What would you do??

Dustilou

Hello this is my first post on this side, but after all my mommy years I need outside help. 

  I have an 11 yr old daughter who finally found something she loves and has stuck to...Cheer Leading. We have searched for an activity and this has been her focus for the last 2 years.

  Anyway tonight after practice she was in tears, and told me she feels like her self esteem is gone.  She was told by her coach from last year (now an assistant to the head coach for the my daughters Elite team) she was selfish, and to "be a man and grow up and grow a pair".  I confronted the coach and she admitted to calling her selfish and then quickly left without any else said.  I spoke to another coach and she told me what had happened in practice, but didn't know about the "man up" comment.This after she had missed one practice due to a school mandated trip, and was replaced in the routine she had already learned. ('School activities do not warrant replacement or benching' per the team hand book). She has worked hard on learning how to "fly" correctly, and has spent a minimum of 2 days a week in the gym for the last 2 years. All of which is not required by this particular team.

  My problem is what should I do? Should I pull her off the team and try to find a new place for her to start over. Or do I make her finish out her commitment to this squad? 

  Her little glow has left her eyes and she hasn't stopped crying.  An 11 yr old is so easily crushed, and all her years of practice and gym time seems to mean nothing to these women.

I don't know what to do...any advise is extremely helpful...TIA

Dustilou in Denver

MayorMcCheese000

Dead Dustilou in Denver,

 First and foremost, I would talk to your daughter and get a detailed description from her perspective of what happened. Then, I would call the coach and ask for a detailed description of what happened from her perspective. Then I would ask about the situation of her being replaced in the routine and how it came about. She has put a lot of time and energy into this team, it seems silly to take your pom-poms and go home without first figuring out what happened. I would also ask your daughter what she wants to do, maybe she wants to stick it out with this team.

I consider myself to be a real expert in this area because I watch a lot of reality tv, specifically Toddlers and Tiaras and Dance Mom. Sometimes biitches be crazy. If these coaches are anything like the teacher from Dance Mom, I would run far far away.

I leave you with a quote from one Betty White:

"?Why do people say "grow some balls?" Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.?

Mayor McCheese

DandelionMom

I don't know a thing about cheerleading but it doesn't sound right that she should lose her spot for attending a school mandated trip.  And I don't think an 11 y/o's coach needs to demean children for making school a priority.  Either there's something missing from your story or the coach is an unethical ass. 

If the coach is an ass, the situation needs to be rectified -- if a child was treated like that she at least deserves an apology. 

karen6784

DandelionMom:

I don't know a thing about cheerleading but it doesn't sound right that she should lose her spot for attending a school mandated trip.  And I don't think an 11 y/o's coach needs to demean children for making school a priority.  Either there's something missing from your story or the coach is an unethical ass. 

If the coach is an ass, the situation needs to be rectified -- if a child was treated like that she at least deserves an apology. 

This.  Well said!

ridesbuttons

Dustilou:

  Anyway tonight after practice she was in tears, and told me she feels like her self esteem is gone.  She was told by her coach from last year (now an assistant to the head coach for the my daughters Elite team) she was selfish, and to "be a man and grow up and grow a pair".  I confronted the coach and she admitted to calling her selfish and then quickly left without any else said.  I spoke to another coach and she told me what had happened in practice, but didn't know about the "man up" comment.This after she had missed one practice due to a school mandated trip, and was replaced in the routine she had already learned. ('School activities do not warrant replacement or benching' per the team hand book). She has worked hard on learning how to "fly" correctly, and has spent a minimum of 2 days a week in the gym for the last 2 years. All of which is not required by this particular team.

  My problem is what should I do? Should I pull her off the team and try to find a new place for her to start over. Or do I make her finish out her commitment to this squad?  

Ok.  I'm going to pretend that this is about basketball and there was an incident at practice and a missed practice due to a school mandated trip (which I know happens: if your class goes to the science centre you are compelled to go with them, for example).

You do not mention what the incident was that opened the door for the coach to say what she said.  That is a key piece of information.

Regardless, she is part of a team and she is 11.  I think in this instance she finishes the season.  She might feel very differently at the end of the season than she does now, or she might feel the same.  But at 11 you do start to have to take criticism (even the mean kind) and carry on a bit.  It is not ideal, but it is life.

I pretend it is basketball because I do not have any sense of cheerleading as a competitive sport and I didn't want to dismiss it lightly, because from what I understand, people take it very seriously.

MayorMcCheese000

I also agree with OP's that by 11 she needs to be able to handle some criticism. I would have no problem telling my 11 year old SD if she was acting selfishly. They need to learn the world doesn't revolve around them and how their actions affect others, its part of growing up. If the coach said the other things your daughter said she did, then yes that is inappropriate, but even still IDK if it is quitting-worthy.

Dustilou

First off thank you for your advise! I just need to clarify I am not a 'dance mom' nor am I a 'stage mom'. I grew up with one and I never want to have my children feel like I did when I was dancing and completing.  That being said I have decided to let my Daughter decide.  We did discuss criticism and how to take it and learn from it. It just hurt because it was from someone she admires, and because she is friends with the Coaches daughter.

 Some of you need me to clarify a few things. First she is on a try out based competitive squad, and had to earn her place. She does spend 2 days solely tumbling (3 hours after school) and 3 days at practice with her squad (2 and 1/2 hour sessions).  As far as the school trip it is part of the schools science core, and it counts toward her grade. It is also a 6th grade requirement.

 As far as this Coach and her ways. She doesn't have a filter sometimes, and can even make us parents feel small.  I actually like this woman outside of cheer. Our daughters are really great friends. 

  We as parents are not allowed in practice.  We don't have access to a viewing area nor are we allowed to stay during practice. (It causes a distraction).  But I also spoke with one of the other Coaches after my run in and she explained everything to me, and told me she had heard what was said, and tried to apologize for her fellow coaches behavior. So I believe my daughter, and what she said happened.

  Our family is not just a "cheer" family. I also have 2 other children who have done multiple sports and we have had this happen before.  But boys will shake it off and go out and prove them wrong.  My daughter fights for what she deems fight worthy, and doesn't walk away from her commitments unless she cannot find a way to make it work.  Fingers crossed she toughs it out and has fun with her friends. I know she would miss those experiences with them.  But like I said it is her choice.

  Thank you again!