How do you handle being ignored by your kid?

ScoobyM

So this morning I had a real struggle with DD and I know I created most of it.  I have been researching discipline techniques all morning to see how I could have handled it better but I'm not really finding anything that addresses this situation, so I would love to hear your thoughts.

Basically, when I ask/tell DD (who is 3.5) to do something, she just ignores me and continues doing what she is doing.  I have been trying to get down to her eye level and get her to focus on me when I talk to her, but she is usually dancing around and rarely sitting still so I end up chasing her all over; if I take her by the arms and try to hold her still, that's when the wrestling begins, and things usually escalate from there, with me trying to impose my will on her and her resisting me and crying.

So - I already know raising my voice, getting frustrated, and engaging in a battle of wills are all wrong and I know I have to work harder at staying calm when dealing with her.  What I would like to know is - if you have this same behavior, how do you handle it?  How do you teach your child that you are the authority and they have to pay attention to you and do what you tell them to do, right NOW, not after about 50 requests?  How do I get her attention while staying calm?

KathrynMD

I turn off/take away TV/radio/toy whatever is distracting her after a couple tries.  I also change the request - instead of "take off your underwear" I'd try a different request - go pick your toothbrush or even "can you help me and throw this in teh trash for me?"  If I got to a point where I was chasing her around the house, I'd probably just stop and say - OK, let me know when you are ready to get dressed so we can go do ____ (fun thing). 

If I can "break" her spell and get her focused on me, we can have a little whispered chat and I can lay out the plan for her - let's get our shoes on so we can go to school or whatever. 

Pesky

 I always give a listening reminder ("time to put on listening ears") and a countdown ("You need to do X by the time I get to 3.").  If there is something that is distracting her -- toy, TV, book -- it gets taken away with a very calm "I'm sorry to see that this is distracting you so you cannot listen when asked and do what you need to in the morning.  Given this makes you misbehave, I'll take it away so you can behave better."  FWIW, our TV never gets turned on in the morning -- found it made the mornings way too slow and created needless battles.  If she is still not listening, I start going downstairs without her.  If she goes to school half-dressed and in complete disarray, so be it. That usually results in a quick meltdown and compliance.  I heard a great idea which I thought was good -- have a picture checklist that is laminated with a dry-erase marker nearby.  So first would be a picture of a toilet (go potty), then clothes (getting dressed -- we pick out clothes the night before and they are at the end of her bed), then a tooth brush, washcloth (washing face), and hair brush.  As she completes each step, she can check off her laminated list.  Then you can erase it each morning or night and start over again the next day. 

Anlg

I am getting tips from this post. This morning was terrible at our house. DS (4 yrs) was ok changing his clothes but did not want to brush his teeth. I also could have handled it better but I was stressed out because I was running late for work even though I gave him plenty of time to get ready. I asked him nicely so many times to come with me and brush his teeth. He later apologized but he just won't listen.

KathrynMD

Pesky:

  I heard a great idea which I thought was good -- have a picture checklist that is laminated with a dry-erase marker nearby.  So first would be a picture of a toilet (go potty), then clothes (getting dressed -- we pick out clothes the night before and they are at the end of her bed), then a tooth brush, washcloth (washing face), and hair brush.  As she completes each step, she can check off her laminated list.  Then you can erase it each morning or night and start over again the next day. 

I've been gathering pictures to make a chart for mornings and bedtime, but I hadn't thought to do a check mark.  This is a great idea and DD will LOVE it.  I figure the visual cues work really well for daycare/preschool, they will work at home too.  Also - my DD loves a job to do so the checks will be great!

angelakh

For some reason counting to 5 works miracles in our house.  I get down to her level, ask her to look in my eyes, and I say in a very low tone, "You have until the count of 5 to do xyz or you will get xyz consequence."  If I get to 5 she gets the consequence regardless if it makes us late or causes a melt down.  She usually starts hopping to it around number 3.  I never thought I would be a "counting" parent, but it works for her.   

ScoobyM

Thanks a lot for the great input, and also for NOT pointing out that I should have been calmer and kept my cool.  I really like the chart/visual cues idea, that is something we haven't tried with her at all and it seems like something she would respond to.

We also leave the TV off in the mornings and actually this morning there wasn't anything she had that I could take away, she was just fooling around, dancing all over the living room and constantly moving.  I also do the counting to 5 and it used to work great, I almost never got to 5, but lately I've made it a few times and had to give her a consequence - usually taking something away from her that she likes or wants.  Today was just soo frustrating because I couldn't get her to stop moving and singing/talking long enough to HEAR me count.  I did it anyway and she lost a new toy she had just gotten which is now up in my closet - this led to the start of the meltdown and then I exacerbated it by getting frustrated and emotional myself.  I know she is testing me and so far, I am failing.

