I just printed off...(partial SO cheating update)

ashnoelle

...worksheet A for child support obligation (worksheet A= primary custody). SO would only have to pay 217 bucks a month. I have no idea how I could make ends meet...but I'm working on it.

We also just signed a lease so I have no idea how I would get out of it or what that  might look like.

It takes a village to raise a child, right? I need an effing village. 

 

Unknown

This content has been removed.

hterry85

Those worksheets are just a ball park estimate. Also, things like medical expenses and day care costs can be added on top of that (for him to pay all or a portion directly to the doctor/day care provider)

emiliemadison

Child support is typically based on income. That might seem really low, but how much does he make per month?

You should also talk to a social worker regarding your eligibility to qualify for assistance while you get on your feet. And even if he only pays $217/month, that might not include daycare costs.

I would call your landlord and ask if they are willing to work with you on breaking your lease. If not, then you're on the hook. Find out if they'll let you out if you find another qualified renter for them.

Are you working right now? If not, that's first priority. You can make this work.  Best of luck.

robinsokj

I must have missed anprevious update. Did you confront him?

ashnoelle

It is based off income and during winter (the off season for him) he'll only be making 1200-1300 a month. Legal aid is on my list of things to do.

I work, but only 32 hours. I need full time, and I've been applying for FT, but nothing has happened yet. 

My mom would likely agree to watch Sophia two days a week, but four is really asking a lot. She also lives 40 min away. I can pay someone to watch her the other two days, but there goes all of that estimated child support I'll need to pay other bills. 

I also plan on applying for every type of aid I can get. I know there are people who look down on that, but I need to get on my feet and I don't see any other way to do that. 

We haven't even had a proper conversation really. I keep saying it needs to happen, and it hasn't. I think it's just resonating with me that this may very well be the last straw. He says he "didn't betray" me, but I can't know that and that kills me. I already knew I had a hard time trusting him, but I had almost forgotten it while he had been a SAHD.

I also just don't want to live with his lack of motivation. I tell myself that maybe if he proves himself, maybe we could end up together. I know that is dangerous ground, though. 

I'm sad for the the good times we had and for the future I thought we'd have. Really sad. I'm also afraid of how mean/difficult he might get during this process. 

Stephanie2167

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I must have missed a different update. Linky?

ashnoelle

https://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/58320833.aspx

I think that's the link to my "SO cheating?" post.

BellaAmor215

Wait, so he was cheating on you? The original thread doesn't have an update, and I haven't seen one (unless I missed it) before this thread...

ashnoelle

umm... he says no. My mom says he was up to no good. I say I don't know but I don't trust him. There is no new info in that regard.

I was going to link an older post that was a general SO vent too, but I can't find it.

sigh.  

bride2be79

If he says no and you don't know, I would seek counseling before I sought out an attorney.  I am an attorney and believe me, no one benefits from the end of a relationship.  Both parties usually end up worse off financially, especially the woman in the relationship because she often gets custody of the child.  It is also really, really bad for the children.  I'm not saying no one should get divorced, but I have seen enough professionally (and personally, DH's parents are divorced) to know that it should be the absolute last resort. 

The whole point of marriage/committed relationship is to be together forever.  Bad stuff happens and it gets really, really hard sometimes, especially after kids are in the picture.  That doesn't mean you should just walk away, you made a commitment and you should try and make it work.  FWIW, DH and I went to therapy for a while because we got to the point where we could barely stand each other.  Mostly it was a result of stress and tension and uncommunicated feelings and we've worked through it.  It was hard but totally worth it. 

Frankly, I remember seeing a previous post of yours (before the cheating thing) and I get the sense that you just don't want to be in this relationship anymore.  That's fine but it's not going to make your life easier.  Why not try and fix the relationship first?  What is the downside to that?  As much as I hate to give your SO an excuse, men are really weird creatures.  If he feels like you don't trust him, love him or have faith in him it's very, very unlikely that he is going to be motivated to do anything.  Especially if the only "evidence" you have of him being unfaithful is your mom finding him fully-clothed playing video games with a co-worked.  From your other post it seems like you didn't believe your mom anyway.  Given your fractured relationship with her why would you believe her suspicions more that your LO's word?  It sort of seems like you are making excuses to justify getting out of the relationsip.  If not and you love him then you need to work on the relationship.  Do it for your child's sake if nothing else. 

ashnoelle

I'm really torn here.

