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taagent
member
SD ignored my warning again...
taagent
member
So to those of you who remember the issue with the journal and the pen, well SD basically did it again.
SD was putting her clothes away and came out and asked me if she could wear a certain pair of pants tomorrow when we go to the movies. I asked her to bring them to me because I didn't know what pants she was talking about. She came back out wearing them. I told her that if it was warm enough, yes, if it wasn't then, no (they are capri-ish). She then asked if she could wear them the rest of the night (only about 2 hours). I told her that if she got them dirty she couldn't wear them, I reminded her we have two dogs who shed and were having tacos for dinner and reminded her that she has a habit of dropping food on her lap at the dinner table. She said she would change before dinner.
Dinner time comes, DH calls her to the dining room and she is still wearing the pants. I remind her once again that if she drops anything on them she will not be able to wear them tomorrow as I am not doing another load of laundry tonight. We have a conversation for a minute or two about this in front of DH...not even 1 minute later, and while making her first taco she drops the taco meat on her lap! She tried to hide it from me but I saw her do it and told her that she wouldn't be able to wear the pants tomorrow since they are now stained. She got upset, began this crying thing, and started pouting. I reminded her that not even a minute ago we had this specific conversation and she knew the consequences.
She then showed DH the stain and he said, Sarah told you what would happen. She said I could wash them and I said no, then she said I could use a stain stick and again I said no. Towards the end of dinner I told her that I don't tell her not to do things because I am being mean but because I know what can happen. I reminded her about the pen and journal (which she STILL hasn't brought back) and now this. I said sometimes you make a choice and you have to learn the hard way, it doesn't mean that you are wrong it means that the choice turned out not to be the best choice. DH told her that when we tell her no or tell her we are concerned about something it is generally because she has a track record of the concern happening (food falling on her lap).
So, I am sticking to my guns, I am not doing anymore laundry tonight, and maybe next time she will learn that when she is given a warning or told a concern she needs to think about it a little more.
Ugh! I hope it doesn't take many more of these instances for her to learn...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: SD ignored my warning again...
I may be being mean but I shouldn't have to do more work after she was warned twice. If I hadn't warned her I would do what I could, but this seems to be getting to be a regular thing where she is warned and then makes the choice to do it anyway. If it was the first time I would be more accommodating but as I said, this is not the first time and she was warned ahead of time.
We talk about choices a lot in our house, and that not choosing to do something is still a choice...I want her to make good choices and sometimes as a human being we don't. I would rather have her learn to heed warnings about little things than have her ignore warnings that have more severe consequences.
So, GSD, what lesson is she being taught if if she is warned about something, does it anyway and then has no consequences for it? She has PLENTY of other pants to wear.
I don't see why I should have to do more laundry just so she can wear these pants even when I told her not to. I don't really see that as being control freakish. If every time she did something with negative consequences I picked up after her, what lesson would she be taught, and how would she learn from her mistakes?
That is something that, honestly, I thought about. The problem was that after dinner she needed to get her shower (she didn't get out till 7:30), and that would be the only thing washed since it was pink.
I may have some towels in the morning that I can wash to make another load worth while. She can't figure out the dryer...and can't reach the detergent so although she can press the button (on the washer) someone has to help her do the rest. Plus, unless we put it in the dryer for her it would sit till tomorrow and she still wouldn't be able to wear it.
She does enjoy helping doing the laundry- if I had been doing a load anyway or had something else that needed to be washed I would tell her that she would just need to do this load if she wanted the pants to be cleaned by tomorrow. Unfortunately there wasn't enough time and laundry tonight.
GSD - I am sorry if I am sounding like I need to control everything, that really isn't the issue, it is just about her taking responsibility for things whether it is her clothes, the journal/pen, etc. If we weren't constantly going through this cycle I wouldn' have the problem with an occassional "oops", which is why I didn't say "no you can't take it to BM's", or "No, you can't wear those pants", I wanted to give SD the opportunity to make the choice but in doing so she also has to take responsibility for it, which is the lesson I am hoping she is learning. As I said, she still hasn't brought the journal back and I haven't made a fuss about it.
You warned her twice and she didn't listen knowing what would happen if she got them dirty.
Yes, she should have listened to your warnings.
But, couldn't she have just taken a cloth and scrubbed out the spot herself? You're kind of keeping her dependent on you, which will just make both of you angry in the long run.
I agree with J+A - let her pull a stool up to the sink and hand wash the pants.
