BM bought SS a cell phone

res932

DH and I are against cell phones for kids unless there is a good reason for one. BM bought SS (who is 8) a TracFone for Christmas last year. We were against it and told him that he could not bring it to our house. Now BM has gone and signed SS for a Verizon contract. She insists that he needs to keep it with him all the time and sends it with him to school and then to our house. DH makes him keep it in his bookbag and allows SS to use it to call his mom at night. Now however, BM lets SS text with the phone and he is constantly fighting with us about being allowed to carry the phone around with him and text his friends. We don't like this because we don't know who he is texting and feel he is too young.

Unfortunately, I feel like DH is starting down his permissive slippery slope. Before he said absolutely not to the cell phone but he seems to be back sliding some. SS goes to BM's mother's house after school each day and I would like DH to at least ask that on the weekends we have SS that he leave the cell phone at his grandmothers on Friday afternoon and then he can have it again on Monday when he is back. Is this unreasonable? He is never without us on the weekends we have him and both DH and I have cell phones so there is no reason for him to have it. 

What do you ladies think?

mcltwin2

We are on the opposite side of this coin as all 3 of SO's kids (ages 13, 11 and 8) have cell phones, but I do feel like we are one of those special circumstances.  The kids have been put in some situations that are not always ideal (left at school, not been treated well, sick and not being cared for, etc) so we feel safer sending them off knowing that they all have a way to get in touch with SO if they need to.

Now that being said, ALL of their phones are very restricted with parental controls.  Texts are limited, no internet everything is monitored and only numbers that are pre-approved can call in or be called.  Their phones also have gps on them just in case.  In a normal situation with 2 healthy, caring parents I agree with you, but that's just not our case.

mrslucid

I think 8 years old is way too young to have a cell phone. I agree with making him leave it at his mom's or grand mom's since he already has one. My 10 year old SS is extremely irresponsible with electronics and is not allow to leave the house with them. He will not be getting a cell phone until he's much older.

J&A2008

I think you're fighting an unnecessary battle.  Your DH and BM should sort out the details, but I think you're both being a bit ridiculous.  No one is letting him talk or text after bedtime, or instead of doing homework, or using it to meet mysterious strangers in the park that he's finding through random dialing or something. 

First, his mom is paying for the phone. It's not like she's asking you to fork over money for it, right? 

Second, if you look around the schoolyard, many kids 8 and younger have phones.  Aside from being fun for the kid, they are practical for the parents.  Our kids have had a phone since kindergarten, and I dare any parent to say they shouldn't have it.

Which brings me to the third reason, BM wants him to have it!  This is probably the best reason of the bunch.  She's his mom, she gave it to him, and she wants him to have it.  I don't care if it's a teddy bear, paper bag, elephant or candy cane.  She bought it, it doesn't interfere with your lives in any way, and SS wants it.  Why the fight?  

SteveandKris

mrslucid:

I think 8 years old is way too young to have a cell phone. I agree with making him leave it at his mom's or grand mom's since he already has one. My 10 year old SS is extremely irresponsible with electronics and is not allow to leave the house with them. He will not be getting a cell phone until he's much older.

SS (8) was given a cell by his mother last year. It was not allowed on in our house, he is never without us. His mother no longer feels like paying for it (as it seems SS was using it to call DH more then bm would have liked) he no longer has a phone.

Cooking4two

I think it depends on all the family/step family members and types of friends a child has. If everyone is respectful of their place in the child's life, then a cell phone for emergencies only is ok.

However, this oftentimes is not the case. My grandkids, who live with their mother, are allowed use of a cell phone, which is shared by all and is the 10 yr old's responsibility to care for and use properly.

Their soon-to-be ex step-mom recently texted the 10 yr old at 10:30 at night, saying that she missed her, but her daddy was seeing another woman and telling lies, so it was daddy's fault that she wouldn't be seeing much of them anymore. She then said give your daddy a big kiss from me and tell him I love him. Thank goodness my daughter intercepted the text and saw it before my granddaughter did. She has also sent other rants from what I have been told. She is now blocked from making calls to the kids. What kind of monster-moron would text such things? A bsc for sure.

