Hate when people become a grey cloud

dragossoul84

So my inlaws haven't been great about our choice for adoption. They were a little bit more accepting when we said we were looking for an infant of the same ethnicity as us. My DH and I are still going to adopt an infant but at a mixer we met a little girl who is biracial who is so amazing my husband and were like this is our daughter. We had wanted to adopt two children though we never thought we would consider a 7 yr old but I tell you I want to have her home now and settled. I want to take her trick or treating and do home work. Last night my husband almost broke down to tears trying to think of how to deal with his family. I've told my family either can be happy with us or take a hike but his family has been so negative. I'm waiting for this little girls worker to get in today to send me her file and talk to me about what it would take to adopt her since she is legal free and I've already had my homestudy. I dont know what we should do about his folks though. Should we tell them now before we are 100% sure we can adopt them so that their not taken by surprise or only tell them when we've adopted. We know they are going to be negative about it I st dont know which would be better to deal with now or later

jillianmb

Personally I would want to deal with it now because you will have enough on your plate when she comes home.  Sorry his family is so hard to deal with. 

dragossoul84

You know they're both psychologists you would think that they would be understanding and accepting of us growing our family I just thought they'd understand how important it was for us and support whatever means it took for us to find our family.

CaptainSerious

Honestly, neither.  Before deciding if you really can parent this child, I believe you have to go through a few steps.  You have to read through this little girl's file and talk with her social worker.  I also highly recommend you have a doctor who specializes in adoption review her file to let you know if he/she shows any warning signs of RAD or other attachment difficulties.  If you haven't already, I highly recommend you read a little about adopting older children, because even without RAD, she will likely have a very difficult transition into a new home.  You can really research this while you are adjusting, but it's important to at least have an understanding of how difficult it can be to adopt an older child before you commit to it.  Then, with the information in hand, you can make the best decision for your family.

There's no need to let his family know now that you are considering this, but once you have decided to go ahead and pursue the adoption, it would be a good time to inform them of your decision.  I wouldn't ask them for their blessing or opinion, just tell them what you've decided to do.  I also wouldn't share a lot about the girl's history, as that may lead them to judge the situation.  Just tell them what you are doing, since you are excited and there's no reason to hide it, and let them process it at their own speed.

The fact that they are both mental health professionals may actually be part of the reason for their hesitation.  They have no doubt seen adoptive families struggle with adjustments, insecurity, and strong acting-out behaviors, and don't want you to have to struggle, too.  That's probably why they relaxed a bit when you mentioned adopting an infant.

As a person who's adopted an older child, and is currently trying to do it again, I can tell you it is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life--but also the most rewarding and the biggest blessing.  I love my son with my whole heart and soul, but if I wasn't prepared for his behaviors and the difficult times, I don't know how I could have stuck it out and made it through.  This girl has likely suffered severe trauma in her life, and will likely resist attaching securely to a new family; if you can make it through all the pushing-away she's bound to do, it will be amazingly worth it, but please, please, please, do some careful research about what may be coming your way before you commit to it.

dragossoul84

I will definitely have some one go over her record with us once we get it. I appreciate you telling me how hard it is. I know that there is a tremendous amount that can come with an older child. I am trying to research this now because adopting an older child right now was not the original plan. She just felt like family when we were with her. If you could suggest reading I would greatly appreciate it. I would never bring a child into our home that I wasn't sure would be a good family fit the last thing she would need is that.

CaptainSerious

I'm glad that my point came across without sounding like I was trying to scare you away!  I'm always really worried about that when I respond to posts like I did.

Two great books are:

 

Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow; and

 

Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents.

 

The first book discusses some pretty extreme cases, so don't let it scare you off.  I actually found it the most helpful, because we saw lesser versions of many of the same behaviors in our son and it helped us to identify what he must have been feeling at different times.  Basically, it opened our eyes to how he's experiencing the adoption and his integration into our family in a way we didn't with just the other material.  It also helped us realize that traditional parenting doesn't often work with these kids, and we've been more proactive in looking for alternative ways to get through to our son.

 

If you find out that the girl is at risk for attachment difficulties or Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), I highly recommend When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD.  I found the approach quite a bit too severe for us, but it again helped to show us what was "normal" for these kids, and helped us to develop some techniques that were more moderate and worked for us.

 

If you have any specific questions, I'll be happy to answer them.  A quick search on my posts for the last year or so will give you an idea of what our transition was like.  I've tried to be really open here and share both the good and the bad.  It might make me seem a bit manic, but I think we often only hear about he good, and it leaves a lot of perspective parents either going into situations without enough of a feel for what it could be like, or running away because of the really difficult, "worse case" situations described in the books.   There's also a yahoo group called "adopt older kids" (https://groups.yahoo.com/group/A_O_K/) that can give you an idea of what some of these families experience.   I completely understand that "family" feeling, and I know there's no way to explain it to someone who hasn't experience it.  I wish you the best, and hope that you can add this girl to your family with as smooth a transition as possible!

dragossoul84

No Captin your amazing my husband and I have been rooting for you with your second adoption since you have been posting at about the matching sessions. I'd rather have people give me real information up front than trying to make a home around this wonderful little girls feelings and my own will. Every once in awhile you hear of children getting sent back and it turns my stomach it just damages everyone involved. We are eagerly awaiting her file to have it reviewed. But I'd love advice and tips from people that have or have adopted older children I mean I actually called a furniture store to see if there was a special bed for seven year olds because I wasnt sure if it was time for adult bed or still a toddler bed. I like to do things right right by her and our family.

mommytoconnor

I also had to deal with some of this.  Some of my family was supportive and others were telling me they were, and yet clearly aren't.  I told them in plain english.  This is my decision and you can either be 100% supportive or don't be involved in our lives, period.  There is no in between, that we are a team/family and you accept all of us or none of us.  You are going to have enough to deal with you shouldn't be dealing with that too.  Tell em to get on board or they won't be involved in their grandchild's life.  Even if you don't adopt this little girl, they should be supportive with whatever your decision is.  I know it's a tough situation, but take care of it now, not later.