Mom & Dad with different last names

AlleyCatNH

Just curious if anyone out there has input on this subject...

 DH and I have different last names. Now that we are talking about babies and baby names, we finally have to answer the question of what we will do for a last name. DH really wants to hyphenate, but I feel like that saddles the kid with a really long name (although our names sound really good together). I have my mother's last name as my middle name, but I never go by it in any way.

What have other people done/seen done in this situation? Is anyone else in the same boat?

HannahO28

I think the options are pretty much:

Hyphenate

Use one as the MN and one as the LN

choose one over the other

change your LN to your husband's and give the baby that name (or have him take yours)

I've seen all four done when someone has a baby. I think hyphenated LNs are common enough and as long as it's not like, eight syllables, that usually a really good choice.  

lisa5201

My parents were never married (but were in a long committed relationship). My mom gave us her last name with my dad's consent. I liked having the same last name as my mom, but people would often call my dad Mr. momslastname. It didn't bother him, but I can see how it might be an issue for some men. My mom was the one who was most involved in our sports and school stuff, so us having the same last name was important to me growing up.

That said, I think hyphenating is probably the way to go. I have a girlfreind who has a really long hyphenated last name and we always called her Anna C-W instead of spelling or saying her full name. As long as you don't give DC a ridiculously long first name, your kid will be fine with a long last name

MrsWindyCity

I'm not sure how long the hyphenated name would be, but as someone with a hyphenated name, I really hate it. I hyphenated because my LN was very important to me (and very ethnic), but wanted our future kids to have part of my LN (which is why I added DH's). I wish I would have just kept my maiden name, tbh. It's been a huge pain (that said, mine is long). DS has DH's LN.

I grew up with a mom who had a different last name than me, and it was really not a big deal at all. I think if  you were to choose one name over the other, it's not like your child will identify any less with that particular parent.

Have you thought of a whole new last name altogether? I'm sure this is probably not an option for you, as you liked your name enough to keep it, but I know 2 couples who got completely new LNs when they got married, so their LOs has that LN. 

AlleyCatNH

MrsWindyCity:

I'm not sure how long the hyphenated name would be, but as someone with a hyphenated name, I really hate it. I hyphenated because my LN was very important to me (and very ethnic), but wanted our future kids to have part of my LN (which is why I added DH's). I wish I would have just kept my maiden name, tbh. It's been a huge pain (that said, mine is long). DS has DH's LN.

I grew up with a mom who had a different last name than me, and it was really not a big deal at all. I think if  you were to choose one name over the other, it's not like your child will identify any less with that particular parent.

Have you thought of a whole new last name altogether? I'm sure this is probably not an option for you, as you liked your name enough to keep it, but I know 2 couples who got completely new LNs when they got married, so their LOs has that LN. 

 

Thank you for the insight into hyphenated names... my biggest worry is that computer systems won't pick up on the hyphen, tbh. DH and I considered a new name but it seemed strange since having different last names was totally ok with us. But when it comes to a child, it does seem odd to not have your name in there somehow!

tusshie2004

HannahO28:

I think the options are pretty much:

Hyphenate

Use one as the MN and one as the LN

choose one over the other

change your LN to your husband's and give the baby that name (or have him take yours)

I've seen all four done when someone has a baby. I think hyphenated LNs are common enough and as long as it's not like, eight syllables, that usually a really good choice.  

This.

DH and I were not married when we had DS, but we both knew that we were going to get married and we were in the process of planning a wedding. So, we gave DS DH's last name and when we got married I changed my last name to DH's. 

AlleyCatNH

baconface:

Wow, this post totally creeped me out. I was JUST 5 minutes ago walking my dog and thinking, "Maybe I'll post on the Bump and see what other people have done."

I did not take DH's last name when we married. The only reason that I could come up with FOR changing my name was making the kid-naming issue easier, but I still didn't want to change it then since we weren't having kids right away. I just figured I'd deal with it later.

Three years later and on the verge of TTC, my attitude is still, "why should I change my name?" So anyway, for me, it's just a name, and that is what I want to convey to my children.  When children are born, you name them. Period. That involves first, middle (if you want), and last.  