Then we have the misuse of the phone to call daddy and "tattle" on mommy when they get upset, telling lies or stretching the truth to play their parents against each other.

These kids are NEVER left alone and have absolutely no need for a cell. IMO, they are not mature enough nor do they need a cell. Too many kids are given adult toys before they are ready and grow to expect and demand adult privileges when they are still too young. If a child has to be alone on occasion, or walk to and from school without siblings, then a cell is probably appropriate for emergency use. Just because e1 else has them is not a reason to give in-if 6 yr old girls were wearing make up and short shorts, would you allow your daughter to dress the same way? As parents, you need to draw the line at what is and what is not allowed in your home. 

I do agree with op's though that since BM is paying for the phone, you have to respect her wishes. There is nothing that says you have to allow it in your home. When SS is in YOUR home, your rules apply to him. If you don't want him to have it when there, take it away and return it when he goes home. 

 

 

magsugar13

His mother is paying for it there is nothing you can do about it when he isn't with you, but when he is you need to set up rules and he needs to stick to them and  if his mother doesnt like it, oh well too bad.

There is no reason an 8 year old needs a phone, that is just crazy.

LIMom

Just wanted to give you a heads up that most Verizon phones have a tracking software in them. My DS 14 has it on his phone so if he is not where he is supposed to be I can find him. Not sure if you want BM knowing exactly where you are at all times if that is installed on the phone.

J&A2008

LIMom:

Just wanted to give you a heads up that most Verizon phones have a tracking software in them. My DS 14 has it on his phone so if he is not where he is supposed to be I can find him. Not sure if you want BM knowing exactly where you are at all times if that is installed on the phone.

That's actually the first reason we got them a phone.  Doesn't BM have a right to know exactly where her child is?

SteveandKris

J&A2008:

LIMom:

Just wanted to give you a heads up that most Verizon phones have a tracking software in them. My DS 14 has it on his phone so if he is not where he is supposed to be I can find him. Not sure if you want BM knowing exactly where you are at all times if that is installed on the phone.

That's actually the first reason we got them a phone.  Doesn't BM have a right to know exactly where her child is?

We NEVER know where SS is - BM has been fined NUMEROUS times for taking him out of state without telling DH.  We tell her when we go out of state and the address of the location where we are spending the night.  She does NOT need to know moment to moment where we are.  I might feel differently if she EVER develops common (legal) courtsey.

 

EDIT:  I don't mean to suggest that local movements are or should be reported back and forth (OR a quick day trip over the river - we can spit and hit NJ) - but our CO states that if we are anywhere but delaware or NJ OR spending the night somewhere else (like the mountains) BM/DH are required to notify the other parent...

LIMom

I think that when the child is in the other parents care that he/she shouldn't have the right to monitor their every move. Also I am not sure what court would order a parent to check in with birthmom everytime they go someplace locally. How would you feel if your ex knew where you and your child were every second?

Classicoyote

My SD got her first phone when she was 10 or 11.  I can't remember exactly.  It was just a phone - no texting, e-mail or internet with it.  When she was 12 he added texting to her newer phone.  By the second or third month, the bill came and her bill alone was over $400.  He found it cheaper to get unlimited texting.  Still, two months later the bill was just as high.  We found she was e-mail photos and such and that was extra.  After the constant fights with her about the phone bill, BM decided she would put her on her plan.  She has had issues too.

To me, texting is the worst thing anyone can add to a child's cell phone.  That thing is permanently attached to her.  We have arguments about it when she brings it to the dinner table.  She knows the rule that the cell phone isn't allowed at the table.  The other day she had it and it rang and she says "I'll just tell him I will call him back." She didn't wait for an answer, told him she would call back but then continued to talk while her dad and I told her to get off the phone. She did hang up and then said, it's no big deal, I had to answer it or that would be rude. DH reminded her that is was voice mail was for and she said that the kid would be mad. DH then reminded her of the rule as did I and she said I talk on the phone all of the time.  Mom lets me talk at dinner.  I went off and flat out told her "This is not mommy's house."  She didn't  speak to me the rest of the night.

