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Babies: 6 - 9 Months
mmarsac
member
DH only wants 1... :(
mmarsac
member
My DH isn't really getting into having a baby, and he said he only wants one again last night. He says he doesn't understand why people do this. Our DD really isn't that difficult- she's pretty average as babies go. (You know, she has her crankpot days, but she's generally super fun.)
I had bad post-partum depression, so I know that's been hard on him. Right now I don't know if I could handle two babies, but I would like to give DD a sibling at some point. I also really enjoy DD, and it makes me sad that this might be the last time I do this. It also kind of pisses me off. I mean, he hardly does anything to help with DD. He doesn't even know how much formula she takes in her bottle. He's never bathed her, and he's never gotten her dressed for the day. He rarely even changes diapers, and he's never taken her out of the house by himself. I mean, I do everything, and he's going on about how hard it is.
It makes me wonder if I really want to have a second with this man. He's a hard worker and a good provider, but the family stuff just isn't coming along like I thought it would. Sometimes I just feel like giving up and moving back home with my mom...
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Re: DH only wants 1... :(
I could have written this i feel the same way, I want another ofcourse not right now. DH only wants the one because its "so hard" ...Umm what?! I do everything feed, change, bath, clothes. I think he has maybe changed 5 diapers thats it. Still he is a great provider and I love him but he will only play with her. So i dont understand how it's hard on him. I've felt the same way its way different then i thought it would be, but i guess i thought it would be more perfect man fairy tale like? Hah oh well
Did you talk about how many children you wanted before getting married? Did he change his mind since having your LO?
Give it time. A lot of men (my DH included) just aren't that into the itty bitty baby stage. My husband still doesn't really know what to do with babies and we've done this three times. But once my kids hit 12-18 months, my DH starts getting super involved. Hopefully your DH will be the same way. And then once he realizes how awesome children can be, he'll want to do it all over again.
You said your DH is a good provider and a hard worker. That says a lot! Some men just feel like their job during this baby stage is to make money and don't realize that we as women need a little help from them. Have you tried to talk to him about it? I have found that when I need help from DH, the best way to approach it is to give a list of things that would be helpful instead of just nagging. Also, it's all in my attitude when I bring it up. If I am being naggy and negative (inferring that he is a bad father or not pulling his weight) he will put up a wall, but if I say something like, "Honey, I'm really overwhelmed with the baby right and now and could really use a little help from you. Is there any way you could start handling X, Y, and Z for me?" it works much better.
Having a baby is hard on everyone, including the dad. Even though you may think they aren't overwhelmed because you are doing the majority of the physical work with the baby, remember that the dad often spends most of his time worrying about how me is going to support the baby for the next 18-26 years and whether or not his job will be there so he can be the dad and husband he is supposed to be.
Now is not the time to talk about future children. Wait until things get a little easier and DH starts enjoying the baby interaction a little more and he may come around.
Sounds like you both need to put this conversation on hold for a long time. You act sad that he only wants one, then say that you don't know if you want to have a second child with him and sometimes you want to leave him. ?
The real problem here is obviously that you resent him for not helping more. Have a long talk with your husband and seek counseling before you even think about more kids. Lots of luck.
If he doesn't help then why would you want more kids with him? He's being honest, and his honesty is reflected in his actions. I would just try to enjoy your LO and your time with her. He may change his mind, but I wouldn't count on it. And frankly, I don't know if I would want another one with someone who isn't willing to help.
First, your daughter is only 6 months old. I would give him some time and maybe re address it when she is a little older. The first year can be extremely difficult on a marriage.
I had 2 under 2 and we want 3 or 4 but we are totally emotionally and physically exhausted we are definitely waiting a little while.
Don't give up hope...and let me tell you my marriage has been extremely difficult since having children. It has been a struggle.
Give it some time. It took me and DH three years before we were ready again. Having a baby is a big change and not very rewarding at this point. I know alot of people do it but I can't imagine having two under two.