I do want to do couple's therapy and I've wanted to for awhile. We really cannot afford it and my insurance doesn't cover it. We have hardly any money left after bills, so this isn't a set your priorities "we don't have the money" thing. Talking to each other only seems to get us so far. I feel like it takes me being on the verge of a breakdown to get him to respond and do something when needed. 

I know part of the problem for is financial stress, but there are other important things. At the same time I can't keep on like this until some day in the future when we will (hopefully) have more money. 

One of my biggest concerns is that he won't ever have the motivation to make himself better. I worry that I'll always have to carry us financially and in the home. It's too much.

I live thinking and feeling like I'm at the end of what I can handle almost every day. Things seem fine for a brief period and then there's another shock to the system. Like his getting fired from his last job, or this cheating suspicion.  He says he has grown up but I don't think he has.

 

bride2be79

ashnoelle:

I'm really torn here.

I do want to do couple's therapy and I've wanted to for awhile. We really cannot afford it and my insurance doesn't cover it. We have hardly any money left after bills, so this isn't a set your priorities "we don't have the money" thing. Talking to each other only seems to get us so far. I feel like it takes me being on the verge of a breakdown to get him to respond and do something when needed. 

I know part of the problem for is financial stress, but there are other important things. At the same time I can't keep on like this until some day in the future when we will (hopefully) have more money. 

One of my biggest concerns is that he won't ever have the motivation to make himself better. I worry that I'll always have to carry us financially and in the home. It's too much.

I live thinking and feeling like I'm at the end of what I can handle almost every day. Things seem fine for a brief period and then there's another shock to the system. Like his getting fired from his last job, or this cheating suspicion.  He says he has grown up but I don't think he has.

 

I understand the money issue but that will only get worse if you split up.  Have you told him all the things you just said? 

I know one technique that helped us is called speaker/listener.  Basically, get a card (index, piece of paper, playing card whatever).  Whoever is holding the card gets to talk (for the example say it's you).  The other person cannot interrupt.  Once you are done, youhand the card to the other person.  Before that hecan respond, he has to summarize what he just heard and ask the you if that is what you meant.  You get a chance to clarify but only briefly and then he gets the card and gets to respond.  You MUST be polite.  Take a lot of deep breaths. 

Also, it can be helpful if you have a pause button.  Literally get a bell or somethign and if one of you is feeling overwhelmed or like you are going to start yelling you get to ring the bell and both of you walk away for 10 minutes.  The deal is that you can call a break at any time but at the end of the break period you have to come back and talk about things again.  (Obviously there is some limit here, you can't talk for 12 hours straight).  Set aside a certain time every day where you will talk about how you feel and what is bothering you.  when that time is up, end the discussion but before you walk away each of you has to say something good about the other person (something your appreciate, love, etc).  You have to mean it and there can't be any qualifications.  Sounds cheesy but can really change the tone of your relationship. 

Another thign that was helpful for us was realizing (after our therapist explained it) that most of the time we are not going to "solve" a problem.  But, getting the other person to understand how you feel and empathize goes a long way toward diminishing the problem.  For example, my DH's crazy family is never going to not be crazy.  But his acknowledging to me that he understands that they are sometimes crazy and how it makes me feel has done wonders for our relationship. 

It sounds to me like you two really need to talk.  Honestly, he probably feels like crap about his job situation and feels terrible about himself.  It shouldn't be an excuse to act like a butt head but that is how guys work.  It's infuriating I know, but sometimes they just need some hand holding. 

You may also want to contact some therapists and ask if they would be willing to work with you on a payment plan or something.  Also, see if any charities in your area offer it for free or at a reduced rate.  I don't know what you and your SO do for a living but you might even offer to barter services (i.e. you are in IT so you fix their ancient network and in exchange they give you free counseling).  Good luck.