What does being a "parent" mean?

CPA04

Darth's post got me thinking, what does being a "parent" mean? 

XH sees B twice a month and likes to "do stuff" with him.  It reminds me of a child being in the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program where someone takes the child to do a fun thing a couple times a month.  He doesn't "parent" him.  He doesn't provide for him financially, doesn't discipline him, he'll never be present at school conferences, won't be taking him to flag football practice or swim lessons.  Although he's B's father and I know he loves him, sometimes it's hard to say he's B's parent.

What does it mean to be a parent?

DarthNBJenni

I hear ya. I swear the only reason my ex-h sees the girls is because his mom makes him. When he has them, he stays at her house so she can help. Which is fine by me, because I know his apartment is filthy. But he lives a mile away, and doesn't do his mid-week visit (and hasn't in almost 2 years), never inquires about doctor/dentist appointments, has never come to the ER when the girls have been there, will not contribute financially or physically if they do dance/gymnastics/music classes, refuses to help with child care or medical bills, and even when he does have them - ignores them to watch football. He does whatever is easiest. 

ShanJosh777

DarthNBJenni:

I hear ya. I swear the only reason my ex-h sees the girls is because his mom makes him. When he has them, he stays at her house so she can help. Which is fine by me, because I know his apartment is filthy. But he lives a mile away, and doesn't do his mid-week visit (and hasn't in almost 2 years), never inquires about doctor/dentist appointments, has never come to the ER when the girls have been there, will not contribute financially or physically if they do dance/gymnastics/music classes, refuses to help with child care or medical bills, and even when he does have them - ignores them to watch football. He does whatever is easiest. 

Do you talk to his mom directly? 

My ex-MIL asks to take DS more than ex-H ever does. Which isn't hard considering he takes him, um, never. So I make arrangements directly with her. Sometimes I get so irritated with it that I feel like cutting them all out of my life and letting him file for visitation if he and/or his mom want to have time with DS. But I know that's not in DS's best interest so I try to put those thoughts aside.

PrettyInPearls23

As much as I loathe my XH, I will never discredit him as being a parent to DS. Sure, he's pretty inactive in his life, only seeing him EOW and never inquiring about him during the week or using his mid-week visitation, but he's still a parent nonetheless.

I know for a fact our parenting styles are polar opposites. XH has little patience for DS' tantrums, which at this age, are an everyday thing. He doesn't understand that DS is young and needs to stay on a schedule and routine. He likes to "do stuff" when he has DS, which is great, but I don't think that allows for good bonding time between just DS and his father.

Ah, the joys of co-parenting

ShanJosh777

Oh and to answer the OP, my ex is pretty much the same. The very limited time he sees DS is more like 'entertainment' to him. He will do some activity with him and that's it. He doesn't ever take him just on a normal day if that makes sense. He's never taken him overnight, so he never has a day where they just wake up, hang out, have breakfast, play, etc. They are always doing some "event" or whatever. Big brothers/big sisters is a good way to put it, ha!

Ex-mil does try to be more involved, she has come to a couple activities at his school and I can see her coming to his sporting events and stuff. But, again, she sees him so limited that it's just like a big party when she does have him. No discipline, constant interaction, he is the center of attention the entire time, etc.

DarthNBJenni

ShanJosh777:

DarthNBJenni:

I hear ya. I swear the only reason my ex-h sees the girls is because his mom makes him. When he has them, he stays at her house so she can help. Which is fine by me, because I know his apartment is filthy. But he lives a mile away, and doesn't do his mid-week visit (and hasn't in almost 2 years), never inquires about doctor/dentist appointments, has never come to the ER when the girls have been there, will not contribute financially or physically if they do dance/gymnastics/music classes, refuses to help with child care or medical bills, and even when he does have them - ignores them to watch football. He does whatever is easiest. 

Do you talk to his mom directly? 

My ex-MIL asks to take DS more than ex-H ever does. Which isn't hard considering he takes him, um, never. So I make arrangements directly with her. Sometimes I get so irritated with it that I feel like cutting them all out of my life and letting him file for visitation if he and/or his mom want to have time with DS. But I know that's not in DS's best interest so I try to put those thoughts aside.

