are your husbands "cool"?

jennlin

my h is worried about losing his friends...since we are the first in our *close* group of friends who are having kids....when we talk about friends in the future, he always says "if we even still have friends"...and i remind him that the good friends will stay...flaky friends won't...and on top of everything...people change...and friends do too. we'll make new friends ...friends with kids...our kids-friends-parents.... it'll happen....but he says those dads aren't cool like him

tell me about what happened with your friends after you had kids-- stayed the same? new group? how'd you meet your new group?

mertense

DH had moved to a small town right before we met so he had to make new friends anyways! We have made new friends but a lot of our old friends still come visit (even though it is a 5 hour drive). DH has kept many of his friends from back home and they thought it was great we had a baby. They still party more and we can't keep up   I think what you are telling him is perfect. They will stick around if they are true friends! Also hopefully he can find a dad's group (or at least you can find a mom's group with cool husbands).

Irishsapphire

My husband is a cool dad.  He has the task of picking out our son's toys, and he does a great job with this--boys and their toys. 

And he is more outgoing than me.  So he talked more about my pregnancy with my son on facebook.  Or he will post pictures of our son and then add funny comments of what our son is thinking or doing on facebook.   I feel like we have the same friends, even after we had our son.  And we keep meeting more people with the different groups or get togethers that we go to--meetup.com or just at church. 

blueLu25

I'm not the best person to answer this because we have moved a lot, but I think dh is "cool." He's definitely cooler than me, lol. But he hasnt done a lot to make new friends and we are the first of our "group" to have kids, plus we keep moving farther away, so he feels pretty distant to his old friends now. He does have friends at school, but I havent met them, so I dont think they are that close. For me its been a lot easier b/c I have met so many people from this board, plus I am home with my kids and have time to hang out with people. 

LifesPeachy

No, he is a nerd. But he has always been a nerd. What can I say, I love nerds

I think this is a natural worry for all people, not just men. And friends come and go through all your different life phases, not just friends you have before you have kids and friends you have after you have kids.

Not all friends go- the ones that stay- they become like family. And family wouldn't leave you because you had kids. And became an uncool mini van driving, Caspar BabyPants stalking, booger wiping nerd. 

My husband became a better version of himself after Gracie and I'm not the only one who saw that, his friends and brothers did too. Fatherhood didn't change him into someone they didn't want to be around, it was just the new normal.

If this is a real worry for your DH or any H, just remind them that they are going to be meeting lots of new people who are parents.. there is a whole new category of people he will have things in common with and make new friends. 

kristalovesjared

We are the only ones who have kids out of all of our friends and luckily we're still friends with all the same people, we just don't see them as much. Most of our pre kid friends are the type that like to go out and drink and we can't do that as often anymore, but when we do they are so excited that we're there and we have a great time! Daytime events, we still go, we just bring DD with. DH's best friends still come over to our house like they used to, they just have to be a little quieter after bedtime.

We've also made a few new parent friends since DD was born, but not really many and right now we just moved far away from everyone, so we need to get on the whole making friends thing because we don't have any yet in our new town!  

Jess1495

Hi! I dont know if I've introduced myself on this board yet, but I think I have seen you around on the February board also right?

Anyhow, I think my husband is fairly "cool". Most of our friends that already have kids though tend to live in eastern washington (our friends from college), so we are still figuring out meeting some new friends once we have our first LO here in Seattle. My hubby works at a architecture firm in seattle and luckily a lot of those guys are all having kids around now also (I think there have been 8 babies in the last year!) so we'll try to hang out with that group more often.

I've also heard from some folks that PEPS is a great way to meet other couples with babies your same age, and we are planning to join the PEPS group in West Seattle once baby is here! Our friends in west seattle did this when they had there baby a year ago and seems like they are always doing meet ups and bbq's with their PEPS friends now.

tfarabians

Most of dh's friends are friends from work, they all have kids so there is no coolness factor lost with having kids.  He does end up missing some of the guy stuff because our kids are still little and we have to be home early for bedtime and naps.  More than anything its been my friends who I discovered who were really friends or not after I had kids.  My single friends quickly distanced themselves because I couldn't go out and party all the time. 

braveangel2

My guy is a drummer, hence, very cool

He keeps in touch with his buddies in different ways. Minecraft with one guy, music with another. No one else in his group has married or had children, but he was always the beat keeper, the steady, cool guy.

Now that we have kids, we've made friends with another Bumpie couple and I've never met two cooler guys. It's a lot of fun. Sure, we don't go close down bars - it's a different kind of fun.

WatchPot

quickly I'll put on my bi!@H hat and say, not that you asked for my opinion, but try to set realistic expectations with him on what it means to be a dad in the early days.  Being cool and being able to hit happy hour 3 nights a week and close down bars: Probalby not in his immediate future with a new born unless you don't care that you're home alone adjusting to parenthood alone.  He might have to sacrafice for a bit until you guys have your routine figured out.  But every new set of parents has to go through this.  If he's the fist of his friends to have kids, guys don't get it.  They think babies are a mom's deal and what can he do anyway?  He needs to realize he's going to be a lot of support for you and your new role as well as being available to "help" or parent.  OK sorry for being all preachy, just wanted to get that out there.

