I am having a I want to give up week

mdluv21

::warning this is a total pity party:: 

These last few days I have felt so sorry myself and just want to give up.  I hate feeling like this.

I just can't believe we have spent 80% of our marriage trying to have a baby.  I never in my worst nightmares thought we would end up with failed IUIs, having to do IVF and having to bury two babies. And a chemical pregnancy.  Never could I have imagined that much pain.  The emotional and financial strain is getting to me again.  I want to be hopeful for my FET but part of me just wants to give up and avoid any more pain.

I hate being like this - I know there are others who have much more disappointment but just seeing so many friends and family take home babies while we just wait is killing me. 

I guess I should go back to my therapist but she is only available business hours and with my new job I just can't leave. Maybe I can find a new one that works nights or weekend?  I think I need a new hobby.  All I do these days is work and avoid friends and family.

I had been doing so well and now I feel like I have taken 3 steps back.  I think it is the holidays approaching.  I just wish I could fast foward to Jan. 1st

jlcrane78

I totally agree with you about fast forwarding to January 1.  I just had a c/p, and I lost 2 friends because they didn't like my coping mechanism of avoiding babies after my loss.  They are the friends I spend all my holidays with because DH and my families live out of state.  I hate the thought of the holidays this year.

We have used up 2 of our 3 IVF cycles, and I'm feeling a bit discouraged too.  A part of me wants to try that last try because I can't seem to give up hope, and a part of me is paralyzed at the thought of it not working and that being it.  End of the journey.  

I'm at the point where I should see a therapist too, but in my past experience I can't find one who quite gets the whole IF thing.  Also, DH wants me to go back to work so we can save up money.  We depleted our savings between the IVF attempts and our new house.  The whole situation just sucks.

Temp590840000005378

I'm sorry, you certainly have every right to have a pity party and I'm so sorry you are feeling sad!  I think you have been through a lot MORE than a lot of people and definitely have every reason to feel the way you do.  My only advice is to try and live day to day and not get caught up in the constant worry of wheter your FET will work and all that you have lost, obviously easier said than done.  I have no advice, IF sucks so bad, ugh!!!  You have been throuh WAY more than I have and I feel the same you feel all the time.  ((BIG HUGS))

mdluv21

jlcrane78:

I totally agree with you about fast forwarding to January 1.  I just had a c/p, and I lost 2 friends because they didn't like my coping mechanism of avoiding babies after my loss.  They are the friends I spend all my holidays with because DH and my families live out of state.  I hate the thought of the holidays this year.

We have used up 2 of our 3 IVF cycles, and I'm feeling a bit discouraged too.  A part of me wants to try that last try because I can't seem to give up hope, and a part of me is paralyzed at the thought of it not working and that being it.  End of the journey.  

I'm at the point where I should see a therapist too, but in my past experience I can't find one who quite gets the whole IF thing.  Also, DH wants me to go back to work so we can save up money.  We depleted our savings between the IVF attempts and our new house.  The whole situation just sucks.

 

Hugs to you too. I think that is the hardest part, is feeling so left behind by my friends and family or that they don't agree with how I deal with things.  I just feel they have no right to judge what they can't possibly comprehend. 

scooterq

mdluv21:

jlcrane78:

I totally agree with you about fast forwarding to January 1.  I just had a c/p, and I lost 2 friends because they didn't like my coping mechanism of avoiding babies after my loss.  They are the friends I spend all my holidays with because DH and my families live out of state.  I hate the thought of the holidays this year.

We have used up 2 of our 3 IVF cycles, and I'm feeling a bit discouraged too.  A part of me wants to try that last try because I can't seem to give up hope, and a part of me is paralyzed at the thought of it not working and that being it.  End of the journey.  

I'm at the point where I should see a therapist too, but in my past experience I can't find one who quite gets the whole IF thing.  Also, DH wants me to go back to work so we can save up money.  We depleted our savings between the IVF attempts and our new house.  The whole situation just sucks.

 

Hugs to you too. I think that is the hardest part, is feeling so left behind by my friends and family or that they don't agree with how I deal with things.  I just feel they have no right to judge what they can't possibly comprehend. 

Huge (((hugs))) to you both!!! 

And definitely, no one has a right to judge how anyone deals with a loss so difficult!!!

abvernon

Hugs to you hon. I can not imagine how difficult it is. You know I will always be there for you. I am your cheerleader. Your FET WILL work.

Can you guys do a quick getaway during the holidays? Some place like Monterey or San Luis Obispso? Maybe going away for two will help. Just my 2 cents...

