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jovencita1224
member
WWYD? Am I being unreasonable here?
jovencita1224
member
I don't post much on here, but I am at a loss with what to do. I know this topic may be controversial, but this is NOT some made up drama. This is my real life and I have been weighing my options all day. I don't want to do anything rash, but at the same time...well...
My husband is a police officer. When I was pregnant, I used to find his service weapon in a variety of unusual places...like the dining room table, a drawer in the kitchen, and once in my glove compartment...as I was driving to work in a government building where guns are definitely not allowed! I am a former cop too, so I am not against guns at all...but I AM against having loaded guns strewn all over the house, especially with a baby. We had some epic fights about the gun issue, and he told me I was being unreasonable because the baby wasn't even born yet and that he would take care of everything by getting a gun safe once she was born. He got the super fancy expensive safe, but a fat lot of good that has done.
So, in the past week, I have found his (loaded, with a round in the chamber) service weapon in the following places: in his gunbelt on the floor of our coat closet, in a drawer that is within the reach of our baby that can pull herself up, and on the kitchen table. I have tried to talk to him about it calmly. I have reminded him of the promise he made me when I was pregnant. I even went so far as to hide the gun from him while he was in the shower. When he was getting ready for work, he realized his gun wasn't there. He asked me where it was, and I said "Well, where did you leave it?" He said, "right here on the kitchen table" so I responded, "Hmmmm. That doesn't sound like a good place to leave it. The baby was playing in the kitchen earlier, maybe she found it and hid it somewhere. Guess you should have put it in the gun safe, huh?" Eventually I handed it over to him and told him if I EVER see the gun anywhere but in the gun safe or ON his person again, that I am taking the baby and leaving. I don't know if I would file for divorce or anything, but I made arrangements to stay with a friend of mine indefinitely if it happens again.
Am I overreacting? I tend to think not, because I was a police officer and I am very familiar and comfortable with guns. I am also a stickler for gun safety. I am not asking him to not have a gun in the house. I am not even demanding that the gun be unloaded, disassembled, and separate from the ammo, although ultimately that is what I want. I am just asking that he not leave a loaded weapon unsecured in our house with a baby. She is crawling, pulling herself up, and freakishly strong for 18 pounds. He went all out in baby-proofing with the baby gates, the outlet covers, and the latches that keep the cabinets closed. But then you are leaving a LOADED gun out in the open? It makes no sense to me.
There is a part of me that feels like I should have just packed up and left today. I have been feeling so anxious and stressed all day. I am not looking forward to the end of his shift when he comes home, although I hope to be asleep by then. He always tries to make it seem like I am crazy, or over reacting, or totally an over-anxious mom. He said good luck leaving him because alimony is a B (I make nearly twice his salary), but if I DID leave, I would think that the photos I took of the gun being out along with me saying that he has left the gun out numerous times would likely give me full custody. I would rather pay alimony than to wait until something bad happens and say to him "I told you so." Should I call our priest? Our pedi? His police department? His mom? His dad? Anyone? Any advice would be helpful...this is not a question on if you would have guns in the house or not...we have to have the gun for his job, there IS no other option. I am just wondering if I should even stick around long enough to see if he starts putting the stupid thing away. And if I were to leave and he had visitation, then I have NO control over the gun thing...so that would make it worse, I would think. At least now I can look for the gun every day and see if it is out or not...if we are apart and she is in his house, who knows where he would leave it. 
Ugh. I can already tell I am not getting any sleep tonight.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: WWYD? Am I being unreasonable here?
It's an accident waiting to happen if he continues to leave his weapon out. Men are like children. They need to be told, shown, and practiced with. When he got home from work, I'd walk with him to the safe, watch him out his weapon in the safe, and praise him. And, I'd keep making him do it. If he refuses, I'd say that I was going to take his weapon and drive it back to the police station for safe keeping. And do it if need be.
If he is too stubborn to listen at that point, I'd seek professional help.
Yeah, I would have to agree, especially on the bold parts. I do give you points for being original.
This.
No, this is not MUD. I wish it was. It isn't an easy decision to decide to leave a marriage and walk away--we own two houses, we have a joint bank account, we have two dogs, we are from the same home town and our families are friends with each other. Plus we are Catholic and made a promise to the Priest that convalidated our marriage earlier this year that this was a forever type of thing. Other than the gun issue and the normal stresses of having a new baby, we don't have any other issues between us. I love him very much and my daughter adores him--and my own dad has two failed marriages behind him and my mom has three failed marriages. So, forgive me if I had hoped my life would be different.