KathrynMD

I had that morning last week - it was awful and I was about to start screaming/crying/throwing stuff myself!

If you are already upset and you know it'll take awhile to get through whatever, sometimes its OK to just step away for a minute and get your sanity back.  No one ever cried from screaming or crying for a few minutes - and you're already screwed and late, might as well be calmly screwed and late, kwim?

AgrippaRidesAgain

He usually needs something to break the spell.  Clapping my hands works really well.  He also responds to a ringing bell now that he has started preschool.  If he continues to not listen, that's when I start taking things away.

kmhunt11

Have her repeat your instructions back to you.  If she's already being stubborn, this is difficult, but if you can get her one board it's very effective.  Also works on teenagers, husbands, employees, etc, etc, etc  

ecoppins

I try a couple of things but it depends on her behavior and what is distracting her. But this happens regularly. She also goes in and out of phases of listening and not listening.  I try hard to prevent things from escalating.

I give her a choice, "You can either take your jammies off and put them away or mommy will."

 Or engage her in the plan, like if she is off in lalaland, saying things like 'Gosh, I would really enjoy doing X, but to do that what do we need to do?"

I count to three, "you need to take off your jammies and put them in the jammie drawer by the time I count to three or (usually mommy will, or you don't get to wear X or some consequence)" Often the consequence is tickling or blowing on belly or something silly, as I find it helps me not get so annoyed and lightens the mood.

I leave, "Well if you aren't ready to get dressed, I am going to go get dressed."

I present her options "You can either get dressed or you can go in your jammie top and undies!" (usually said with humor like that would be totally outragous, but has happened, btw she does not sleep in jammie bottoms for whatever reason) or "You can't do x, until you get dressed. Let me know when you are ready."

If I simply want her attention, I calmly say something like "I need your listening ears on." or "You need to listen to me with your ears and your eyes." She will stop and look, and I'll start, then if she looks away i say, "I need your eyes" and wait till she looks at me. At this point, I usually have put a gentle hand on her or whatever it is she is playing with.

Sometimes I say things like "It frustrates mommy when you don't listen. Do you want a crabby mommy or a happy mommy?" Or "We can do this the easy way where XYZ happens or the hard way where ABC happens."

It is tough, especially to keep your cool. I also chant my mantra in my head. "It doesn't really matter" and I try to give her a few seconds from when I say something to either respond or to comply.

When I am just being blattently ignored, I try rephrasing whatever it is as a choice between two things. GL!

 

ecoppins

Also, I pretend she isn't there, and talk about her as if she isn't there. "Has anyone seen Sara? Sa-ra? Well, I guess sara isn't going to come. I'm going to X with out her."

or ask a question to get her attention then divert it to the thing I want. "What do cows say? Woof Woof!" then she says "No! Cows say "Mooo!" "OH! Are you sure?! I was sure they said Tweet! What should good little girls say? Yes ma'am!"

or I do a super sweet toned sing songy call, "Ooooooooooh Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet Saaaaaa-Raaaaa" to she usually says "Here I am" or "Yes Mommy?" (this is based off of a bedtime story I made up last year about a princess who learns to return the call of the queen. (Bc she wasn't responding, and would hide.) 

AviatorJJ

depends on what the situation is. if im asking Rowen to pick between 2 things and he ignores me i pick for him. if i ask him to pick up his toys and he ignores me i take them away for the rest of the day. if i tell him dinner is ready, turn off the tv and come eat and he ignores me i don't yell but dinner is only served for a certain amount of time andi take it away when the time is up. or i calmly turn off the tv myself and he can't watch it for the rest of the night. actions speak a lot louder than your nagging or yelling.  the rule is he has to awknowlege that i have just spoken to him no matter what i say by replying "yes or no mommy". a lot of time i ask him to repeat back to me what i just asked him to do. that helps.

AviatorJJ

the book Parenting wtih Love and Logic was really helpful for me

RHitch

This post is great!  I usually give DD "the look" and tell her that if she does not come here RIGHT NOW, I am going to come and get her, and she does not want that.  That's usually all it takes to get her over there quick fast in a hurry.  If she starts whining, I give her "the look" again and she gets it together.  For now, that's working just fine. However, one day she is going to learn that nothing will happen if I have to come and get her (lol), so your suggestions are much better than what I am doing.