Getting over the anger
I haven't been here much, it's actually been over a year since we started EI with my daughter and I asked a few questions.
We got an ASD dx at the beginning of the month, and even though we expected it I'm having a harder time dealing with everything than I thought I would.
Lately I've been feeling very angry and sad, angry that I can't talk to my child like other parents, angry that Lucy will always have to work for things that come so naturally to typical children and angry that this isn't going away this is our life and as selfish as it sounds I'm tired, I'm a sahm and some days are just so hard. Some days I don't want to deal with the tantrums and the screaming and I just get mad at my daughter or I just don't want to worry about cleaning for the therapists that come 5 days a week, it makes me feel like an awful parent.
It seems like every time I see kids around Lucy's age I get upset, when I watch them having conversations and doing something as simple as asking for a drink I have to hold back tears.
Does this ever get better, will I ever be able to accept this new normal?
Re: Getting over the anger
You do get used to it. I don't think the anger ever leaves, it diminishes, but you just coexist with it. Sometimes it's more prevalent, sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's just sadness. But, you do get used to this new normal. It's hard, damn hard, and the best advice I can give you is to allow yourself to grieve, to be angry, to be hurting. Acknowledge your feelings, but try not to let it consume you. Never underestimate the power of a good therapist, even if it is just once or twice in your life, to work through this with you.
When you find out you're PG, you have these grand ideas, plans, specific dreams for your child. Upon getting an autism dx, it does NOT MEAN your child - or yourself - cannot dream big. You just learn to have different dreams. The magnitude of the dreams are still large....they just have different context.
It's hard. It doesn't go away. But you CAN coexist with it. You know how they say, "find the missing piece in autism?" Sometimes I liken that to also "finding the missing peace in autism"...you have to come to terms with it every day, in different ways. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not, but I promise you, you will coexist with this, in the way that works best for you and your family.
Hang in there girlfriend. There are lots of us who know how you feel. {hugs}
I am not dealing with ASD but I can tell you that I feel this way a lot (the anger) and I'm seriously considering getting back into therapy.
As for cleaning, I do not go out of my way to clean my house or even pick up my house for a therapist. They can see me and my house for the way that it actually is. They aren't there to be impressed by its cleanliness, they are there to help my child. Shoot - I hardly ever wear makeup and I'm not about to just because a therapist is coming to my house. My house isn't a pig sty nor does it look like a hoarder lives there but there are toys all over the damn place. Whatev. It will look like that 5min after the therapist gets there anyway!
Thank you, I've been finding the anger and sadness coming in waves, I can be ok for awhile and all of a sudden I'm crying.
I think I really should look into getting a therapist, I don't have a ton of close friends and our families are still in denial so there isn't much support there. I feel like I need someone to just unload too.
It does get better. Anger is one of the stages of grief. And there are going to be days when you think you have 100% accepted things, and then BAM! you're right back to where you started.
It's a long road. We've had 16 months to grieve and it's only recently begun to get easier. Once we got all the "firsts" out of the way it really made a difference. Once I was able to get over all the disappointing expectations and hopes I had for certain events (what his first Christmas would be like, etc) it got a lot better.
We all have hopes and dreams for our children. And sometimes our children come with different hopes and dreams. It's hard to let go of our own and embrace theirs, but it will come. Just allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself to feel how you're feeling. It is okay to be sad, angry, upset, depressed. It's okay to be scared for the future. If you fear these feelings are getting in the way of your relationship with you child then I encourage you to talk to someone, whether it be an ASD support group or a counselor. But just know, that we all go through the same stages of grief, albeit for different reasons and at different paces, but we've all been there.