Divorce with an adoption :(

MrFixit

Hi I'm new here. I joined because I know that this website is very helpful with learning what a baby needs and when they need it.

 To make a short story even shorter... my wife filed for divorce two days ago. We have been married 2 years almost exactly. She told me she was depressed a month ago and I was the cause of it, she was not in love with me anymore and she wanted out even though 3 months ago we were talking about adopting another baby. As you can imagine I was very much shocked. We have a 6 month old baby girl we adopted. So now whenever I have her I will be figuring things out on my own instead of as a team. I love my daughter so ridiculously much and wish this wasn't happening to her, but it is out of mine and her control.

 Has anyone been through a divorce with an adoption? I need to know how to make sure that she will never feel that she is to blame for this and that she is loved by both her mother and myself. I will do everything in my power to make sure she feels that love and knows that love, but I'm not going to lie I'm scared. I guess a good thing is that she will ever know anything different because she is so young. The thing I am worried about is that I will protect her too much though... I am already very protective of her. I was very protective of her before she was even born.

 Any suggestions are greatly appreciative.. and like I said I will likely be utilizing this website a lot now.

 Thanks.

MrFixit

 As far as counseling, I tried repeatedly to get her to attend with me. She said she would go but before we went together she served me papers. She says she will go on her own, but at this point I have no idea if that is true or not. With showing her how much I care... it is past that point because I have done everything I could possibly think of but it was all failed. She has cut all emotions off when it comes to me. 

  She has been on solid foods for about a month and a half. I am feeding her gerber stage 1 food. When can I change to stage 2? What is STTN? She is teething, well she already has 2 teeth and is getting more. I fully plan on using a rear facing carseat as long as possible for safety reasons. Thanks for your input and sympathies... the wheels are in motion and there is nothing I can do to stop them.

Amy720

I am so sorry you're having to go through this.  It sounds like you are a wonderful caring dad who is certainly looking out for your daughter's best interests.  There are many wonderful websites that can help you with any questions you have, but of course we will try and help too.  The website that I loved when trying to decide what foods were best at different ages was www.gerber.com.  You can find out all kinds of info here.  STTN stands for sleeing through the night.  At 6 months, she is probably sleeping fairly well (I hope for you).  Just take it one day at a time and do your best.  I hope mom sees the light and knows how important it is to make time for her daughter.  If not, it sounds like you may be all that she needs.  She's really a lucky little girl.

MrFixit

Thanks. I had been the one who fed her before bathtime and gave her baths every night so I am aware of the food allergies aspect. I also have went to the pedi with her most of the times. So far she has been good with every vegetable and fruit... watch out for those prunes though. But you are saying that if she is ok with all of the vegetables that she has had then I can get the stage 2 that is the mixed vegetables?

 What about where I can get coupons for diapers/formula? Now that I am a single income I have to pinch pennies on everything. Also, any good websites for getting baby gear? Babies R Us is ridiculous! I was thinking Target & Kohl's... any thoughts?

 When I give her a bath should I get her one of those "Dream Seats" or whatever they are called? I kind of like the fact that she just uses her own muscles to sit up while I wash her... figure that helps with her to develop them.

 Thanks again for the advice.

MrFixit

Everyone tells me that I am lucky because she usually sleeps 10hrs a night. The pedi says that because she is a cat napper that could be the reason she sleep so well at night, but I don't mind getting my sleep (well what I can right now with everything going on).

I'll check out gerber.com.  Any other sites that would be useful?

I don't want to paint the picture that her mom doesn't love her, she does and is there. She just left me and is forcing me to take care of everything(house, pets, finances, etc.) because she moved out. We split time with our daughter 50% of the time for the most part. I can't get enough time with her, always breaks my heart when I don't have her. I have waited so long to be a dad and she is so perfect. I couldn't ask for a better daughter.

MrFixit

Has anyone ever went through this with their husband and newly adopted child? The additional stress of caring for a child and being depressed but blaming the stress on the wrong thing? If so, how did you get past it? Even though my wife filed for a divorce I still love her very much and know that she just isn't thinking clearly... I merely hope that she can recognize what she is doing before it is too late for herself. Not so much for us but for herself... I truly believe some time down the road she will regret how quickly she did this and didn't give us a chance. Yes we had problems but nothing that would warrant this.. All of our friends are in complete disbelief that this is happening.

 How do I get her to see for herself? Any suggestions?

MrFixit

I think you probably hit the nail on the head with all of the stresses. I have read about PADS and I am no professional so I can't say that is what it is, but it may be part of it who knows.  I honestly can't tell you everything she is feeling because she won't open up to me she cut all emotional ties to me. That is how she deals with stress.

 I am hopeful that we can go to counseling together not to save the marriage but for our beautiful baby girl.

 Thank you for your input.

foundmylazybum

I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. You sound like a really caring dad--and honestly--a lot of the questions you raise are questions I would think all parents ask.

I quickly looked up this book:

https://search.barnesandnoble.com/Single-Father/Armin-A-Brott/e/9780789205209?itm=14&z=y

 

This book is part of a series, and this is just the "New Father" Book--you might also find this one helpful,

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/new-father-armin-a-brott/1101104445?ean=9780789208156&itm=2&usri=new%2bfather

Not being a single father I haven't actually read it but you might look it over and see if it's helpful to you--it looks like it could help with some of the issues you are working through. 

I think it's very touching that you are taking on the responsibilities with your daughter. I can imagine that it IS confusing raising a tiny human all on your own.

Whether or not you are able to seek couple's counseling with your (ex)wife, counseling for yourself might be helpful.  One thing a counselor may help you do is  suggest social support with other single dads or even parents. Additionally, whether or not things work out with your wife--counseling makes YOU a stronger parent.

Good luck--my thoughts are with you. 

MrFixit

Thanks for the book ideas. I will definitely take a look at them. I fully intend to continue therapy, with or without her. I hope that she attends on her own and eventually with me, not to save the marriage but to prevent communication issues for our daughter.

I truly feel that with an adoption the divorce is even more significant and detrimental to the child. I'm no professional but I just don't want our daughter growing up thinking "My birth parents didn't want me and 6 months after I was born my adoptive parents didn't want me." I am going to do everything in my power to prevent that. As sad as it is to say, maybe it is best that she is so young when this is going on. That way she doesn't know any different.

 Thanks again for the book ideas! i'll let you know what I think of them.