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Single Parents
sweetwalks
member
From a SP perspective...
sweetwalks
member
I'm not currently a SP but my SS's BM is. If you were receiving child support and shared custody of your child, would you insist, well demand, that BF also help with diapers and clothes?
ETA: I have a LO, but his father is not in the picture at all of his own choice. When he was, I didn't ask for child support or help. LO is my child, and therefore my responsibility to raise. I didn't see the point in forcing someone to pay child support and for the next 18 years have a connection to myself and my LO if they didn't want to. So, it's not like I don't understand raising a child, I do.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: From a SP perspective...
Why on earth would you not want your child's father to be held responsible for paying child support? Yes, he's your child, but he also helped bring that child into this world and should be held accountable for his end of the responsibility. It's his own fault he's choosing to not be invovled in the child's life. CS wouldn't automatically make him "have a connection" to the two of you.
To answer your question, no, I wouldn't ask my XH to help with diapers and clothes in addition to paying CS. That's what CS is for -- I use it to help offset the cost of daycare, and I pay for everything else for DS on my own. I wouldn't expect him to help contribute on top of CS.
OHHHHHH boy you're opening up a can of worms.
So basically what I'm reading from this is because you made the CHOICE to not file for CS. It's a legal obligation on the part of the father that YOU decided not to ask for. Why? If you already had enough to get by you certainly could have used CS for LO's college fund. CS isn't for you it's for the child (that's why it's called child support and not alimony). IMO this was a selfish decision on your part. Sounds like it made you feel like you didn't have to be "tied" to your X therefore that's how you rationalized it.
As far as your first question, CS should take care of buying diapers and clothes So what if BM "demands" these things? If your H is paying CS each month then he's fulfilling his obligation.
But I have to say, I don't like the direction that you are coming from with this. Just because you decided not to get CS doesn't mean that your H isn't obligated to pay.
I'm not reading any other responses before I respond----
1.) I don't think you are giving us the full story.
2.) Are you talking about clothes at BM's house or at BF's house?
3.) See question above but replace 'clothes' with 'diapers'.
And I have to comment on this because I missed it in my original response. Is LO not also HIS child? Did you lay down, spread your legs for yourself, and get pregnant completely on your own? That's right I didn't think so.
I wonder if you had an X that made some random threat that he would be involved in LO's life if he had to pay CS, and you LISTENED to him. Just a hunch. Too bad he was just calling your bluff and trying to get out of paying CS. Looks like his plan worked.
I'll respond to the first part when I respond to your other post.
It's definitely not that my H isn't obligated to pay, I fully agree that he is obligated to pay. That has never and will never be up for debate.
Up until a month ago they had 50/50 custody, and even then we sent clothes because he came to us in shoes too small and clothes too big.
What part are you missing that doesn't make sense?
Clothes at BM's house, which still fit him from last year FWIW.
Diapers at daycare, which amount to 1 box a month.
Then document this. That's really all you can do.
Yes LO is also his child, and no I didn't spread my legs for myself and get pregnant completely on my own. My pregnancy came at the end of an extremely abusive relationship with a man who does not deserve to be around my child because of the things that I saw done to his own child. I had NO IDEA I was pregnant when I ended the relationship. The CS issues stems from the man who signed his BC but is not actually his BF, someone who wanted to be in our lives but less than a month after LO was born, decided growing up wasn't for him and he wasn't ready for a family. So NO, I am not going to force CS upon someone who isn't his BF and who doesn't want him in his family.
It probably doesn't make sense, and I'm sure I will be attacked even further after posting this. It's been hard enough to deal with for the time I have, and I don't feel like I should HAVE to explain it all to strangers. You, achase, should understand.
And also achase, this isn't a man who would just threaten, I'm not stupid enough to believe that CS=visitation. However, I watched this same man drag a woman through court over and over again, make her life miserable (she ended up giving him custody, which would look good for him) while he was fighting for custody.
I refused to be thrown back into the emotional whirlwind of dealing with that man, for CS. NOT going to happen. It would not be worth the emotional stress on myself, my marriage, my family or my child.
The man on the birth certificate is NOT his biological father?
You were pregnant by biological father, and then during pregnancy you were dating someone else who felt compelled to sign the birth certificate?
I am sort of confused by the explanation of who the BF is but whatever. Many women on this board have been abused, so that doesn't make you or I the exception, more like the rule.
In your original post, you didn't explain any of the reasons why (not that I think you shouldn't have filed for CS because of being abused but that's your perogative) you didn't want CS. You came off as if you were comparing your situation to that of your H and his XW, when they are not at all the same.