No. I did at the beginning, but ex-h made her life hell for talking to me, so I don't anymore. His extended family keeps up with me for info on the girls, though.  

DaringMiss

CPA04:

 He doesn't provide for him financially, doesn't discipline him, he'll never be present at school conferences, won't be taking him to flag football practice or swim lessons.  Although he's B's father and I know he loves him, sometimes it's hard to say he's B's parent.

1.) Why isn't he contributing financially to his child?

2.) How do you know he won't be attending school conferences?

3.) How do you know he won't want to be involved in the child's sports activities?

Sometimes a person is just not a "baby" person.  They find infants and toddlers difficult to communicate with or find the helplessness of a baby too much to handle.  Once the child is verbal and active, the person finds the child more engaging and easier to bond with.  Perhaps this is what will happen.   

CPA04

DaringMiss:

CPA04:

 He doesn't provide for him financially, doesn't discipline him, he'll never be present at school conferences, won't be taking him to flag football practice or swim lessons.  Although he's B's father and I know he loves him, sometimes it's hard to say he's B's parent.

1.) Why isn't he contributing financially to his child? He can't "afford it".  CS continues to accrue.

2.) How do you know he won't be attending school conferences? He lives over a hundred miles away and doesn't have a driver's license.

3.) How do you know he won't want to be involved in the child's sports activities? See #2.  ETA:  He will WANT to, but won't have the means to given distance and logistics.

Sometimes a person is just not a "baby" person.  They find infants and toddlers difficult to communicate with or find the helplessness of a baby too much to handle.  Once the child is verbal and active, the person finds the child more engaging and easier to bond with.  Perhaps this is what will happen.   He's very much a "baby" person.  He uses B to get attention from others.  But like pp said, it's like a party, always doing something and not just hanging out and bonding with him.  It will be interesting when DS gets older and isn't so "fun" to play with like a toddler is.

peeps61308

DaringMiss:

CPA04:

 He doesn't provide for him financially, doesn't discipline him, he'll never be present at school conferences, won't be taking him to flag football practice or swim lessons.  Although he's B's father and I know he loves him, sometimes it's hard to say he's B's parent.

1.) Why isn't he contributing financially to his child?

2.) How do you know he won't be attending school conferences?

3.) How do you know he won't want to be involved in the child's sports activities?

Sometimes a person is just not a "baby" person.  They find infants and toddlers difficult to communicate with or find the helplessness of a baby too much to handle.  Once the child is verbal and active, the person finds the child more engaging and easier to bond with.  Perhaps this is what will happen.   

That statement chaps my a$$. You are the child's parent, who cares if you are not a "baby or toddler" person. You don't get to decide that you don't want to interact with your kids because you don't like the particular stage they are in. Thank goodness one of these children's parents suck it up and deal with ALL of the stages (even the not so fun ones) so the other parent can pick and choose which ones they want to participate in

Unknown

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ShanJosh777

peeps61308:

DaringMiss:

CPA04:

 He doesn't provide for him financially, doesn't discipline him, he'll never be present at school conferences, won't be taking him to flag football practice or swim lessons.  Although he's B's father and I know he loves him, sometimes it's hard to say he's B's parent.

1.) Why isn't he contributing financially to his child?

2.) How do you know he won't be attending school conferences?

3.) How do you know he won't want to be involved in the child's sports activities?

Sometimes a person is just not a "baby" person.  They find infants and toddlers difficult to communicate with or find the helplessness of a baby too much to handle.  Once the child is verbal and active, the person finds the child more engaging and easier to bond with.  Perhaps this is what will happen.   

