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North Carolina Babies
ECUGirl2004
member
FFF?
ECUGirl2004
member
This discussion has been closed.
Re: FFF?
It is really hard for me to read the "only child" post below and see the responses about how people decided to have their kids closer in age so that they'd hopefully be closer friends, and so the child wouldn't remember a time before their sibling(s), etc.
It SUCKS to not be able to choose the spacing of your children. I had hoped to have kids 2 to 2.5 years apart, and obviously it didn't work that way. I hate to think that Nate would resent a sibling b/c of a larger age difference.
I like to think that ultimately, it doesn't matter. That our family will be what it will be, and those things are out of our control... but it hurts to not be able to have the "ideal," whatever that may be.
BTW, I'm not upset about anyone saying why they spaced their children the way they did. It's just that reading it makes me feel a little bitter, since I didn't get that choice.
ETA: The reason I wanted a 2 to 2.5 year age difference is because my sister and I are 2 years apart and we're really close. However, my brother and I are also 2 years apart, and we're not that close at all (though we get along fine)... so deep down I know that age difference isn't a guarantee of anything.
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I'm sorry you're frustrated. My brother and I are exactly two years apart but don't talk that often (and have nothing in common). My sister is 11 years younger than me and we're now pretty close. It will all work out! Everyone's just own their own path in life that throws us all different curves in the road. {{hugs}}
I'm sorry for your troubles! My sister and I are 3 years apart and we weren't that close growing up, but are pretty close now (she was the first one I told in my family I'm pregnant). My best friend who's also pregnant right now has a son who will be 5 next month, so they'll be pretty far apart, but it took them that long to be ready to have another. Then there's the other end of the spectrum where a cousin had 3 kids in 3 years (more power to her!). I have no idea what I plan on doing with the age thing, I think I'm just going to let it happen. But I definitely agree with you, I don't think age difference guarantees anything, my aunts are 16 yrs older than my mom and she was closer to one than the other, but she was really close with the one even with the large age difference!
I'm sorry for what you are going through C. I know someone else going through the same thing and it's very difficult. I feel very blessed after it taking a while to get pregnant the first time to not have any issues when we tried again. I've thought about you a lot and I hope that things will work out for you. Hugs
My Sweet Girls
We had our children further apart than we really wanted, mainly for financial reasons, but I think it worked out pretty well. Who knows what kind of relationship they'll have in the future, but I really don't think that has much to do with age. The baby requires so much of my attention, and Eli is pretty self sufficient now. I think it would have been so much harder a year ago. He can do things for himself, and he can help a little bit with her. And he's not jealous at all. He gets upset sometimes when I can't do things for him, but he doesn't hold it against her. I think he's old enough to "get" it. I, personally, wouldn't want to have kids less than 3 years apart.
I'm 6 years older than my sisters and as far as I know there were no jealousy issues, and we're pretty close. I think sometimes there are more problems with kids that are really close in age. But really, I think it's all just a crapshoot and there are pros and cons to every age difference. It sucks to not be able to control, but in the end I don't think it really matters.
Hugs to you, ECU...My fingers remain tightly crossed for you guys!
I hate to be a brat about it, but sometimes I just want things like this to be just the 3 of us (especially since we've got a trip coming up in 3 weeks where BOTH sets of parents will be with us for 4 days). I feel like I'm constantly trying to balance the "fairness" of including grandparents in stuff I just honestly would rather do without them.
We don't have time to go to the fair a second time, nor do we want to spend the money twice. So, Family Day at the Fair 2011 it is...
Yes, I realize this is totally petty and I'm a brat, and lucky to have involved grandparents, yadda yadda..
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Nah, that would annoy me too, Hughes. I completely get wanting to do things without the entire extended family along all the time.
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Thsi is super bratty and petty, but here goes... My parents have standing plans on Wednesdays and Friday nights with the same people (their BFFs, ha). I get that they like getting together and going out to eat each week, but sometimes I wish that they would be willing to change their plans occasionally for us. There have been a few things here and there that have come up for a Friday night, and my parents can't babysit b/c they've got these plans with people they see twice a week, every week. My mom even at first told me she wouldn't go out with me on my birthday b/c she had plans with her friend, but later she felt guilty and changed her plans (for the 1st and only time). I don't usually care at all, but occasionally I want to see them on Fridays or I'd like for them to babysit and it sucks that their plans are so set in stone. :P And yeah, I know we could hire a babysitter if we really wanted to go out on Friday night, but that's where the bratty party comes in... I just prefer for my parents to watch Nate. And I'm sure if we did hire a babysitter, my mom would say "We could've watched him!"
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Hughes - I wouldn't want to go to the fair with grandparents. It's too crazy! I agree I like doing things with just the 3 of us. It's a different dynamic.
ECU - that would kinda irk me too. My MIL spends 4 days a week doing church outreach stuff, and while I realize that's important - she acts like its the end of the world if I ask her to watch Caleb. Would it kill you to miss a few hours for your family?
