SM doing activity with your child
Hello!
I am not a single parent but I am a SM. I just posted a question on blended families but I would like to get a BM perspective. You can read the full post over there (What's My Role?) if you want. Here's the short version...
I have been invited into an exlcusive, prestigious mother and child national organization. I have a 22 mo old DS and a SS14. The mandatory event before my family is voted on is a weekend we will have SS. The entire family is up for voting must be present so DH will be there. The only role the dad's play in this group is the picnic in summer and the Christmas brunch - and to write checks. No one in the organization knows I have a SS - we didn't have him the wknd of the picnic and I don't talk about him. The orgnization does mandatory activities every month, travels to other chapters in the state/country. SS is an all A Honors student that is not involved in any activites and would benefit greatly from this organization...but I am NOT his mother. Not to mention we (meaning I) dont' have enough control over his schedule to make the manadorty things. Yes, DH and BM switch weekends all the time but she has been know to say no a time or two...
I'm leaning towards asking DH to switch weekends with BM since SS won't be going. He has no friends at our house so he can't go there while we are at the event and I don't want to leave him at the house while we leave to do something fun and he's there alone - that just seems mean.
Question: Would you allow your child to participate in an event that would hands down benefit your child, if it's a mother and child organization with SM? Remember, you have no chance of joining this organziation yourself - it's with SM or nothing.
Re: SM doing activity with your child
We try to involve my SD in everything we do during our time with her. Her mother plans to home school her, and her only socialization is church. So I plan play dates, trips, and probably dance class in the near future. Of course, there will be some things that we don't have her for.
Would he have to come to every activity, if you take him to this induction event? Or could he come to the ones that fall during your custodial time?
I'm curious to know the organization.
As a mother, I'd be happy if my ex-husband found a woman who wanted to include my children into her family.
I feel the same way. I would take him to the induction event then see if he's interested in going to the other events and take it from there. I would be happy if my X found a woman that made him happy and treated our son well. It does somewhat seem like you're trying to hide your SS from this org. That's why I'd take him with you to the opening event.
Are you trying to get your family to join a cult?
In all seriousness, why doesn't this "organization" know about your SS already? Isn't he a part of your family? You don't get some kind of SM gold star because you're thinking about including him because it's his weekend with his dad and that just HAPPENS to be the same weekend as this "observation" or whatever it is.
As a BM, I would be offended that my child wasn't included in these events from the beginning. I would hope that anyone my XH is married to would love my son just as her own and make him as much of a part of their family as he should be. You should be ashamed for hiding your SS. Even if he wasn't around on the other weekends, how could you have not even mentioned him?!
I must say that I am shocked by these responses.
I would never in a million years want my child to do anything "mother and child" with a woman that wasn't me. NEVER. That is my role and my job.
On a BM/SM board I was on before, that kind of thinking would get you flammed so badly.
If you were a single mom and your child's father and step mother wanted to take their child to company picnic for families you would say no? How about a family vacation? Sorry son, you can't go because that woman is not your mother.... sounds selfish.
You raise a good point but it isn't the same here. This is an organization for mothers and their children. The dad's are not involved.
Aside from the fact that this group sounds ridiculous, I cannot figure out what exactly you are having an issue with. Are you embarrassed that you have a SS? Does SS have to be at every event this group holds? If the answer is no to those 2 questions, then you take SS with you to this event and take him to any other events that are held on your DH's weekends.
As a BM, I would hope that my DD would be included in any events that her BD's family is apart of. After all, she is part of his family.
If you do decide to exclude your SS, he is old enough to understand what you are doing.
If this is how you feel, you should have never married a man with a child. Though SS may not be your biologically, I would still consider him your son. It sounds to me like you are upset that you even have to consider including SS. That is ugly
It still sickens me that you can't bring yourself to accept SS as your own. I have a BF who I've been dating for 6 months that is more accepting of my DS than you are of your true SS.
I would be thrilled if my XH was married to someone who wanted to do "mother and child" events with DS (and children of their own). It doesn't mean she's taking my place as the mother -- it means she's a wonderful enough person to realize that if she's with XH, that means that DS is a part of her life as well. It's my dream that XH is involved with someone who can love and treat DS as if he were their own. The more people in DS's life who love him, the better! It doesn't matter if they're related by blood, marriage or the guy down the street.
You're a pretty shittty SM. I hope your high and mighty mom's club sees through you. But they probably won't, because it sounds like they're just as self-absorbed as you are.
My thoughts exactly. I am so glad that I haven't done well enough to be eligible to participate in this group. Hell, even if I would be in a position to join I wouldn't be able to without a DH to sign the checks
You wanted people to say you should exclude your SS because you're not his real mom?
I pray that if my X ever remarries, it is not to someone like you. It would kill me to see my son excluded from events after his dad got a "new" family.
Priss28King is wise.--"Lurky, you are so mean... but always so on point!"
From your post on Blended Families:
"I'll put it to you like this, the family pic of us in my mom's house is DH, DS and I. The same pic was taken with SS and it's in my MIL's house."
I bet that photo shoot was super awesome for your SS! Hey, SS, can you step out of this picture, I only want my real family in it. You and your mom both sound like you're doing a great job of making him feel included.
If I remarried and had more kids with someone else, and my new MIL wanted a "family" photo that only included her "real" grandchildren, I'd tell her to F off. Your DH is pretty pathetic as a father for not doing the same to your mother, IMO.
If i we're SS bio-mom, there is NO way on God's green earth that I'd allow him to be part of such an elitist, discriminatory club. AND I would get after his bio-Dad for even allowing this nonsense. I call "troll" however, because the OP won't give us the name of this super awesome club for self-centered ?ssholes.Just popping in from this post on blended...
I'm curious...does this totally awesome club also have requirements for race and hair color?? Geesh....
Seriously??? No one is going to replace me as DD's mother, but I would welcome someone coming into her life and treating her as their own. I only want DD to be happy, healthy, and well cared for. I would be SO HAPPY if she had a great SM and I didnt need to worry about whether or not her needs were being met when she was at their house.
The one person that I have dated since my divorce is STILL a part of DD's life (not dating any longer.) He has two kids and includes DD in a lot of things he plans. I believe that a child can never have too many people that love them.
Shame on you for your cr@ppy attitude towards your SS, shame on your DH for allowing this behavior from you, and I really really hope that SS's BIO mom never finds out how you choose to exclude from certain "family" activities. As a BIO mom that would make me LIVID!!!
True....but your SS is your child too....just because he didn't come from your vagina doesn't make him any less your child
Oh FFS this. When I met MH I made it very clear to him, and he made it clear to his extended family that I would never marry him if everyone wasn't going to treat my son the same as any biological children, and I would never have had children with someone who wou" ld ake the difference in treatment so obvious. Ugh. I have no words for you. My four year old can tell his "step mom" treats him differently, I'm sure your 14 year old SS already knows you have no interest in having a loving relationship with him. You suck OP.
Just popping over from the BF board as well.
This is my favorite post! I was a single mom for 10 years and this is exactly my attitude as well
This makes me sick. Since I am newly separated, I have been thinking a lot lately about what my boys' lives are going to be like and for some reason family photos came to mind. I can't imagine them ever being asked to step out of the photo so the "real" family can get their photos taken.
This just makes me scared of the idea of H or I ever getting remarried. I hate that kids are being treated this way just because their biological parents weren't suited to be with each other. It's not your SS's fault that he's not a "real" part of your family. How the hell do you think he feels about all this?
I am late to this asshat's crazy party but this made me crack up!