We will use DH's last name as the kids' last names - my reasoning is that if there is going to be a question of whether either of us is the "real" (not step) parent, it will be slightly more obvious that I am the mother. DH gets the name.

We *might* use my LN as a second middle name, but haven't decided on that yet. 

ETA: The reason we wouldn't hyphenate: People can never spell my last name, or pronounce DH's last name. Not a good combo. Also, our children will face the same issue when they marry/have kids. Won't a hyphenated last name make it that much harder? I don't have a hyphenated last name, so I don't know,  but I am just guessing.

Also, my attitude about not changing my name when I married wasn't a "statement". It was more that it doesn't matter. Why did people (my family) make a big stink about me not changing my name? I have no idea. I didn't make a big stink about it, that's for sure. It's just a name. I take the same attitude about my kids' last name. 

 

Yes, I totally agree with this. All of it. It seems like a one generation answer to an issue.

kerribear1717

I know to each their own but I don't think I've ever met someone who had their mom's last name, unless the mom was basically a since parent since they were born.  If their parents were not married they always had the dad's last name.

BFab11

Like PPs have said, you can give kids DH's LN and just have a different one, change yours to match, hyphenate, give them yours, or make up a whole new name.

I know of a couple here in town who have different last names and neither was particularly attached, and they made up a last name for each kid (they have several).  Nobody in their family has a last name that matches any other family member's. 

sweetpealee

I did not take DH last name; we are using my LN as a second middle name.

ta78

DS and I don't have the same last name. I do plan on changing mine though, I just still haven't gotten around to it. I don't care for DH's last name, but it's already been annoying explaining to people at the dr or hospital or wherever that we have different last names. Most assume I am a single mother.

Our nephew has his mom's last name as his middle name. She has said a couple times that she wishes they had the same last name, but she doesn't want to change her name w. her profession.

My friend and her kids have hyphenated last names,  I think it's long and kind of unnecessary. But it does work if you want to go that route.

hero

Dh and I have different last names. My dad has AD, and as an only child, I didn't want to drop part of my family identity. Ds has my last name as a middle name and dh's last name is his last name.

SassyRedhead

I think what would sway me one name over another is which family name needs to live on.  There are no other boys in my husband's family (his sister had two girls) so my son will be the one to keep the name going.

brookelynpaisley

I only know of one family with this situation. The kids have Dad's last name.

You could use your last name as a second middle name, like Evan Jacob Smith Jones.

Have you considered both of you having a double name? There's a girl on TK who did something cool. She was Anne Marie Martin (not really, obviously), her husband was Joseph William Taylor. When they married, she became Anne Marie Martin Taylor and he is Joseph William Martin Taylor (middle names italicized). Socially, they're the Martin Taylors. I realize that would mean changing your name, but it could be a reasonable compromise for the whole family.

RoninSirPuppyPup

Unless you both have very, very short last names that sound good together I would NOT recommend hyphenating. Even then, I wouldn't recommend it actually. 

I think either, one of you needs to change you LN. Or you need to pick a last name for the kids.

You could also do something like, girls have your LN boys have his.

I justreally don't like hyphenated names.  

queenbone

Among my friends, those who are married, the children have the father's ln.  Those who aren't married give the children the mother's ln, even if they are still with the father.

I never really thought about that before, but somehow marriage is the dividing line for my friends/family.

JMU_Bride09

i think that the hyphenated name is too much for the children, especially if both names are long.  i would just go with your husbands last name for your baby.

EastCoastBride

I have a friend who actually chose to hyphenate her name in high school (long story). She ended up hating it and couldn't wait to get married so that she could change it.

glitterface

I didn't change my LN when I got married. MH and I decided that our children will have his LN.

My LN is actually a common (and pretty) girls name just spelled a little different. If we have a girl her MN will be my LN. I wouldn't do that to a boy though.

Do whatever works for you and your husband.

rubyjem00

This is my situation as I didn't take DH's last name and he didn't take mine. We have talked a lot about the situation and we both feel very strongly about passing on our own last names (I am the last in line as is DH, although his name is very common).

We haven't told anyone in real life what we are doing because we don't want unsolicited opinions and I have a feeling that people on here will strongly disagree with our choice but I guess that is just the way it will be .

