Stay at Home Moms

S/O Surrogacy

I've actually been meaning to ask. No, really.

I'm heading to bed now, and this may be mostly seen by people tomorrow, but I'll ask anyway, for you party-all-night moms!

Would you be a surrogate? For a friend? For a stranger?

I don't know if it's just because I loved pregnancy so much or what, but I would absolutely be a surrogate for someone. I think it gets a little tricky though, and I feel a bit selfish for saying this, but if being a surrogate hurts my chances of having my own babies then it would give me pause. What I mean to say is, we want to try and have our LOs close together, and we'd like to have 4-5, maybe. So maybe I would want to wait until DH and I were done having children before being a surrogate for someone.

But then what if my best friend came to me and asked if I would carry her babies for her? I absolutely would, but I would have to think about the timing. What if I wanted to TTC my own in the near future? Is that horribly selfish of me?

And how does it work with the OB/midwife bills and medical bills in general? I think it's an easy thing to say you'll do it but it's a lot more complicated than you think. I think actually having been pregnant makes it a lot easier to know what you're getting into.

What do you think? What would you do? 

Re: S/O Surrogacy

  • Pregnancy is hard on me. I was on bed rest for a while with DS, this time my emotions are screwy and I feel like someone has hung a bowling ball from my ribcage, and I have a whole trimester left! I couldn't go through this for nine months for a baby I didn't get to take home. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I would have SUCH a hard time emotionally.

    That being said, if a family member or close friend asked, I would definitely consider it. That is a huge gift and being able to know and watch grow up a baby that I grew for someone I love would be amazing. It's one of those things where I can't know what I would do unless I was there. And I really don't think DH would be comfortable with me being a surrogate.

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  • The only person I'd do it for would be my little sister.  And I'd do it in a heartbeat.

    I'd imagine there's some sort of family law stuff you'd have to go through regarding medical bills, officially "making" the baby theirs, etc.

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  • I think, McAllie5, that you must be me from an alternate universe.

    I loved being pregnant so much, and I think that I would have no problem being a surrogate for someone that I know well. I think it would be a heck of a lot harder to do it for someone I don't know, and I don't think that I could do that. Mostly because I know that I would want to be able to watch the kid grow up. 

    I also agree that the timing would be a big consideration in terms of my own family plans.

    I don't think that I'm likely to ever be a surrogate, but it is something that I would consider if a good friend asked me. I think DH would totally freak out about the idea, but I would consider it. 


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  • I would only do it for my sister. She has some reproductive issues that might prevent her from being able to safely carry a child. She is a few years younger than me so I don't think this will become anything until later on but I would do it for her. Most likely not a stranger. 
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  • Probably not.  I am not a great pregnant person, at all- emotionally I have a very hard time.

    Plus, I'd only really consider doing it if it was someone close to me, but then I'm not sure that I would be able to emotionally disconnect from that'd be complicated. 

  • Nope, I'm waaay too neurotic.  I think it takes someone who is a bit calmer & more laid back.  The "pressure" to successful carry a baby to term and have a healthy pregnancy for someone else would kill me.  Plus I am a control freak & would have trouble surrendering that to the parents while I am the one pregnant.  And I'm too selfish & self absorbed.
  • I wanted to be a surrogate.  I even started the application process but DH was really against it for health reasons.  He didn't want me to take the risk that the fertility drugs might have.

    I don't particularly like being pregnant but I have a relatively easy time with it.  I just felt like giving something back.  I've peed on a stick twice in my life.  And both times, my first thought was Son of a.... because I wasn't trying to get pregnant.  I don't feel guilty or anything, I just feel like its been easy for me.  So why not help someone else?  

    After DH shot down the surrogacy, we talked about being an an egg donor but he wasn't comfortable with that either.  Sigh.  Shooting down all my plans!  :)  

    I'm not an emotional person.  Bonding with a baby during pregnancy feels very superficial to me, so I think I would have an easier time than most with giving it up.  I don't even like babies, so that helps :)  And with donating eggs....I don't feel any ownership over my dna.  Sperm and eggs do not make parents.  I would be happy to give my eggs to another couple.  I'd be interested to see pictures of the child as they grew up, but I wouldn't feel like it was my long-long child or anything.  

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  • Probably not.
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  • imagesusanmosley:
     The "pressure" to successful carry a baby to term and have a healthy pregnancy for someone else would kill me.  

    That's a good point.

    As another PP said, I'd want to be able to have a connection, or at least updates on the kid as they grew up. And of course, I'd have no right to that (and I don't think that I SHOULD, I just know I would have some emotional attachment). That's why doing it for a sister or a friend would be easier, maybe.  