That statement chaps my a$$. You are the child's parent, who cares if you are not a "baby or toddler" person. You don't get to decide that you don't want to interact with your kids because you don't like the particular stage they are in. Thank goodness one of these children's parents suck it up and deal with ALL of the stages (even the not so fun ones) so the other parent can pick and choose which ones they want to participate in

AGREE! I've honestly realized I'm not a baby OR a toddler person, but somehow I was still 100% responsible for DS for those years. Now that he is 3, I am really starting to feel more comfortable and have so much more fun with him than before. But really, I'm not a baby/toddler person, should I have just abandoned him and it would have been cool? Then I could  have come back when it got to be more fun?

peeps61308

ShanJosh777:

peeps61308:

DaringMiss:

CPA04:

 He doesn't provide for him financially, doesn't discipline him, he'll never be present at school conferences, won't be taking him to flag football practice or swim lessons.  Although he's B's father and I know he loves him, sometimes it's hard to say he's B's parent.

1.) Why isn't he contributing financially to his child?

2.) How do you know he won't be attending school conferences?

3.) How do you know he won't want to be involved in the child's sports activities?

Sometimes a person is just not a "baby" person.  They find infants and toddlers difficult to communicate with or find the helplessness of a baby too much to handle.  Once the child is verbal and active, the person finds the child more engaging and easier to bond with.  Perhaps this is what will happen.   

That statement chaps my a$$. You are the child's parent, who cares if you are not a "baby or toddler" person. You don't get to decide that you don't want to interact with your kids because you don't like the particular stage they are in. Thank goodness one of these children's parents suck it up and deal with ALL of the stages (even the not so fun ones) so the other parent can pick and choose which ones they want to participate in

AGREE! I've honestly realized I'm not a baby OR a toddler person, but somehow I was still 100% responsible for DS for those years. Now that he is 3, I am really starting to feel more comfortable and have so much more fun with him than before. But really, I'm not a baby/toddler person, should I have just abandoned him and it would have been cool? Then I could  have come back when it got to be more fun?

I am not really a "kid" person either. I love my DD but still have little use for other people's children. Once I had a child, that fact that I was generally not a "kid" person didn't matter. She is my DD and watching her grow and learn in an excellent reward for all the hard times.

DarthNBJenni

I'm not a baby, toddler, or little kid person - which is why I teach crazy, hormonal teenagers. I'll feel more comfortable, and like I know what I'm actually doing, in about 10 years, lol.

katie_cj

I think I'm coming from a slightly different perspective, but that's okay because all of our situations are different and mine is luckily drama free recently.

Jake's father gets him EOW, we live about 250 miles apart, so it's not realistic for him to see Jake more.  Considering he spends so little time with him, I expect that the week-end will be fun filled. Wouldn't you do the same if the situation was opposite?

Doesn't make Jake's father any less of a parent. 

But like I said, my situation is different. My ex would gladly take full custody if he could.

gy86

I wonder the same thing every day.  Though I guess I'm technically in a relationship with my baby's father (we dated on and off for 6 years), we don't cohabit, our daughter lives with me 100% of the time, and I am 100% responsible for arranging everything from doctor's appts & health insurance to daycare pick up/drop off, buying baby supplies, finding outings & classes, etc. 

He comes over and "helps out" maybe once or twice a week?  And by "helping out" I mean he arrives around dinner time, expecting to be fed, and typically doesn't even wash his own dirty dishes unless I remind him.  He'll hang out for an hour or two, but as soon as baby starts to fuss, he hands her to me saying he doesn't have the necessary equipment to deal with her (she's breastfed).  Which is complete BS since there's breastmilk in the freezer 24/7 and she could have just eaten.  Basically, I feel like he gets to be a parent at-will, whereas I am a parent all the time.  He'll come cuddle and play for a little bit, but hasn't once woken up in the middle of the night to deal with feedings & changings... he is in my mind completely oblivious to the normal day-to-day stuff that all of us do without even thinking twice.

I'm very thankful that he contributes financially to the baby-only expenses (we split the cost of daycare & diapers) but I know that I incur more due to gas from driving baby around, buying things like nursing pads and breast pump parts, etc.  Not to mention the hours I put in each day with baby care, which he never does.  What really bugs me is that he just has no awareness and hence no appreciation for what parenthood really means... he's still living like a bachelor, renting a room in his uncle's house, watching TV drinking beer and eating convenience food.  We have common friends and will occasionally go to things like birthday parties together, and it really bugs me they all ask him how he likes being a father... and I'm just thinking, "HA!  He has no idea what it even means to be a father."

