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Babies: 6 - 9 Months
lilbit923
member
Unimpressed Dad, truly.
lilbit923
member
My folks came over last night to pick up their portion of the girl's new pictures. Connor had already had his dinner, finished studying and went to bed early as part of his punishment. My folks chat for a bit then leave. Dad comes back in the house about 3 minutes later and asked if Connor was asleep. I said yes, he'd been in bed for nearly an hour now. Dad goes upstairs anyway. Then I hear Connor crying. Dad and Connor are best friends and I'm happy for their bond with each other but it's shiz like this that ticks me off. Connor is being punished, don't coddle him.
Dad says good bye and leaves. I wait till DH gets home and we go back upstairs and ask Connor what they talked about and why he was crying. He said he wanted to go stay with Granddad cuz it's fun over there (constantly asking for this, not gonna happen) and when Nana and Granddad pick him up from early dismissal Friday, Connor was told his punishment ends when they pick him up and it will continue when he comes home.
DH is furious. My parents undermine my authority with Connor all the time. I explain to them that he's my son, please respect my choices in raising him and if that can't be followed then he can't come over but they can come over to my house and see him all they want. Well, they see that as me being a biitch and tell me I'm too hard on him.
My folks were harder on me growing up and if I was grounded/in trouble when I went to my grandparent's house then my folks restrictions still stood.
I have difficulty confronting my Dad about what he's told Connor about refusing to follow my rules. I see this as being disrespectful towards my parents and this WILL be turned around that it's my fault. I see this as Connor learning how to manipulate me by whining to my folks.
DH and I don't want to retract the weekend visit since arrangements have been made. Clearly, I feel disrepected that they won't follow my rules when Connor is there, so DH suggested that Connor's punishment at home be extended a week when he gets home.
If your parents do what they want when it comes to your kids, how are you able to resolve this and still keep the peace?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Unimpressed Dad, truly.
Take this with a grain of salt because DS is my only kid and we clearly have not dealt with this yet. That said...
I would think again about retracting the visit. I don't think it's fair to extend the punishment because this issue is your dad's fault, not Connor's. You really can't expect an 8 year-old (I think you said he was 8) to said "Thanks for the offer Grandad, but I think mom would be mad if you didn't enforce my punishment. Please keep me grounded while I'm at your house". Obviously he's going to go along with what your dad said.
I get that arrangements have been made already, but I'd switch them to the following weekend when his punishment will be over. When you call your dad to tell him that you are moving the visit, also tell him that you need him to either support your parenting decisions and stop undermining you, or you need him to back off entirely. His choice, but the undermining stops now.
I agree with this. Your Dad can decide if he will forego the weekend visit or uphold the punishment. I don't think it's fair to punish Connor longer for something that your dad decides to do. If Connor does go to Grandpa's and Grandpa lets up on the punishment, then I'd tell your dad Connor isn't allowed any more weekend visits until he can respect your parenting wishes.
Connor is 10 and when I explained the situation to my folks and said his punishment was for a full week they agreed and were supportive of this. I do expect Connor to tell someone "My mom said I'm not allowed to do xyz. Can we do something else instead?" He is old enough to be able to distinguish between what he can/can't do. Yes, he will go along with what Dad says and that's what makes me so mad. It's like telling Connor, I know your mom said this but we'll just do it differently at my house.
I hate being put in situations like this.
I'm 28 and if someone told me I could eat only veggies and I was left in a room with a plate of broccoli and a plate of chocolate cake, I would eat the cake. Even though I was told I could only eat vegetables. He's 10 and should know better, yes, but his grandparents are still authority figures over him. If they say he can do something, he is going to think it is okay to do it, especially if his Grandpa really encourages him.
DH and I talked about this and let's say if Connor had to serve 20 hours of community service, it wouldn't matter if it was done in a day or a week but it would be completed. We feel that a full week (weekend included) is sufficient punishment for what Connor did. Now whether that time is done in the week or he takes time off for his weekend and it continues next week, it should still be respected. *SIGH* It's gonna be a long freaking day. I can't stand having to talk to my folks about this.
Yeah, but your kid comes first. I think it would make more impact if the punishment was consecutive and he didn't get a "break" from it. It's like grounding your teenager for a week but still letting them go out on Friday night. I'd just tell your dad if he wants Connor, the punishment stands for the weekend.
And if I remove his weekend visit because of this, I'll be the bitchy daughter instead of being respected as a mother. FML!
Well, it sounds like you have your mind made up. Let the kid go have fun with Grandpa then punish him for another week.
The bolded. Part of punishment should be missing out on fun things. By letting him go hang out with his super cool and fun grandparents, it's not really going to feel like a punishment.
That said, I also agree that it sounds like you've made up your mind to let him go already and that's not going to change.
Thank you ladies so much! I appreciate your insight especially when a situation like this has potential to backfire and cause drama in the family. I prefer the peaceful route when it's at all possible.
I talked to Mom and she wasn't aware Dad told Connor about 'no punishment' at their house. She said she will enforce my rule while he is there and asked what he is restricted from. I told her no fun stuff, no tv, no legos, no playing with his planes, no video games, no tv. She said "Well, what can he do?" That's easy. "Do you need floors swiffered, your room vacuumed, dishes washed, clothes folded, dog walked, your flower beds weeded? Helping Granddad with the yard work Saturday morning?" She stalled a response "Well, yes! We do need an extra set of hands to help around the house." Good, have him help you. Give him something to do. I think this is new to her since she does everything in her home and it's been awhile since she's had help. I told her it will be good for Connor to have responsibilities and be able to lend a hand when someone needs it.
And that's all I'm looking for. Trying to find a happy balance for both sides. I realize not every situation has that possibility but I'm trying.
A Frog, A Monkey and a Ladybug
My son's bio-dad has never met him (even though the ex lives 20 mins away) so I don't have him to deal with. But it feels just as bad when my folks do this to me.
I wouldn't let him go visit. Not only because you have him on restriction and they underminded that, but because visiting is a privelage. The only way I would consider not cancelling it is if LO lives far away from families and it takes a lot of arrangements for them to see them, and if it only happens once in a a great while.
That being said your his mom and it's going to be a matter of what you feel is appropriate. I would definately be talking to grandpa about backing you up though, that *** wouldn't fly between my dad and I.