I totally agree. My sister and I are 21 months apart and we were super competitive growing up and not that close until I graduated high school. Even now, she will compare things that my parents do for us. My DH calls it "keeping tabs" which I am guilty of too.
That's not petty to me. That would really bother me, if not hurt my feelings! Maybe out of jealousy that they have a more exciting social life than I do, but still. hehe. :-)
Here's my FFF:
People asking questions, getting answers, then judging others by those answers. If you didn't want to know, don't ask. Or if you wanted me to give you the answer you wanted to hear, tell me that up front.
So frustrating to me.
ECU-I felt the exact same way. It was really hard to read. I'm sorry for what you're going through! I unfortunately know the feeling and it just plain sucks....
RaceyRae-I know you meant no harm but to say "It will all work out" is not really helpful. You don't know if it will work out or not. Neither do we. While I do hope it does (for ECU and myself), its really hard to know. I don't say this to pick on you at all, it's just that some things people say when you're going through infertility/loss can just rub you the wrong way....
This! OMG! My IL's are church-freaks who spend all their time with church and none with their family (except my SIL who is at the church too). I find it very hurtful that they choose the church over spending quality time with their granddaughter and it makes me sad for DD too. It's nothing to go nearly 2 weeks without even a phone call from them...
Well, that's my approach on life. It's going to work out the way it's going to whether that means your life takes a road you thought it would or a new road that takes you to new things in life you had imagined.
My FFF is that it gets really frustrating having to tip toe around the right or wrong thing to say. If you know I didn't mean any harm by it and I hope EGU knows that, then why point out that the way I said it wasn't perfect. Making people feel like they have to only say the correct thing to those dealing with infertility makes me want to just ignore those posts and not acknowledge that she was frustrated.
She didn't read my post correctly -- my comment was referring to the spacing of children. My example was that even with my sister and I being 11 years about we're still close. The OP was talking about not getting to choose the spacing between siblings even though she'd wanted them closer in age. My comment was related to if the spacing isn't what she'd hope, it could still work out. It was no different that commenting that having an only child will work out. Jen read into my post and my intention was not referring to infertility but to spacing of children and them getting along/being close even if her kids turn out to be spaced further apart, and her frustration of not getting to choose the spacing like she'd hoped.
Racey-I only pointed it out b/c I know sometimes people don't realize that things they say can be hurtful. I agree with exactly what MrsLee said-it can be intended well (and I recognize that), but be hurtful. Obviously you have not had to deal with any of this, so I just thought I'd try to give a different perspective. Think of someone going through IF or m/c as someone dealing with grief (b/c that's what we are-grieving what may not happen for us). If someone's family member died, would you say "It will all work out"? I've actually had people, who fully meant well, say "It's just not your time", "at least it wasn't really a baby"(referring to my m/c's), etc. It is soooo hurtful. I just think people, who haven't been through it, don't understand how much comments like that hurt.
Again, I am in no means picking on you and please don't take it that way. I'm just trying to point out comments that may not be helpful in talking with someone going through IF or m/c. I'm not asking you to tip-toe around us. And if you want to ignore those types of posts, that's your decision.
I'm sorry my comment was misunderstood and it came across as hurtful since that wasn't my intention. As I stated in my other post, my comment was referring to the spacing of children. If it didn't come across that way, then I'll be careful to state my posts differently in the future.
Raceyrae, I *really* like and respect you and I know how hard it can be to offer support when it's hard to know what to say, but, FWIW, I have to agree with jenwill and MrsLee. I'd move this to a separate thread since I don't think it's totally flame-free but I don't want to call unnecessary attention to it. Just changing the wording to "I hope it all works out" makes a big difference, IMHO. And I do understand the context was more in terms of child spacing and big picture, but I admit it caught my eye in reading it too. I know sometimes I have to catch myself in similar instances, and I've been through it! Please don't take it personally; it's VERY common. I/we know your intention was totally positive, promise.
Group hug, everyone.
Our Thanksgiving Day baby 11/22/07
Pregnant with #2 with LPD, uterine polyp/hysteroscopy, DOR (AMH = 0.17), 2 c/ps
Our early Christmas present 12/9/10
Thanks, I appreciate your comments. No need to move this to another thread; I have nothing else to say on the subject.
I don't either, and no worries, I wasn't about to call extra attention to it.
I think it was just intended as food for thought, albeit important IMHO, and not directed just toward you. 
Our Thanksgiving Day baby 11/22/07
Pregnant with #2 with LPD, uterine polyp/hysteroscopy, DOR (AMH = 0.17), 2 c/ps
Our early Christmas present 12/9/10
Exactly- my sister and I are 20m apart and super competitive, and we pretty much HATED each other from 11-18 yrs old. We get along now, though aren't super-close. My brother is 7 yrs younger and we are pretty close, but growing up it was more like a parent/child relationship since he was so much younger.