I don't understand it either-we went to the same police academy and everyone there is fanatical about gun safety. A lot of my friends are former military and/or current law enforcement, and they are great about gun safety. He is six years younger than me, and sometimes I feel like he does things that he knows upset me on purpose just because he can? It is one thing when he is doing something that just annoys me, like trying to fart on my leg or something...it is another thing entirely when we are talking a loaded weapon. He is still in FTO at his department for the next week, so I know if I called someone there he would be in trouble--maybe to the point of losing his job. I seriously considered it, but what would I do if he actually DID lose his job? If I plan to reconcile with him at all, that would be stupid. If I plan to leave and stay gone, that would also be stupid, because then I would not have any financial support from him, and his whole threat of alimony may actually come true since my actions in talking to his supervisor would be the reason he lost his job. Well, the real reason would be his stupidity, but you never know how a judge will see it. I talked to his sister, his best friend, and my mom and they all supported my plan to leave if it happened again.
So this morning I woke up and the gun was in the hiding place I had put it in yesterday. I now have to leave or my words mean nothing. I can't pack with him in our room asleep, so I am going to get the baby dressed and walk around the mall for a few hours and come home to pack after he leaves for work. I am going to call our priest tomorrow and try to schedule a time for us to meet. I don't know what else to do. It makes me sad that my marriage may be ending because of this issue.
I appreciate the comments from most of you, but Ghostmonkey you are kind-of a raging B. I am glad I have plenty of support from people in real life, because I was on here last night after a whole day of questioning myself about my decision to leave and follow through on what I told him if it happened again, and your words--not helpful. It's not made up, and to me it seems crazy that he would be so lax with his gun and yet lock up the soft scrub and clorox wipes...but that is my actual real life right now. And I am actually leaving my husband because of it--and just because I didn't pack up and leave the first time does NOT make me a bad mom. Daycare in my city is between $800 and $1600 per month, and a small one bedroom apartment is at least $1200--so, the economic aspect of leaving is significant, and I didn't want to raise my daughter in those conditions. My income is just slightly too high to qualify for WIC or any other type of help, which is something I looked at the first time he left the gun out. I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this. I don't know if I will stay gone forever...that is just too sad and overwhelming for me to think about because I am turning 34 years old this year and wanted to have other children. The chances of that happening don't look too good at the moment. This sucks. I have to go though, I only have a few hours before he wakes up.
I understand where you're coming from. Not that I have a gun issue but leaving your child's father is a BIG decision - I understand that as a single mom.
From what I understand he put it in the same hiding place that you had placed it. Is that right? If so, he did make an attempt at not leaving it laying about. Honestly, I would have made him get into the habit of putting it in the safe while I was still pregnant and I wouldn't have waited until my child was mobile (but it's too late for that now).
This doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. It's a fixable issue. BUT I would recommend following through on leaving until he can prove to you that he is putting his gun in that safe EVERY. SINGLE. TIME he comes home from work. Anything less than that is not acceptable. If he's committed to making things work, have him put the gun in the safe and take a picture to text to you everyday, or something along those lines.
Good luck.
You could always report him to his department, explaining to them that he is being totally irresponsible with his weapon when not on duty. Seriously, take it out of his hands.
Or you could be on duty to "get the weapon" as soon as he returns home, when he says "honey... I'm home" you could get the weapon and put it away, not fair but would be safe.
Show him this article, dad also had the gun for work (think the military)
https://www.wvec.com/home/Accident-shooting-kills-a-nine-month-old-baby-84922612.html
MH is a PO too and I never find a loaded gun. He unloads it as soon as he is off duty.
You have absolutely every reason to expect that he would be responsible with his gun, and keep it safely locked up.
Hope2Have--I am printing out that article and leaving it for him.
I am back at my house to pack up some things since he is at work. I came home to a note from him that said:
It's kind of impossible to fire a gun with the slide removed, but I wouldn't have expected you to know that. It works both ways-I can leave too. And I am "very serious" too. Oh, and next time you leave a drawer or cabinet open, I'll take her and leave until you get "serious".
Am I emotionally co-dependent? Most likely. I am in therapy, and have asked him to come to therapy with me but he won't do it. Is he emotionally abusive? By some definitions. He has told me that if I ever leave him, he would tell the courts I was a bad mom because I served in a war zone and could be recalled again. He said he would fight for full custody and alimony. In retrospect, you don't think I am starting to feel like I should have left when I was pregnant? It isn't like he was always like this. But, if he HAD been like this when we met, clearly we would not be married and have a baby together. We didn't live in the same state before getting married. I found out I was pregnant two weeks after our wedding, so the only time we were married and didn't have a baby...I was pregnant. So as these fights, or his disparaging remarks would occur, there hasn't been a time I didn't feel trapped in some way.