    But then (this is really superficial) I'd be afraid of judgement - what if I had cravings for fast food or something? I'd feel so guilty eating crap food and not making their baby out of vegetables and healthy things. I realize this statement may sound ridiculous, but when I was pregnant I was always thinking "I'm making a person using these ingredients!" every time I ate anything. I know my body takes what the baby needs and leaves me with the crap leftovers, but still.

    As far as egg donation, I have no desire to do that. I know it would be way too weird for me knowing that my biological half-child (that makes it sound like some sort of unicorn in a fantasy novel) was out there somewhere.

    DH and I have talked about me being a surrogate, and I think he'd only be on board with it if it was for my sister or my best friend, who I pretty much consider to be a sister. What bothers him are the health risks to me. What bothers me is the fear of possible permanent damage to my ability to reproduce. 

  • I would  love to say I would do it, but I know I would be too emotionally attached to the baby growing inside of me to do it for a stranger. Now if it was for my sister or best friend I would consider it.
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  • I would do it in a heartbeat. I think it would have to be for someone that I know personally.

    SIL is battling IF, and I would do it hands down for her, and even made the offer. I would also do it for a friend, but a complete stranger, I am not sure.

    I do understand what you are saying about not wanting it to jepordize your chances of having more children of your own. I think, while I would still do it, I would have preferred to have my own children first. I think emotionally it would have been too hard on me if my first pregnancy was with someone elses baby.

    Even though we want one more baby, potentially. I would do it now if the situation presented itself.

    I am clueless about how the bills and all work though.

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  • I couldn't do it. I have fantastic PG - the type people hate - I don't gain much weight (24lbs was the most weight I gained), no m/s, I'm tying my shoelaces the day I deliver, etc.

    I just couldn't emotionally handle handing over a baby........ 

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  • DH and I have talked about me offering to be a surrogate for my sister if it comes to that.  My sister has a blood clotting issue that is making it difficult to carry a pregnancy.  If it comes to a point where they are looking into adoption (like they have given up on having their own children) I would offer but I am also nervous about what it would do to my own fertility.  We'll cross that bridge if/when we get there.
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  • I could never do it.  I personally don't see the necessity of it, though I can understand why people do, it just isn't something I feel strongly enough about to assist with.  Our good friends have a child who is biologically theirs and was carried by her sister.  I think her sister is awesome and amazing.  My friend is the only mom I have had a shower for who drank at the shower.  It was fun to go through their "pregnancy" with them.
  • In my situation, no - b/c my best friend (and sister, and the one person I would do it for) is done w/ having kids. If she needed a surrogate though? Absolutely.

    But for anyone else? No. But only b/c I get SO SICK during pregnancy, that it's miserable. In 100% complete honesty, I really wanted to be a surrogate. I even contacted agencies - but b/c I've had 2 m/c's, I wasn't a good candidate. 

    I got pregnant w/ this one a little while later, and it's made me realize just how sick i do get. I did w/ DD as well, but that was awhile ago that I don't think I "remembered". But now I do, and now I know that I just couldn't do it. 

    DD1 January, 2009
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  • No. Not because I wouldn't want to do that for someone, but pregnancy is tough for me. I wouldn't be a very good carrier!
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  • If you had asked me this before I was pregnant with this baby, I would have said absolutely.  I had even thought about doing it once we were done having kids of our own.  I loved being pregnant with ds, it was a super easy pregnancy.  This pregnancy, though I have no actual complications, has been hard on me with morning sickness/nausea that still lasts to this day, no energy what so ever, and just all around feeling icky.  So now my answer would be only if it were someone very close to me that came to me and asked me.
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  • I loved being P so much, that this has crossed my mind.  My H would NEVER go for it.

    We are having one more, and I would have to have ours first.  Also, I would probably be too old, considering I'll probably deliver our next one at the age of 37.

    Then, every pregnancy is different.  Just because my first one was so easy, doesn't mean every P will be fun and wonderful.

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  • No. Never.  But I would hire one to carry my second child for me. I spent about 34 weeks of my pregnancy puking my brains out, and do not want to do it again. 
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  • imagebananabelle:

    No. Never.  But I would hire one to carry my second child for me. I spent about 34 weeks of my pregnancy puking my brains out, and do not want to do it again. 

    I feel the same way. Pregnancy was not kind to me. I puked for the first 12 weeks, then I was on bed rest for much of the last 12 weeks. I had pre-eclampsia and gained 55 pounds of excess fluid. I want a second child, but I'm so scared to be pregnant again. I've even started considering adoption because pregnancy was so awful.

    Oh honey, I hear you.  I feel the exact same way.  I feel like everyone I know just "loved being pregnant" and I'm so jealous.  I wish I found it even tolerable.  But it was horrible! 

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