Her demanding extras on top of CS and you deciding not to file for CS for your own reasons are two completely different issues, but you lumped them together. You came off sounding like a bitter stepmother. You also insinuated that you were "above" receiving CS, or at least that was the way that I took it.
Yes, the man on the BC is not the biological father.
Dating, no. At the end of the relationship before I even knew I was pregnant, I went to his house for a party (we had mutual friends), we ended up hanging out a few times after that and began a good friendship. He knew who I was in a relationship with prior and after I found out I was pregnant, he came to me, told me it wasn't healthy for me or LO to be around X, and wanted to be in OUR lives. I asked him to take it slow, repeatedly told him not to sign the BC if he didn't want to. He lived 2 hours from the hospital where LO was born and of his own will rushed to the hospital to sign the BC. He knew all along that LO wasn't his, but wanted to do what's right. I was young, he was young, I had no choice but to grow up, he wasn't ready. I don't begrudge him for walking away. My LO has a great father figure in his life now (don't worry he will never be told that DH is his father), and I truly believe it's all worked out for the best.
Am I wrong for what I did?
Your husband (I'm assuming) is legally responsible for child support--- and whatever else is identified in a CO/custody plan/parenting agreement.
Refer back to that. That is your best solution here.
And, no, it was not clear for where the clothes and diapers were for.
Why do you no longer have 50/50?
My H and BM were not married, and I'm sorry it seemed like I was comparing the situations, I wasn't. I actually put that in there so as NOT to sound like a bitter stepmom because I'm not at all. I guess that did exactly the opposite of what I intended it too.
Yes they are two completely separate issues, I agree. And I don't feel that I'm "above" receiving CS, not at all. I just knew what filing for CS would entail and it wasn't worth it to me. I don't think that BM shouldn't get CS, she most definitely should. We only have SS EOW, and I agree that now that it's not 50/50 DH should help her out through CS, it's the way she was going about it that I don't agree with.
J2 11.17.08
Wrong for walking away from an abusive relationship? Heck no!
I completely agree that she should get CS, DH is paying what he is legally responsible for paying.
We don't have 50/50 any longer because BM went to a lawyer saying DH abused SS, neglected him, threatened to take him out of state (none of which she is able to prove). DH is unemployed and we really could not afford a lawyer. BM's lawyer offered to drop the ex parte and give DH EOW until they could go to mediation. DH obviously agreed and that is just how it stayed, because now it is hard on SS to go back and forth changing schedules so often.
Well, when the BC had to be signed I hadn't slept or eaten in 36 hours and had just passed out in the bathroom floor after getting a shower. He came to the hospital, told me he was signing it, and as he was leaving for the night, I told him not to sign the BC, we could always do it another way later. He left, the next day LO and I were going home, I got my copy and sure enough he signed it.
I have already been to h*** and back with DSS about it, and I refuse to contact the abusive man, and they have taken away every benefit LO and I were receiving. I make ends meet because I do what I have to, in order to do what is best for LO.
It's a really complicated situation and brings me to tears every time it gets brought up, and especially the time my MIL told me I was wrong, that he DESERVED to know, and I NEEDED to tell him.
That just doesn't seem right that they would not allow him to have him 50/50, but allhow him to have EOW if he is supposedly abusing him.......... Something is off here.
How old are all these children?
DH went to legal aid and they told him based on the information in the papers from her lawyer after they reviewed it he did not qualify.
You are EXACTLY right. Something is off there. I told DH that from the beginning. If they suspected neglect or abuse they would not allow him to have EOW. SS is 3. SS's BM claims that she did not know her lawyer put those things in the paper about neglect and leaving the state. Is that possible?
Actually in a way I do.
My ex pays child support, but I expect him to provide diapers when he has Jake. I don't pack them with him.
I don't expect him to help with diapers or anything at my place though.
That is completely understandable. We provide clothes and diapers and any and everything else SS may need at our house.
This is the craziest thing I've heard. There's no requirement that two people sign a birth certificate. I had a long horrible labor, and my name is the only name on it. It's not like you couldn't have gotten a new form so that some random man's name wasn't on the birth certificate. This is just crazy.
No, there isn't a requirement. And wasn't just a random man. Just didn't turn out the way either of us thought it would.
Would DH consider adopting your child? If he is the one raising him and BF isnt involved do you think adoption is an option?
BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013
DH wants to adopt LO. He came to me and asked me about it. He is the one raising him and is the only dad LO has ever known. Adoption is definitely an option and we are starting the process now, meeting with our lawyer in a couple of weeks.