As always, send me a FB message if you want to go out and vent. 

cutebride73

((((hugs))))  I just can't imagine what you have gone through and I think it makes sense that you want to give up at times.  It is just so hard to have so many failures and such heartache and still keep being hopeful.  I am sure with the holidays coming that makes it even more difficult - things were supposed to be different...

I really hope that you are able to keep going though and that after the holidays everything will work.  That you will have success and get your take home baby.  You are such a great mom - you so deserve this to happen.  You are in my thoughts and prayers sweetie. 

jlcrane78

mdluv21:

I just feel they have no right to judge what they can't possibly comprehend. 

You have totally hit the nail on the head.  I can't believe some people's total lack of compassion.  

scooterq:

Huge (((hugs))) to you both!!! 

And definitely, no one has a right to judge how anyone deals with a loss so difficult!!!

Thanks Scooter.  It's nice to know there are people out there who won't fault me for my actions.  I guess it helps you've been on this journey too, but I definitely needed to hear that.

illinigal

Huge hugs. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Nothing about IF and loss is fair, let alone having to experience both. Have you been to any loss support groups other than private therapy? I was reading about some support groups and thinking about going. They have meetings in the evenings since they assume many people work during the day.

I hope you are able to find some comfort and peace. I know you will always love your little angels, but I'm hopeful your FET will bring you your take home baby.

If you need to vent or talk, we are all here for you. Reach out anytime.

km0426

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for everything you are going through.  IF sucks and I hate that it changes who we are.  Please hang in there and do whatever you need to do to feel better.. maybe schedule some time with your therapist in the morning before starting work?

 And I have to agree.. those friends who don't agree with how you have to cope should not be judging.  They have no idea what you have gone through and I am sorry that they don't get it.  In my experience very frew people IRL do get it sadly. 

bandwife928

((hugs))  I've started to comment on your post a couple times and couldn't find the right words so I'll just say I hope you have better days ahead.

krod2010

This is my week exactly to and  I posted my pity party yesterday on the infertility board. I hate infertility and it never gets easier or better unless the end result is a baby. It has become my identity after 6 years and I hate it. I am sorry for all your loss. My words don't help much but I can say I do understand how you feel. It gets hard to see the friends on their 2nd and 3rd babies when you don't know if you will get your first one.

Hopefully you can find something nice to do for yourself this weekend and temporarily take your mind of things.

mdluv21

Thank you ladies - you always make me feel better!   I just booked a massage for Saturday.  I should save the money for our FET but F it!

 

mdluv21

illinigal:

Huge hugs. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Nothing about IF and loss is fair, let alone having to experience both. Have you been to any loss support groups other than private therapy? I was reading about some support groups and thinking about going. They have meetings in the evenings since they assume many people work during the day.

I hope you are able to find some comfort and peace. I know you will always love your little angels, but I'm hopeful your FET will bring you your take home baby.

If you need to vent or talk, we are all here for you. Reach out anytime.

No loss groups in my area but I have found two ladies from Abbyloopers in my area that are my saving grace and both had late losses.  One who also dealt with IF and one who did not and they are pretty much my only social interaction.  I am having lunch with them on Sunday.

 I actually co lead our local RESOLVE group but I feel like because the ladies there look up to me in some way, I have to put on a brave face during meeting and help them to feel hopeful.

I really just think it is the holidays.  I had been feeling really good and hopefully but I just find the holidays babyless so depressing especially since I was so happy finally last year.

I am always thinking of you and I think you are so brave to push forward!

SweetDahlia

Hugs. I hope the time passes quickly.

DeputiesWife

::hugs::

You are NOT alone.We, too , have spent 6.5 of the last 8 years trying to have a baby.

Im thinking of you. Always.  

Jackie2200

I know how you're feeling and I feel it too.  IF and loss just sucks.  I have avoided my friends and family since our loss.  I haven't even met my neice or nephew because I can't imagine what being around babies will do to me.  We have no friends either as they all have babies now. 

The holidays approaching is killing me too.  I just know my mom is going to say something about my sister having her "first" grandchild and it is just going to kill me. 

Hang in there and I hope brighter days are ahead for you. 

I also like the traveling advice.  DH and I got away to Mexico after our loss and it was just like old times....no strings attached, no dead babies to worry about, no new babies to worry about since we went to an adults-only hotel.  It was nice for a week! 

