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Late Term and Child Loss
innocence
I was lurking on my birth month board and someone asked what milestone everyone was most looking forward to. People said, feeling better, telling people, feeling kicks, finding out the sex, etc. I wrote, "full-term baby that lives." It wasn't long ago that I just wanted to get past morning sickness and find out what I was having and anxiously awaited full-term so I could breathe a sigh of relief. Now, I'm scared for all of it. And even if all of it happens, I'm scared to have another baby that doesn't stay once it's here. Innocence was fun. I miss it.
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Re: innocence
T1 diabetes diagnosed 11/95 due to severe pancreatic injury
BFP 1 1/22/10 EDD 9/30/10 Adria b. 9/11/10 d.8/9/11, Transposition of the Great Arteries,
Pleural effusion, Kidney Failure
BFP 2 4/26/12 EDD 1/3/13 M/C 5/13/12
BFP 3 10/3/12 EDD 6/17/13 Twins! Preston and Juliet b. 5/22/13
We're on the same board (and it is wonderful to see you there, mama - I'm so glad to know you are there too, and can understand).
I wrote viability. And then, we hope, a full-term birth. A living baby.
Those other things - getting past morning sickness (god, I threw up last night so violently I have pinprick hemmorrhaging on my face this morning), feeling better, finding out the sex. I do look forward to them. But with a detachment that doesn't make them big events.
An intern in my office overheard me say I was pregnant and asked how far along, and I told her nearly 11 weeks (it was a week ago), and (an older woman who's come back to school) snorted that I was barely pregnant. I just gritted out that it felt longer (she doesn't know my history), but I thought more than once - it's halfway to where my last pregnancy ended. That's something.
Innocence was fun, but I never had much of it. I pretend for a bit - participating in the bmb, looking at bedding, cutting out and beginning to prepare the letters for the name, thinking about finding the baby blanket in progress I put away when Gabriel died. . .
Sigh. I described it recently as the giant ball of tension unwinding a bit with each milestone. But it's winding onto another spool, so the tension doesn't just vanish - it just redistributes. So now I'm no longer worried there is no heartbeat, or about a missed miscarriage - those worries are gone. But the worries about the cerclage, about whether it holds, about my water breaking early, about pre-term labor, about NICU, about bedrest . . . those are beginning to pile up on the other side.
The veil is lifted from my eyes. After two years of being with and working with baby-lost mothers, I know how many ways a pregnancy can end and how many ways babies can die. It's like walking along a narrow precipice and trying not to look down.
Gabriel Ross - August 24, 2009 * Vivienne Rose - May 1, 2012
My Blog
This always makes me cringe cuz DD was born at 35 weeks. I just want to shout, "Keep them inside for as long as you can!" I know I spent a lot of my pregnancy with Adam worrying about pre-term labor again, so I wasn't innocent in that sense. But I never EVER thought he would die. No one thinks that will happen until you've been there.
Innocence lost...my words exactly. I rememeber being excited to get though the first tri to end the morning sickness and such and look forward to the relief a kick would bring...but now I am sort of dreading the kicking as I'm anticipating worrying if every kick will be the last.
I pray that this preg goes quickly. That's all I can hope and that I bring a healthy baby home.
I miss it too.