Sad thing is, I don't see him picking up any of the slack unless I were to just stop doing stuff.  I've seen situations where dads really turn their lives around and become great fathers, but typically only in instances where the moms get super lazy.  I'm not about to sacrifice my child's well being or knowing she's receiving quality care, so I likely will continue to do 100% of the parenting.  This is something I really worry about for when our daughter gets older and needs things like discipline being regularly enforced. 

JCGreene85

I means putting your kid before your own needs. Being the one who stays home from work when your baby is sick because no one else will. It means doing all the doctor appointments, school activities, and taking care of everyday items. Providing food, clothing, and shelter. 

While my EX says he isn't a "deadbeat" because he has  the receipts to prove it, I think it goes beyond writing a check every month (or not) to say you are a parent. Just because they provide financially "when they want" does not make them a parent. 

My Ex feels that he can show up when he wants for as long as he wants and he is a "great" parent. It is all rainbow and sunshine for him. He'll be able to pick Wy up and have visitation, but he will never know what it is like to struggle everyday.

This might have turned into a mini vent  

kirbear

I agree that every situation is different- based on your individual situation, how close the father lives etc...  With that being said, I do not consider my dd's father to be a "parent".  He lives 2 minutes away and he sees her for 1-2 hours per week.  During that time, he does nothing with her- she watches tv, or maybe they go to the park where he sits on the bench. They do not interact.  He has given up his full day visits, overnights etc...  He works second shift so prior to her going to kindergarten he could have had a lot of extra time with her (she was at a babysitters house).  He never once asked for extra time. He's also off three days per week.

He does not help with any of her day to day care, he does not attend dr appointments, he no longer takes her during meal times so he doesn't have to deal with her food allergies.  He doesn't care for her when sick, has never taken a day off from work for her, does not come in an emergency, does not attend her sporting events (once in a blue moon), and no longer takes her to his house.  He doesn't call to talk to her, he has not a clue what is going on with her, he even refused to go to appts that the psych asked him to attend.  

A few weeks ago his excuse for not going to dd's gymnastics was that the "dog was about to get a bath"  I am not joking- that is exactly what he said.  Obviously his priorities are pretty screwed up.  I did not tell dd this, but he wanted me to!

He thinks he is a great dad because he writes out a check and sends some random texts asking how she is.  But they are phoney, because even if I said things were not going so well, he does not offer to help nor does he check on her again.  She had surgery and he never checked on her later that day.  

My idea of a parent is someone who puts their child in front of themselves. Someone who has to make sacrifices for their child.  Someone who is responsible for the daily care of the child (could be an EOW thing too).  Someone who takes time off of work when their child is sick, or to attend important events.  Someone who makes their child feel special and number one!  Someone who is there through the good and bad times.  

I also do not agree that some people are not "baby" people.  You don't get to choose what stage of your child's life you want to be involved in.  You are there all the time, just as we are.  And a child isn't going to accept a "parent" all of a sudden after years of not being involved because all of a sudden it's easier for that parent.  My dd is 5 is already has formed some valid opinions about her father (all on her own) and has a very strained relationship with him.  She does not even include him as a part of her family- sad but true.   

My friend's xh is so polar opposite of my xh and I will gladly admit that he is just as equal of a parent as my friend is.  A true def of "father of the year"!  it's nice to know that there are some out there after reading all of these posts! 

CPA04

JCGreene85:

I means putting your kid before your own needs. Being the one who stays home from work when your baby is sick because no one else will. It means doing all the doctor appointments, school activities, and taking care of everyday items. Providing food, clothing, and shelter. 

While my EX says he isn't a "deadbeat" because he has  the receipts to prove it, I think it goes beyond writing a check every month (or not) to say you are a parent. Just because they provide financially "when they want" does not make them a parent. 

My Ex feels that he can show up when he wants for as long as he wants and he is a "great" parent. It is all rainbow and sunshine for him. He'll be able to pick Wy up and have visitation, but he will never know what it is like to struggle everyday.

ITA with all this, especially the bolded part.