She was told she couldn't wear the pants if she got them dirty. She got the pants dirty, she couldn't wear them. End of discussion. If these were the only pants she had it would be a different story. It isn't mean. She is old enough to understand a consequence. I'd still teach her to put stain remover on stains though...
Talk about a tempest in a teapot. I'm with Leslie on this one. You warned her. She did what she wanted anyway and sucks for her.
I do have one exception though. I think it's time to start taking some of these decisions out of her hands, especially since she'd gotten into the habit of sulking over the consequences of her own decisions.
I wouldn't have let her wash them either. I would have showed her where the pretreater was and how to use it but no way no how was she going to get to wear them the next day.
Taagent, you're doing a good job. Being consistant is a huge thing at her age. If you say something, you should stick by it, not give in because of sympathy. Kudos to you.
Click me, click me!
I think that one of the most vitally important things we can do as a parent is stick to what we say. You said if she got them dirty, she would not be able to wear them. You told her that if she took the journal/pen to the other house and it was left/ruined that it wouldn't be replaced. I think it is absolutely the right thing to do to a parent to follow through. Period.
The key is how big of a deal you made of it with her. If you shrugged and said, "well, you can't wear the pants now, we already talked about what would happen" and let it go at that then great....it's a lesson. Where I would question and concern at all is how was it approached with her? Did you display frustration? Anger? or anything else with her? It needs to be matter of fact, the consequence is a result of the choice. Done....
I only question because it seems like a fairly small incident to be bringing to the board. Which would potentially indicate to some that it held more emotion for you than it should. I have been through similar and probably will with my children 100 more times. They are kids, they learn through repitition and consistency. If you are expecting this incident will turn on a magic light and she will heed all future warnings I think you are in for a rude awakening. But from what you have described solely, it sounds like you did exactly the right thing IMO.
Do you not know the definition of an ultimatum? Power trip my ass.
And since when are we only able to discuss matters of international security here? She's venting. That's all. Big wooo.
Kids don't just wake up one day responsible adults. It's the decisions you make at moments like this that mold the concept in their minds.
Carry on, taagent. Carry on.
Click me, click me!
You know what - she felt the need to vent about it, she did. My children had the same type of choice last night - get your chores done or no going to scouts - they didn't get their chores done, so they didn't go. If you're dealing with this kind of thing over and over, it DOES get very frustrating, and it's better to vent about it here than at your DH or child!
I think that it is vitally important to follow through with what you say-especially for the small stuff.
I see my SS, who has never had anyone, but me, follow through with what they say when it comes to discipline, or consequences for your actions, such as the case with OP's SD. He does not listen, because in his mind, it does not matter what he does, he will get his way in the end. By following through with what she said to SD, she is preventing that from happening. Next time, she can be reminded of the taco pants incident, and hopefully she will make the right choice.
Thank you everyone for your comments - positive and negative. I was just venting, in my discussion with her after this happened I really wasn't upset, it was a matter of fact conversation, I didn't yell or raise my voice, I continued eating dinner. This afternoon while doing laundry I showed her how to take care of a stain, so that she can do it in the future. The issue last night wasn't brought up today, and I just referenced the journal to show the cycle, it was not an indication of harping on her because I haven't. I asked her yesterday if she brought it back, she said no and I just said that was too bad. I didn't vent to this board after SD spilled red juice on her white pants (after I told her that she needed to be very careful) I also didn't get upset with her then, just told her she needs to learn a lesson from it, and I spent 10 minutes trying to get the stain out a few weeks ago.
I honestly thought that this board was for venting frustration over situations and to get advice. DH and I have worked very hard with her over the last few years with SD because she is used to 1. crying, pouting, tantrum, screaming etc. to get her own way, and 2. ignoring what she is told and doing things anyway. It isn't honestly about control/power which is why I let her make the choice in the first place but told her the concern and the consequences. Yes, I chose this life, and I don't regret it for a second.
There's got to be a time and place for learning about a consequence, and this is an awesome example. Wearing different pants to the movies doesn't kill anyone. It's not like OP's SD was told, "If you get taco meat on your pants, you stay home while we go to the movies." She still got to go, just not in the pants she wanted to wear. It's a teaching opportunity.
We don't send toys to BM's house, either, because we simply don't have the money for SS to take the toys, ruin them, and then want more toys at our house. If we sent them, told him that he couldn't ruin them, then refused to get new ones when those were ruined, I feel like we'd be a little nastier than just not allowing them to go home.