Ultimatums (long)

Telyco

Do you guys give ultimatums a lot? I don't know why but they really bother me. Do you have ultimatum dos/don'ts?

My SIL and BIL give them a lot...like, instead of asking their kids to do something...it's ALWAYS "if you don't do it ...you won't get X" it rubs me the wrong way but I never really said anything to DH.

Last night we were trying to get Evan to eat a little more before we went to HomeDepot (which means stopping at Tim Hortons for coffee and the kids split an old fashioned donut)...so DH was being stern with Evan and saying "if you don't finish this hotdog you won't get a donut"...and Evan was resisting. We just wanted to get him to take one more bite - so two minutes later I said "Evan, please eat this for Mama while I get your shoes on" and he did and all was fine.

So I forgot my phone which meant I actually had to DH while in the car (kidding of course) so we were talking about this...and then Evan was whining while we were getting coffee and DH said "You have to be good or else you won't get a donut'...haha - and then we laughed because he must do it more than he realizes. I guess I just feel like you should be able to ask a kid to do something without always hanging something over their head to punish them if they don't.

I get teaching consequences and all that...but I don't know if this is the only way to do it, kwim?? Does it just depend on the kid?

Anyone care to share their $.02??

jewelsonu

We do it alot.  But that is the way the world is.  You don't get something for nothing.  Like if I don't work hard I won't get promoted or if I don't pay bills on time I get late fees if I eat candy bars everyday I gain weight.  I know those are adult examples but for kids if they don't eat a good amount of dinner then no dessert. I am not saying to clean the plate by any means.  I like rewarding his good behavior with a treat and not telling him what he won't get if he doesn't do what I want.

I guess it is the same thing it's just making a bigger deal out of the positive.

Irisheyes1247

This isn't something we have direct experience with, but I really don't see it as something I would strive to avoid as a parent. What bothers me is when a parent gives an ultimatum like this and then does not follow through. My aunt does this all the time and her boys just know now, "well if I keep asking/pestering, eventually she will give in to what I want." I hope that if I do give an ultimatum, I stick to my guns and follow through w whatever the consequence was.

jnk062602

Irisheyes1247:

What bothers me is when a parent gives an ultimatum like this and then does not follow through.

This is what bothers me too.  I think ultimatums are fine sometimes, and also kids should be able to do things because you asked them to without a reward.  We don't necessarily focus on not giving ultimatums, but we do try to be conscious of following thru on consequences that we have said.

ArcticFox

I do give ultimatums.. maybe not worded the same every time.. but like my 4.5 year old just wants cheese and olives for lunch, she has to have fruit first.  I'll cut up an apple or she has a bowl of baby carrots, and she'll eat one and tell me she wants the cheese.  So yes, I tell her she can't have anything else until she finishes her fruits or veggies.  That's pretty much every day.  Or she has really been into beads, of course she gets them all over the floor and it is a battle for her to pick them up.  It turns into me telling her she can't do anything else until the beads are put away.  And I have had to elaborate on that - "No TV until those beads are put away".  "No playing or other toys until those beads are cleaned up".  That's just the reality, where the child has to complete one thing to get another.  No bedtime story until the room is cleaned up and PJs are on and teeth are brushed.

I think sometimes I ask "nicely", but often that doesn't get me anywhere.  Like my DD takes literally over an hour to eat breakfast, but I don't have that kind of time on school mornings.  So maybe it's not really an ultimatum, but every morning I am constantly saying how she has to finish her breakfast or.. (we'll be late for school / she's going to miss playtime / she's going to be hungry / etc).  So instead of reminding her to take a bite every minute, I usually have to do a reality check with her that she's going to be late for school and miss out on playtime.

 I have however heard that it can be bad to make kids finsih meals especially if there is a treat afterwards.  Sometimes they just aren't hungry or the portion is too much.

wendyj

I think it depends on the situation. There are times when gentle persuasion works, and other times when I have to say, "If you want X, then you will have to do A B C first." because he is doing everything in his power to avoid getting ABC done, and thinks it's OK to just skip to X.

And pp is right, the main thing is following through on the consequences if they don't do what you ask, or if you say no to something, sticking to it.

sunnygirl05

Yep...I do it.