 (((hugs)))

 

 

illinigal

mdluv21:

illinigal:

Huge hugs. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Nothing about IF and loss is fair, let alone having to experience both. Have you been to any loss support groups other than private therapy? I was reading about some support groups and thinking about going. They have meetings in the evenings since they assume many people work during the day.

I hope you are able to find some comfort and peace. I know you will always love your little angels, but I'm hopeful your FET will bring you your take home baby.

If you need to vent or talk, we are all here for you. Reach out anytime.

No loss groups in my area but I have found two ladies from Abbyloopers in my area that are my saving grace and both had late losses.  One who also dealt with IF and one who did not and they are pretty much my only social interaction.  I am having lunch with them on Sunday.

 I actually co lead our local RESOLVE group but I feel like because the ladies there look up to me in some way, I have to put on a brave face during meeting and help them to feel hopeful.

I really just think it is the holidays.  I had been feeling really good and hopefully but I just find the holidays babyless so depressing especially since I was so happy finally last year.

I am always thinking of you and I think you are so brave to push forward!

I'm glad you have a couple ladies you can meet with that understand and you can be there for each other.  I've thought about going to Resolve meetings, but never did.  I think now going to a loss group meeting would be much more beneficial for me than Resolve meeting.  I'm sure you are tougher and stronger than you'll ever know for leading those meetings. 

You know what they say about you never know how brave you are until that is the only choice you have, I think that is true.  It still hurts, but I know we have to move forward because moving backward isn't an option.  The holidays will be hard, but we will all survive. 

Continued T&P heading your way.

Delta04

I don't really have any words but I wanted to give you a ::HUG:: 

softbalangel

((hugs)) I can not imagine all the that you have gone through. I wish I could take away all the pain that IF brings.

theworms

((HUGS))

i am so sorry, it's hard to not have these moments, hours, days, when you have been through all you have.   for now try to do some things that make you happy, mani/pedis, massages, funny movies, a weekend get-a-way and see a therapist.

i wish i had some more comforting words.

NicoleeBonsai

i'm so sorry you are going through this. IF is so unfair, and i wish you didn't have to experience any of this pain or heartache.

i hope your FET is IT for you sweetie ((HUGS))

vanessagorc

I just want to say HUGS

Mayan2011

I am so sorry you are in a sad place right now.  You have been through a lot of are allowed to have these pity parties.  Sometimes we need them!  Take care sweets.

njohnson1972

I just wanted to give you (((hugs))).  Your journey has been incredibly tough and with a lot of heartache.  It is hard to try and be strong all the time.  Hopefully you can find someone to talk with that has evening hours.

bubbas mama1

Ugh - I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I know there are no words that I can say that will make you feel better but please know you are in my prayers & I hope you will see better days ahead sooner rather than later. We are all hear for you sweetie!

zookbride

mdluv21:

illinigal:

Huge hugs. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Nothing about IF and loss is fair, let alone having to experience both. Have you been to any loss support groups other than private therapy? I was reading about some support groups and thinking about going. They have meetings in the evenings since they assume many people work during the day.

I hope you are able to find some comfort and peace. I know you will always love your little angels, but I'm hopeful your FET will bring you your take home baby.

If you need to vent or talk, we are all here for you. Reach out anytime.

No loss groups in my area but I have found two ladies from Abbyloopers in my area that are my saving grace and both had late losses.  One who also dealt with IF and one who did not and they are pretty much my only social interaction.  I am having lunch with them on Sunday.

 I actually co lead our local RESOLVE group but I feel like because the ladies there look up to me in some way, I have to put on a brave face during meeting and help them to feel hopeful.

I really just think it is the holidays.  I had been feeling really good and hopefully but I just find the holidays babyless so depressing especially since I was so happy finally last year.

I am always thinking of you and I think you are so brave to push forward!

 

Oh sweetie! I just happened over here to see if you had posted anything b/c I miss you not posting on 3T (although I totally understand). I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I know this year has been hellacious to you and the upcoming holidays aren't any help. I realized the other day with people talking about Halloween that I'm in a grumpy mood over all the holidays (and my Birthday) coming up. Its so disappointing to see the months and years go by.

I think it'd be ok if you let your guard down with the RESOLVE group. I know you feel like you have to be strong and put on a brave face for them, but I know for a fact that its good to see someone else open up about the emotional beating IF and loss puts you through. It makes your own tears, fears, and mental breakdowns not seem abnormal, ykwim?

You know you can always call or text me if you need someone to vent to. I thoroughly enjoyed our chat while you were on the way to the airport last week. You know I think of you and your sweet angels everyday and wish nothing more but for you to have your take home baby. Love ya, sweetie