Bringing it up with DH?

apollonia10

Hi everyone! I've never posted here before but my heart has always been open for adoption, even before I met my husband. We have been married for a year and TTC for that long, with no children yet. I work in a preschool now, and we have many foster kids come through - most of whom are in the process of being returned to their birth parents or adopted by their foster parents.

A sibling set (two brothers, ages 2 and 4) have been coming in for a while now, and they've really bonded with me - they trust me more than other adults, and I just adore them. Today I found out that their parental rights have been terminated, and that they are up for adoption. Their current foster family already has several children and is not looking to adopt them.

These boys are sweet, kind, and loving. They are a little more sensitive than other kids, but considering what they've been through, they are doing really well. I just love them!

MH and I have discussed adoption, but he is reluctant to pursue it because of birth parent issues - he's worried that we'll fall in love with our kids, but then lose them to birth parents. Right now we're looking for a house that would accommodate our future children, and we haven't pursued any adoption classes or anything (this has only come up for me today), so it wouldn't be an immediate process.

Anyway - my question is, how did you approach your spouse about adoption? Did you arrive at it together? I don't want to scare him off the idea in the first conversation.

Dr.Loretta

Eh, if you scare him off all is not lost. DH freaked at first, but now we're the proud parents of a 19mo we adopted last year.

We had IF issues, and the conversation started turning from a more abstract concept of adopting to a more concrete discussion about pursuing that option to build our family. DH was about 6 months behind me in being ready: I read Adoption for Dummies cover to cover and was SO excited, but he felt I was pressuring him. We agreed to table concrete discussions while still attending phone seminars, webinars, and in person seminars. He also had concerns about how intrusive the homestudy process was. When he'd dealt with a lot of his other concerns, we called agencies and had them walk us through the homestudy. That made him much more comfortable about it.

If you're interested in adopting foster kids whose parental rights have already been terminated, that makes his concerns pretty much a moot point. I'd maybe start with that approach and see how he feels about it.

Mrs.KLF

Well, the first time I brought it up, I was very blunt and said "What do you think of adoption?"  He was also very blunt and said "No way, no how."  At the time, I was fine with that answer, so we moved on.

After we had our son, I brought the topic up again, simply because I felt I was being led in that direction.  I didn't know when or how, but I felt a strong call that someday we would add to our family with adoption.  So I approached DH again and said it was still on my mind, that I knew he had reservations about it, but I wanted him to know that I felt led in that direction and could he please think about it and prayerfully consider it.

About 3 or 4 months ago, out of the blue, he said that he was willing to adopt.  (!!)  At the time, we decided to have another biological baby and then adopt #3 or maybe even #4.

But then about a month and a half ago, I suddenly felt a strong immediate calling to adopt and do it very soon...when I approached DH again about it, I simply said I felt like God was calling us to adopt #2 rather than wait for #3 or #4 and to my completely shock and utter surprise, he immediately said he was on board. (God is so cool like that!) 

In all of our conversations, I never really pushed the issue, I just shared my heart with him and then let him have time to think on what I'd said.  Really, the last time I brought it up to him was the time I said the most about it, and at that point I shared how I felt like God had already grown my heart and I had a place ready to accept and love a child and then gave him quite a few examples of people who'd been placed in my path or situations that had been brought up to me that were confirming what I felt we were being called to do.  

Regarding parental rights, it varies state to state, but I think if they've been terminated, losing the kids to their birth parents is very rare.  I think you could talk to a social worker and find out if they have any relatives pursuing their adoption.

Good luck!

purplerhi

I was very scared to bring it up with my DH because we had decided that children were just not in the cards for us.  But then I was feeling like I was being called to adopt.  When I finally got up the courage to mention it to DH, he said that we was also getting that feeling and hadn't wanted to push me in that direction.  Now I am typing with my two month old daughter squirming on my lap.  Good luck. Adoption is such a wonderful blessing!

emv5013

I agree with all the other ladies. Don't be afraid if he's not on board as quick as you. When I first brought it up to my husband, he wanted to have children biologically before we did foster care or adoption... but as time went on and he had some time to think about it-- he is getting excited to get the application done and finally be licensed! 

It took a couple of months for my husband to come around, but he was the one who actually brought up that he would want to adopt any of the children that were placed with us for foster care if they were open for adoption. SO! Don't give up hope- just be patient! : )  

KellyOsu23

I brought it up with DH, probibly 5-6 times in the past 2 yrs. Its been a definate no each time, that he just couldnt get attach and then something happen. (foster to adopt)

 So while above are some amazing stories, sometimes it doesnt turn out that way the way you want. I will probibly continue to bring it up as its on my mind further on down the road and perhaps he will come around. We will see!

tfkre8ive

We are the opposite in that DH was cool with adoption from the get go because his sister is adopted. It took me maybe a year to come around to the idea and I had to do a lot of reading about adoption to be comfortable with the idea. We are not in process yet, giving fertility treatments until the end of the year. Then if no luck, in January we will begin pursuing adoption. It just took me time to come to grips with and grieve the fact that I may not be able to have bio children. When I realized and accepted that the goal is to be a parent, and I can be a parent to a child no matter how that child came to me, my desire to adopt grew. Maybe your DH needs time to process the idea as well.