Define "strong" (good vibes needed)

johnnys june

I'm about to go shower and get ready but I can't help but want to curl back up in my bed and hide from the daylight!  I'm not depressed (at the moment), I'm just incredibly nervous....anxious maybe.  I started a project called Logan's Hope Build-A-Box.  It was supposed to be a personal project of mine to donate a few keepsake/memory boxes to the NICU in honor of Logan's 1st birthday.  We're going to be out of town on his birthday so I'm doing it this week.   My work caught wind of this project (I'm on the Community Committee) and wanted to be a part of it.  The event turned out great.  We got enough items to fill 21 boxes with additional items to donate directly to the NICU; and we raised enough money to provide $20 gas gift cards to each box.  My objective is to donate boxes to the NICU that parents of NICU babies would receive the 1st day they are in there to help offer hope, give them ways to bond with their babies, and to preserve memories (regardless of the outcome!).  The boxes include a disposable camera, photo album, a children's book, journal, pens, puzzle books, gum, mints, lip balm, hand cream, and ink pad and cardstock for handprints and footprints, a bag for a lock of baby's hair, ect.  I received a box like this...but only after Logan has passed.  I remember wishing I had had that box during his stay...to pass the time, to take pictures of him before he got sick and swollen and blue.  To write down the dates, times, and every single moment with him in a journal.  When you're in the NICU you don't think about those things...until it's too late.

The reason for the good vibes request....I'll be personally delivering them (with 2 close friends) to the same exact NICU Logan was in a year ago.  I haven't been back to that hospital let alone that NICU since the day I watched my baby die in my arms...then I walked away, saying goodbye forever.  When I decided to do this project, I thought it would be a good step in my healing process -- visiting the last place I got to see, touch, and remember my Logan alive.  But now, this morning, anxiety is setting in.  I'm nervous about how I might feel when I get there.  I'm nervous I might break down.  I feel pre-guilty that I may not break down.  My friends keep telling me I'm strong, incredible, brave....this morning, I want to throw the entire word out the window and bury it because truthfully, I don't get a choice.  "Being strong" is just something you have to do.  But what does it mean anyways!!!  KWIM?

Thanks for listening!  I hope everyone has a good Sunday.   

LoveOfMikesLife

First off, big huge ((hugs))! That is going to be hard.

I think strong is just being alive after what we've been through. You wake up everyday. It doesn't matter how our day is or how our emotion are. We are surviving!

I think what you are doing to honor Logan is AMAZING! He is proud of you

If you break down while you are there, people will understand! The parents of NICU babies will "get it". I think it will will make the thought behind the boxes even greater to them. If you don't break down, don't feel guilty. Logan understands every emotion you have. And maybe just maybe your decisions to help out others during trying times and make their life a little bit easier is more powerful than sad emotions?

I hope that helps some and please let me know how it goes! ((hugs))

starrkitten89

So many (((hugs))) and good vibes for you! What you are doing is absolutely amazing.I remember being so thankful for care packages and such when we were at the hospital,and it is so nice that you are honoring Logan by helping people during such a difficult time.

I hope that once you get there,that you don't feel as bad as you anticipated,but as PP said I am sure the NICU staff and parents will get it if you do break down.And if you don't,that's ok too!

So many good luck vibes!

krysiahamaty

Sending you lots and lots of good vibes. I think you are amazing for what you are doing. I'm sure those parents will appreciate it so much. Big hugs.

Carolee

I hope you saw my post on FB, but if not, I hope it went well.  I think you're doing an amazing thing.  It is absolutely OK to break down there, and it is ok not to as well.  Thinking of you today.  (((HUGS)))

pb127

(((hugs))) I hope it goes well!! I love that your work has joined in to help you. What a wonderful gift you and Logan are giving to these families, something they will cherish forever.

butterfly843

((hugs)) You are doing such an amazing thing. I really appreciated the box I was given in the hospital.