Just a thought but I know one of the reasons DH doesn't help as much is becuase he isn't confident that he is good at being a parent. Maybe ask him to do something simple, like a load of laundry or wash and no matter how he does thank him. I know it sounds crazy but my DH got way more involved when I started helping him. It was a PIA in the beginning becuase it would have been easier to do it myself but now he knows what to do and it make my life easier.
DH is the one that gets excited about having another. We both wanted #2 when DS was 6 mo. He was the one that first brought up the idea of #3.
That said, like PP have already stated, give it time. Usually men get into parenting when LO's are older and DH can play with them on a level that is easier to understand. It's hard for men to think cooing at a baby all day is fun. They just see the work. One day LO will sleep through the night consistently, she will toddle over to your DH with a favorite toy, she will say 'sit daddy' and play cars or tea party or whatever, she will hold his hand and run around the yard with him kicking a ball and giggling.
A baby is hard. Your DD is only 6 mo and it takes time sometimes for people to leave their old life behind and accept a new, kid focused life.
You had nine months to connect with your DD unlike your DH could.
Unless your 100% happy in your marriage and 100% sure you want more kids, then there's no need to be sad about him saying no more. Give it time...
ps) Beccaboo, your LOs are adorable!
This exactly! I think its better that he is being open about his feelings now and not waiting to express them. Maybe your post partum was harder on him than you realize. I think this is a case of, Whoops we probably should have discussed this before we decided to spend eternity together.
This might be a odd version of reverse psychology.. (sorta) but what if you let him do more with LO? My DH falls more and more in love with our daughter the MORE he does with her. I think it helps establish their bond. The more he bathes her, dresses her, feeds her, rocks her to sleep...the more attached she gets to him. When she lights up and smiles when she sees him.. the more attached he becomes. He actually begs for me to let him pick her up from daycare just so he can see how excited she is. DH wants lots of kids... and me too.
I dunno.. might be worth a shot?
this. he's had 6 months to adjust. tell him to change the diaper and make bottles. leave him alone with the LO. 1ht.
This was GREAT advice and well-said. I "think" I want one more, but I HATED being pregnant. To be honest, I think I want one more because I have that silly dream of having a boy and a girl. I've even asked Jared if we ended up having another boy if we'd consider having a third LO, and he looked at me like I was nuts. That being said, he's a mostly SAHD, so he does most of the parenting. So, we definitely need to be on the same page if he's putting everything on hold to be a SAHD and I'm trying to make enough money to support us.
Maybe explore your feelings of why you want another LO. Like, in my case, wanting a boy AND a girl is kind of a silly thing because you never know what will happen. (At least, I feel silly when I admit that that's why I want another one.)
Mac and cheese lover!
We did discuss it- it's just different when it actually happens and you're getting no sleep, etc. I just get so frustrated with him sometimes, but I think all of this advice is helpful. He does seem to enjoy her more as he spends more time with her; he just won't do it on his own. I need to initiate things and help him build confidence with her. I guess I just get frustrated b/c I figured this baby stuff out on my own just by doing it. I feel like he thinks I have some kind of magical baby knowledge b/c I'm the Mom, and I never get tired, and I love every second of it, even when I'm getting thrown up on.
DH isn't a baby person but toddlerhood is so much fun!
He doesn't help at all when they are in the baby stage and I think he just doesn't know what to do. They can't tell him with words and they can't point to what they want to pull you over to it (like DD can). I resented him a lot when DD was little because he literally did nothing. He would say "uh ____ is fussy can you come here" and I would have to say "pick her up and walk around with her." He loved DD but had a harder time connecting with the helpless baby stage. Also DD was very fussy/colicky with severe reflux the first year. We did not have an easy baby but she is a wonderful toddler and DH has really enjoyed interacting with her and is a great father.
With DS he is very similar... he loves to hold happy baby but he often says "I can't wait until DS is a toddler and is running around" (DS was a bfing/mini pill accident! DH thought we could be one and done)
Point is: give it time! Some people just are not baby people but toddlerhood is an entire different game with such a blossoming personality. When he sees your LO personality and starts to interact (running to give hugs and kisses) he may change his mind.