Am I a crappy mom for not leaving the first time the gun was out? Maybe. I'd love to have those kind of financial options to have been able to do that. When I said I had support in real life, I am talking EMOTIONAL support. His sister fully supports me in this issue...but she is in Japan. His best friend supports me...and he is four hours (and two states) away. My mom supports me...also from out of state. None of them can afford to front me some cash so I can go stay in a hotel for a few weeks. As far as financial--our lives are totally intertwined. We own a property in my name, and our tenants stopped paying the rent in the spring and we had them evicted. Before they moved, they did over $20k worth of intentional damage, making the house uninhabitable for other tenants. I have a judgment for the back rent, and a pending action for the damages, but in the meantime, we can't afford to fix the house and we can't rent it...and we can't live there because it is 2+ hours away from our jobs. So...all those late payments on MY credit report do not make me a shoe-in to rent an apartment somewhere without him and his good credit score. I am dependent on him for a place to live. I don't have a lot of money in savings to take out and pay months and months of rent in advance to make up for the bad credit, and I can't take a loan from my retirement account without him signing the paperwork, so leaving isn't all that easy. How would I pay for it? Where do I go for free? I have some friends in the city, but most of them are unmarried and living in a one bedroom or studio apartment. That would be a temporary fix at best--but this isn't something that is all that easy to talk about with my friends either. I have tried to give the impression that my life is just awesome-they don't know about my tenants, or our arguments, or anything negative really. I could go stay with my mom...but then I would have to quit my job, since I can't really drive 8 hours to and from work--when would I sleep? Or see the baby? My job carries our health insurance...so that wouldn't be completely logical now would it, to leave a 7 month old with no insurance. Where else is there? A homeless shelter? Would YOU want to take your infant there?
The decision to leave is huge. The entire reason I am leaving is because of a gun. So yeah, all I wanted was some input that no, this isn't a crazy reason to leave. That I am not overreacting. I saw my mom get the crap beaned out of her on a daily basis by my drunk POS dad, and she stayed for nearly 8 years. I then got to hear from my darling step-father how I am a worthless, fat, lazy, stupid, B...and she heard the things he would say to me...and she stayed for 10 years. Finally on husband #3 she got a bit more of a backbone, and left him after he drove my brothers home from school drunk...but that WAS his 3rd DUI in their marriage, it took someone else being in the car for her to actually DO something. I wanted the whole white picket fence and happily ever after that I never had for my daughter. The decision to walk away from a marriage isnt' one that I take lightly, and is certainly something that I am going to sit down with an expert and talk about and not depend on the internet to make my final decisions. I hesitated to leave because I'm not being physically abused, and in my own life, even physical abuse is apparently not enough to make someone leave immediately. If your life is so awesomely awesome that you haven't had to deal with any of those types of issues...how awesome for you. I, apparently, am not so awesomely lucky. That doesn't make any of my craptastic story less true. Yes, maybe I'm a crappy co-dependent mom for not leaving the first time the gun wasn't in the safe. I don't need you to tell me that, because I think I'm harder on myself than some random from the internet. But I would be even crappier to stay now that it has become a pattern. So I feel confident in saying peace out to my husband unless he goes to some serious therapy with me to resolve this issue. Thank you to those of you that reassured me that I am not being unreasonable in my feelings.
...I hesitated to leave because I'm not being physically abused, and in my own life, even physical abuse is apparently not enough to make someone leave immediately...
This part of what you said that stood out to me... It definitely sounds like he's abusive (verbally/emotionally). What has your therapist said?
And if he is verbally/emotionally abusive, it's not like therapy is magically going to make him better. It might just give him more to use against you (as in, he'll twist whatever the therapist says to use it against you).
The whole turning 34 and wanting other kids is not what you need to worry about right now. You need to take care of yourself and your LO. And I'm wondering if that's something he has put in your head. My "lovely" abusive ex-husband used to do the whole, "Who's going to want you when you're 32 and divorced twice?"
Well, I'm now 34, with someone wonderful, and have a six-month-old baby, so apparently, someone wonderful did.
There are definitely deeper issues going on here, and he's using the gun one on you for now because it's just one more strategy he has. The gun is at once a symbol of power and his irresponsibility, and he knows what he's doing. One of the last straws for me with my ex was he was putting away hunting supplies (in his gun safe), and he took out a bullet and said, "Do you know what this is?" And I thought he meant what caliber or something.
I said, "No," and he goes, "This is the bullet with your name on it." And there was nothing I could do to make him realize that that wasn't "okay" or a "funny joke." In his own way, (to me, at least), it sounds like your husband is on the same track with not taking firearms or your talks about them seriously...
Good luck to you, and I hope you get out of there...I could give you a whole list of books on abusive men if you want them. I just don't want to overwhelm you because it sounds like you have a lot going on. Just PM me or post here if you do want them.
Mac and cheese lover!