9-10 year old girl drama
We're planning my daughter's 10th birthday. She wants a slumber party. Great. We're making out the list of friends she'd like to invite. When I said the name of one friend (let's say T), she said no. T has been a friend for a few years, but does not go to the same school. My daughter said T will wreck everything. T doesn't know all of her school friends. I mentioned that we had a slumber party last year, including T, and everyone got along great.
My daughter said that she can't come for a number of reasons. One of them is the theme of the party. She thinks T will take over because T wants to be a fashion designer (the girl is 9).
This year, we are doing a fashion challenge... kind of a silly competition where they make their own outfits. I bought shirts, fabric, hats, boas, and costume jewelry. It won't be serious... hopefully, they'll come up with some laugh-worthy get ups. There won't be a prize for the best one. I'll have awards for everyone with silly titles, like "Most likely to be worn while juggling popcorn"... "Best outfit for Kinect character"... "Most likely to be worn by Lady Gaga"... "Most likely to be worn by Michelle Obama" (and, yes, I welcome suggestions if you have ideas for titles).
It is time to send out the invitations. I don't know what to do. Her friend is our neighbor. Our houses are 12 feet apart. I told my daughter that she needs to invite her. She insists that it is going to be a disaster. Ugh. I don't know how to make this better.
What are your thoughts?
Newlyweds since 2007
Re: 9-10 year old girl drama
Wow- that's tough! Have you asked her how she would feel if she knew T was having a party and not inviting her? Could you explain to her that you are going to set ground rules at the beginning of the party and if anyone is not following them (T) then they won't be able to participate?
And this could be your daughter's way of telling you that she has out grown the friendship. It sounds like your daughter may be telling you that T is bossy (she'll take over and be fashion designer) or that T might be developing a mean girl complex, or she just doesn't want her "friend worlds" to intermingle.
I would ask since slumber parties only have a limited guest list by pure nature of the party if she would like to another weekend just invite T to go to the movies or go to a paint your own pottery type outing to celebrate the birthday together.
If she still says no, I would respect her decision for whatever reason she no longer wants to continue the friendship and is trying to distance herself kindly by "fading away" as opposed to a girl drama fallout.
I guess I am wondering about the friendship when there are no parties. Do your daughter and T have playdates together? Does she see more of "T" than the other girls invited to the party?
My dd had VERY definate ideas of who she wanted to invite to her 9th birthday party. I suggested one friend (b/c she plays with her more than she plays with the other girls), and dd said yes to that, but she has gotten to the age where I try not to interfere.
Are you SURE nothing happened last time? At dd's last party, one child made the other one cry (by pushing her aside when they both wanted to be next to dd for a photo). I didn't even see it - it happened when I was getting pizza in another room. But it's not surprising given the two girls involved.
Overall, you need to put your daughter ahead of what you think your neighbor will feel. It's her birthday, her party. Trying to "force" a friendship on your daughter because you live close by isn't fair to your dd.
If the neighbor says something, just tell her that since it was a sleepover, you needed to keep the party small. Unless T is your daughter's bff, she'll have to understand.
Ditto PP. It should be your daughter's decision, but you need to help her understand all the pros and cons and anticipate the fallout from whatever decision she makes. She needs to think through two key questions:
--How will you handle it when T is upset because she's not invited to the party. Are you prepared to face the reality that not inviting her may hurt her feelings SO much that she won't want to be friends anymore?
--What is the worst-case-scenario if T is invited? What, exactly, do you think will happen, and is there a way to minimize it or keep T's actions from "ruining" the party?
I think, though, if she really doesn't want T at the party, you have to accept it and let it be her choice, including the inevitable drama that will follow the party.
Newlyweds since 2007