Anyway, I agree with you that your SS is too young.  Also, I don't see a problem with you having your rules at your house.  Between the cell phone and Facebook (my SD has over 1400 friends and DH has talked repeatedly to BM about it and she ignores him every time) I am at my wits end.

In my opinion, the longer you can keep him away from all of the technology the better.

Let me know how things go.  Good luck.

SteveandKris

wendilea:

Set up rules and consequences for cell phone use in your home, and it shouldn't be an issue.  EVERYONE knows there is no cell phone use at our dinner table.  We were at DH's company Christmas party, and his coworker was texting someone.  DH gave him a look, and the kid (ok, he's 20) said "There's no texting at the table.  I forgot"  It cracked me up, but he remembered that from eating here.

Point being, if you set up clear rule/boundaries, and consequences for violating them, you should not have an issue.  IE - cell phone at the table.  Child takes the call.  You remove the cell phone for the rest of the night.  

We live in a rural area, and the cell phones have come in handy for us.  

I think this is so funny because my father is the same way with his junior engineers.

ballmom

We are dealing with this issue, but on the flip side of things. SD13 and SS12 are on our plan and we got them the phones since they are both in after school activities. SO also wanted them to have a way of getting in touch with us when BM would not let them call or answer the house phone when he called.

BM has now banned the phones from her house. They were not abusing them (I checked every day on their usage), but she hated that the skids had extra contact with SO. Her boyfriend's son was also whining it wasn't fair they had one and he didn't. I know it is the old saying "her house, her rules" but if rules were being set and they were not abusing them then there should not be an issue.

I do think 8 is too young for one, but I see so many kids that age with them now. Set clear rules for him on using it at your house. Say from x to x hours he can text, it gets turned off for meals and at bedtime. 

SteveandKris

ballmom:

We are dealing with this issue, but on the flip side of things. SD13 and SS12 are on our plan and we got them the phones since they are both in after school activities. SO also wanted them to have a way of getting in touch with us when BM would not let them call or answer the house phone when he called.

BM has now banned the phones from her house. They were not abusing them (I checked every day on their usage), but she hated that the skids had extra contact with SO. Her boyfriend's son was also whining it wasn't fair they had one and he didn't. I know it is the old saying "her house, her rules" but if rules were being set and they were not abusing them then there should not be an issue.

I do think 8 is too young for one, but I see so many kids that age with them now. Set clear rules for him on using it at your house. Say from x to x hours he can text, it gets turned off for meals and at bedtime. 

BM took away SS's phone for this reason (she was paying).  She also does not let him call when he asks (we have COed phone time twice a week) which is just bullshit.   

steph141

I guess I don't really see what the big deal is.  My SS got his first iPhone when he was 7.  At first I was royally P!SSED, and DH and I were constantly fighting SS about his texting/game playing.  Then we realized the tail was wagging the dog.  When he was at our house, the phone was put up on top of the fridge and turned off.  Then when he went back to his mom's, he took it back.  Pretty soon both BM and SS realized the futility of bringing it over.  When SS wanted to talk to his mom or vice versa, either DH or I would let SS use ours.  It became a non-issue after that.

karatechrissy

I don't think kids need to be texting their friends. Technology is making our kids unable to hold a normal conversation. Personally, if he must have a cell for 'emergencies' or to call the other parent then fine. I don't see a reason texts should be added though. That's just me personally. Plus it's BM plan so you can't do much. Idk, I think you might be asking for a fight if you ask it to be left. I would have him place it on a shelf or something while he is home w you. Then if he needs to call his mom and only then he can have it. My 8 yr old won't be walking around the house w a cell phone in their pockets.