This LO will have my last name as a second middle name and  then will have my DH's last name. The next child will have my husband's last name as a second middle name and then my last name. While others may disagree, this works best for us and we are happy with our decision.

lulling

My husband and I have different last names.  Our baby will be Firstname Middlename Husband'slastname.  The middle name will not be my last name.  That would just sound silly.

I don't want to hyphenate.  It is just too much to saddle a kid with. Plus my husband's last name is awesome and mine is boring.

KentuckyKate

I know one family in which the mother's LN was Stone, the father's LN was Banks, and the kids' LN was Stonebanks, no hyphen.  I always thought that was cool, but of course, not all LNs would flow that well in a mashup.  The other family I know in which the mom didn't change her name just gave the kids the dad's LN.

bread&jam

My husband and I were not married when my first daughter was born. At the time I was hoping to eventually marry her father, but didn't know for sure. I ended up giving her his last name and used my (now maiden) name as her middle name. Now that we're married my daughter and I share the same middle name as I took my maiden name as my middle! I'm happy with how it worked out.

brooklynesque

I didn't take my DH's last name, but our kid(s) will have his last name.  He's the only son in his family and has an unusual last name.  I, on the other hand, have a brother who already has a son (and a more common last name).  Also, I think the in-laws would be sad if we didn't pass on their last name, given its uniqueness.  (The in -laws are also of a slightly older, more traditional generation than my parents.)  The in-laws' POV isn't determinative for me, but is certainly a consideration.

Rose.9.6.03

I didn't take my husband's last name.  We went with my last name as a second middle name for the girls.  I didn't want it to be the only middle name because it sounds like a boy's name.  So my girls are

Firstname Middlename Mylastname Hislastname

Thankfully, both DH and I have short last names.  I rarely even use their second middle name in writing documents and such - but I still like to know it's part of their legal name.  I feel like there's at least some connection to me in their names that way.   

LuluP82

I took H's last name as an addition to my name (so I now have 4 names). My MN is my mom's maiden name, so technically I now have 3 last names. I get comments at the airport (I had one idiot TSA agent ask me how many times I'd been married?!), but it's not like I insist on being called the whole name socially or anything, so it's not an issue

Professionally, I go by first name maiden name husband's name, just because I was known in the field before as first name maiden name.

Now, it's part of my culture to give a child the mother's maiden name as a middle name, and H's family has a STRONG family tradition of giving a family name as a middle name. So our compromise for names is all kids will have 2 middle names. They can pick which middle name to use more frequently.

I had a friend who hyphenated her name and so did her H when they married. For their first child, they hyphenated. It was so annoying, that they didn't hyphenate their second child, did a 2nd mn like I'm planning on doing...and my friend says now it's more confusing than ever, and they're all considering just un-hyphenating and having a 2nd middle name. I hate hyphens, so I won't do them at all.

SeaSoul

DS has DH's last name as his last name and mine as his middle name.  This one will have DH's last name and a different MN (but a family name from my side).  We felt the same way about hyphenating. 

LifeAtMyOwnPace

I'm in this situation. I didn't change my last name ... I was 29 when I got married, and I felt like the only compelling reason for changing it was "that's how it's always been done." Not really a good enough reason for me.

I thought I'd be OK with our kids having my husband's last name, but I am realizing that I'm not. A lot of the reasons are personal - I feel close to my family, but not to my husband's. Also, he has a large extended family that shares his last name, whereas I do not. 

We haven't come to a decision, but the last time we spoke about it, we were leaning toward using my last name. I realize that puts our family in the minority, but it works for us. Families don't all have to look the same or follow the same conventions. A name doesn't make a family, after all.

SeaSoul

Joy2611:

Socially with my children's friends, his teachers, etc. I'm sure they will call me Mrs. HisLastName and I have no problems with that.  If they know me well, they will know I don't legally have that last name, but I'll answer to whatever.  With cell phones, too, I'll be called directly instead of work so there won't be any "Oh, but a Mrs. HisLastName doesn't work here."  I only say all this because I some people say it's confusing in school. 

