What's the right way to handle DD's hurtful comments?

KathrynMD

DD's new thing:

You're not a good Mommy

I don't like you Daddy/Mommy

You make me sad Mommy/Daddy, etc.

Sometimes they are appropriate to the moment, strapping DD into her seat while she's fighting me about it or she doesnt' like the underwear, etc. Sometimes, its just random, in passing - I don't love you Daddy.

I don't want to have a dramatic response to these comments b/c I think that will encourage it, but I also don't want to blow it off - b/c they are blatantly mean on purpose.

brightning

For the first two comments, I'd say something like, "We only use kind words to people we love." For the last one, I'd say, "I know you don't like being strapped in your carseat and that makes you sad, but I do it to keep you safe."

LDQAM516

For me...and everyone is different...I would tell her every time she talks like that she will have a toy taken away...Because honestly....I'm not sure she would (at least mine) would understand what I meant if I told them what they were saying was hurtful...and if you can get her to say sorry...she can have her toy back. That is kind of a hard situation to be in...hopefully it's just a phase!

shouldbworkin

I don't let it get to me and I definitely don't show them that it gets to me!  I think a little humor and guidance go a long way here.  When DD says I'm mean, I sometimes agree with her and then tell her she needs to trade me in for a nicer mom.  She's yet to take me up on it.  ;-)  I also just let them know simply that it's not a nice thing to say and if they don't like what I said/did they can tell me so, but they can't tell me they don't love me, etc.  Personally, I think telling you that you made her sad is really good.  Even if you were doing the right thing, she's allowed to tell you it makes her sad.  You can remind her that it's your job to keep her safe or teach her right from wrong whether it makes her sad or not.  But, to me, that is a completely appropriate thing to say.  I'd work on expressing the "you're not good/I don't like you" in a better way though.  She's really trying to say "I don't like it when you do ABC" which to me is fine.  She doesn't have to like it and it doesn't mean you have to stop doing what you're supposed to do. 

 

howleyshell

I try hard to ignore it like I didn't even hear it.  He's doing it specifically to me.   He doesn't act like that to any one else.  I'm an adult, I can handle it.

No need to point out the obvious (it's not nice) because it gives him the attention that he's seeking and would encourage the behavior with my youngest.  He's an attention seeker and will take it any way he can get it so I try to only reward his positive behaviors or I'm gonna get a lot more of the negative ones. 

Sometimes when he's super upset and bawling his eyes out and I tell him I love him (attempting to help him calm down) he'll say:  "I don't love you anymore Mommy." and I'll reply:  "That's OK sweetie.  I love you enough for both of us."

But for the most part I ignore.

Now if I EVER hear him lay something like that on someone else?  God help him. 

Pesky

brightning:

For the first two comments, I'd say something like, "We only use kind words to people we love." For the last one, I'd say, "I know you don't like being strapped in your carseat and that makes you sad, but I do it to keep you safe."

Ditto this.  I wouldn't let those first two slide.  That's akin to "I hate you" to me -- broad sweeping statements said in the heat of the moment and not reflecting true feelings, just trying to be hurtful.  I think for those first two is "I know you are [angry/upset/sad] right now but we do NOT say things like that to people we love.  Instead tell me how you are feeling rather than trying to make someone else feel bad, like Mommy, I feel angry with you right now."  That way you are giving her an alternative and likely she will take it after a few times.  The last one is fine and I agree with pp about just deflecting it or at most "I'm sorry to hear you feel sad right now.  I hope you feel better soon."

shopgirl78

I usually say that's not nice.  Or I understand you mad and then give a reasoning for why...sometimes I do humor too....sometimes well that's okay because I love you anyway.  

My son usually says "I am going to kick you out of the house."   Thanks to friend of a friend!!  I usually remind him its not nice but sometimes will retort in a laughing manner, this is my house and if anyone going to get kicked out its you : ) Then give him a hug and a kiss.  I generally do the later if he his having a bad day and isnt just being mean or is just looking to play.

He also likes to say "I am going to shoot you in the head."   I usually stop that one right away and say that is not nice, and you will not ever shoot anyone in the head because people who shoot other people in the head wind up in jail.   No fun! 

GinandTonic

DD will tell anyone who makes her mad that "You not my best friend anymore".

 We ignore it - even her brother has her figured out. 

They don't mean it - and getting a reaction is what they're looking for.

Mrs Manners

I say, "Those are mean words. We don't say mean words because they make mommy/daddy/our friends sad". Other than that, I don't make a big deal out of it. He's in a phase now where he's experiementing with different words and trying to find out what's appropriate. Like he said "fat belly" or "skinny belly" the other day before/after eating. I told him, those are mean words, we say "full belly" or "empty belly". He still asks me frequently, "Mom, we don't say boobies do we? That's private" or "Mom, we don't say stupid do we?".

FriskyPanda

When I'm irritated, I usually respond with "Well too bad, because i love you and you're stuck with me." It's a variation of what DH and I say to each other when we fight.

franciscaz

When Harmon starts this I nip it right in the bud.  Harmon we love you and try our hardest.  If you want to say mean things than you need to sit in the thinking chair.

If he is expressing his feelings I ask why.  If he says it is b/c I need him to do something/not do something (like I want him to come inside) I validate his feelings (I understand why that makes you sad) but than tell him he still needs to do it (but it is dark and you need to get ready for bed).  Validating his feelings helps and it doesn't mean I let him out of what I need him to do.