That being said, my hubby is not cool to most people, but I think he's cool   We had only lived here about a year when we had W so we ddin't have well rooted friendships and were able to grow the friendships of those that supported our new lifestyle.  We do dinner parties instead of fancy dinners out.  we hang out and play cards/games instead of hitting the bars.  We do pizza and burgers instead of sushi and steakhouses.  But a lot of our good friends with out kids are OK with this too!  They still include us when they have parties or nights out and we come when we can but can't always and that's OK by both of us.    We also each get nights to our selves.  MNO and guys night out and we don't have to ask permission but that's becuase neither of us takes advantage of it.  So just try to be open in the beginning and let him know what you want/need/expect of him in regards to being cool and being a parent.  I'll tell ya I lost patience for hang overs about 4 years ago.  DH sometimes forgets but after he is woken up at 6am after having come home at 2, he doesn't do it again for a while! 

jennlin

WatchPot:

quickly I'll put on my bi!@H hat and say, not that you asked for my opinion, but try to set realistic expectations with him on what it means to be a dad in the early days.  Being cool and being able to hit happy hour 3 nights a week and close down bars: Probalby not in his immediate future with a new born unless you don't care that you're home alone adjusting to parenthood alone.  He might have to sacrafice for a bit until you guys have your routine figured out.  But every new set of parents has to go through this.  If he's the fist of his friends to have kids, guys don't get it.  They think babies are a mom's deal and what can he do anyway?  He needs to realize he's going to be a lot of support for you and your new role as well as being available to "help" or parent.  OK sorry for being all preachy, just wanted to get that out there.

lol, this was not mean, offensive, btchy, preachy at all...so no worries! (unless you were trying.....and in that case..try harder next time, slugger!

this whole post was really more of a "joke" post.. in all reality, i *do* think we are going to lose a good chunk of our friends. we have already slowly been drifting for the last few years because most of them aren't even in relationships, let alone even *close* to understanding needs for a child, etc. i asked if your h's were "cool", because i've met lots of wonderful friends on TK and TN throughout the years, and i just figured (even though i haven't gotten to know all of you quite yet), it'd be a matter of time before i make friends on TB too. and h is worried that even though *i* might like you guys, *he* won't like your husbands

we are far past shutting down bars...but we *do* still like the early happy hour (late happy hours we can't stay up for!). my h is very excited about being a dad and having a real excuse to not go out late at night....i'm not worried about him wanting to go out instead of being home with baby

Seattle_JiLLn

You might look into taking the "bringing baby home" class at evergreen. I think that would be really valuable to you guys since you are the first of your friends to have a kid. It's a really hard transition for anyone but more so if you think you'll be losing your friends and are in a different place.

MOHjen

My husband is awesome, but definitely not "cool"  He leaves that for me.  I'm the coolest.

kaskade

MOHjen:

My husband is awesome, but definitely not "cool"  He leaves that for me.  I'm the coolest.

Agreed.

My DH still kept up with his friends, but they understood that he was going to disappear for a while right after baby.  His group buys Husky season football tickets and packages to Husky basketball, so that guarantees he still sees them.  [Side note: and because he gets him time...I get me time].   But for the first several months, the impromptu visits, poker games and such didn't happen.  Now we still try to see people, but things are planned out a little further. 

And yes, some friends did flake off, but I wasn't surprised at who did.  The good friends all stayed.

NicoleD0516

My husband is an engineer, decidedly not cool. But, he's extremely likeable. Most of my friends do not have kids so I've experienced some distancing. He's eight years older than I am and basically the last to have kids. He moved out here seven years ago and left his closest friends behind. We have a few friends with kids but not many. Part of what I've enjoyed in our centering pregnancy group has been the opportunity to meet other first time parents. We've made friends with two other couples. I also suggest the bringing home baby class!

ETA: He's not nervous to lose friends but is actually excited to make new ones. 

cwhip77

My husband's a sci fi dork, as are most of his friends.  Like into Star Wars, and RP games, stuff like that.  But he's a "functioning dork" in that he actually has fairly good social skills and doesn't live in his mom's basement.  ~  He's also into rock/metal and has kind of that kind of look to how he dresses and such so you might not be able to tell just by looking at him. 

Yes, things will change after a baby, everything changes.  Am I not as close with my non-mommy friends?  Some of them, but some I'm still close with.  Have I made a bunch of new mommy friends?  Absolutely.  I think having a kid changes your friendship like any other change in your life - getting older, leaving school, moving... you'll lose some friends and gain some, and the really important folks will stay no matter what. 

MSTie24

I wish my husband cared about friends.  He is perfectly happy to have his few good friends across the country and would delight in a world with just the three of us.  Drives me f'ing bonkers since I would really like to have friends we can do stuff with as couples.  

JRS72206

We've stayed friends with *most* of the same people we were before and hardly any have kids. We don't see them as much, but do have active social lives, for sure. More than most parents I know, but I really need it. It can be done!