I'm in the same situation, and feel the same way.

unverfkm

We have some good friends where the wife kept her last name because she is a dentist and didn't want to change her practice. They gave their sons the father's LN.  Now she is thinking about changing her last name because whenever she goes to pick her child up somewhere they don't think she's the mother.

MrsWindyCity

AlleyCatNH:

MrsWindyCity:

I'm not sure how long the hyphenated name would be, but as someone with a hyphenated name, I really hate it. I hyphenated because my LN was very important to me (and very ethnic), but wanted our future kids to have part of my LN (which is why I added DH's). I wish I would have just kept my maiden name, tbh. It's been a huge pain (that said, mine is long). DS has DH's LN.

I grew up with a mom who had a different last name than me, and it was really not a big deal at all. I think if  you were to choose one name over the other, it's not like your child will identify any less with that particular parent.

Have you thought of a whole new last name altogether? I'm sure this is probably not an option for you, as you liked your name enough to keep it, but I know 2 couples who got completely new LNs when they got married, so their LOs has that LN. 

 

Thank you for the insight into hyphenated names... my biggest worry is that computer systems won't pick up on the hyphen, tbh. DH and I considered a new name but it seemed strange since having different last names was totally ok with us. But when it comes to a child, it does seem odd to not have your name in there somehow!

This definitely happens to me, a lot. It's a huge pain and I have to end up calling people a lot because the name I enter on some website is not the same as what is on the credit card I'm trying to use (if the website won't let me add a hyphen). Also, my whole name doesn't fit on airline tickets, student loans, etc.  

n&bcarlson

I would avoid hyphenating.  I lived in an area where more than half the kids had hyphenated names and it was a little absurd how complicated some of them were.  I used to love choosing the most difficult to pronounce and imagining the nightmare if they married and decided to hyphenate their own children's names.  A one generation fix, indeed.  I did take my husband's name, so it's not an issue for us, but personally I feel like giving the last name is that special thing a dad gets to do to show everyone that a child is his.  As a woman, I get to carry and give birth to my baby.  There's no doubt it's mine, regardless of my name.  But a dad doesn't get to do that, so they give the name.  Plus I know that if I take my daughter to school and don't have the same last name, they'll assume I didn't change mine, or maybe that I'm divorced.  If my husband takes DD to school and doesn't have the same last name, the first thought is that he's a stepfather or my boyfriend and not her "real" father.  So I personally wouldn't want to go with any option that puts DH always in the situation of having his fatherhood questioned.

MarxieVonTrapp

I work at a school and the different surname issue isn't a big one.  In our directory, we have an index that lists everyone who has a different surname from their parent. 

I wouldn't hyphenate, though.  I find it difficult and a bit cumbersome for the child.

I know a couple who created a new last name from both of theirs.  She was Howley, he was Loeser and they became the Loesleys. 

dandywarhol

rubyjem00:

This is my situation as I didn't take DH's last name and he didn't take mine. We have talked a lot about the situation and we both feel very strongly about passing on our own last names.

This, but both DH and I are last in line but DH has a plethora of male cousins so his family name will live on.  My side of the family doesn't have that option.

DH and I discussed hyphenating but we both have obscure French last names so I wouldn't want to burden a child with such a name.

We discussed this a lot and we came to a compromise that LO will have DH's last name for a middle name and my last name for a last name.  

 

 

mrs.amandamm

Legally the kids have my last name, and DH has his last name.  Socially, we all use mine.

Zaphina

my husband grew up having a hyphenated last name and he hated it. his name never fit onto paperwork for school or, later on, work. when we got married he changed his name, dropping the first half of his last name that was his mother's and keeping his father's (he chose his father's because he is not close to his mother's damily at all).

if you really want to hyphenate and the kid ends up not liking it as they get older, they can always change it. people who have hyphenated names either like them or don't, so it's really a personal choice

cheetah*run

sweetpealee:

I did not take DH last name; we are using my LN as a second middle name.

 

I did the same.

KatieLG04

I have 2 last names (not hyphenated) and DS just has DH's last name.  DS has 2 middle names so 2 last names would have been overkill.

cowgirltu

When I got married, I was 28 and didnt want to completly give up my last name, and def didnt want to hyphenate.  I took my maiden name as a second middle name, and took DH's name for my last name.