Starting the Baby Conversation with DH

3of4DDs

I'm new here and I need some advice.

 DH and I have been married for over a year now, both have good stable jobs, we own a house and have a great puppy.  I'm 27, he's 28.

We have talked about having kids, and we continue to talk about it all the time - but it is always "when we...in the future...when we are ready.."  

Well, I'm ready.  I want to start trying, but I'm not so sure how NOW works for him..  How did you all start the conversation with your DHs and BFs?  How did he react?  Any resistance at first?  How has it turned out? 

I'm just nervous about even bringing it up in a serious conversation about beginning to TTC.

rocky_star

For months we had had talked about when we would start trying.. then I decided I wanted to try a month earlier because you never know how long it will take to happen. He wants kids as much as I do, so he was fine with it!

You just have to tell him that you're ready and go from there. If he's not, you can discuss why (maybe put some worries at ease) but you have to keep him in the loop!

holly321

With DD, we had been talking about it for in the future, I had even already started taking prenatals, so we were going to try soon.  Then our nephew was born, and we saw and felt how instantly you can love a child, and that was the last day I took birth control.

 

With this time around, we had been back and forth about getting pregnant right away, then we thought I had gotten pregnant, it made us realize we did want another soon, so we were going to try in a few months.  I had migraines from hormones after childbirth, so I went on seasonique, I was going to take a couple of packs, I was bleeding a lot, so we decided I would just stop, and we would just let what happens happen.

Ramby

TheAnne:

We used to discuss it in the "eventually" since until I reminded MH that it could take a long time to get pregnant and even if it didn't it would still be the better part of a year before we actually had a child to care for.  That sort of snapped him out of it.

This.  MH wanted to start Fall 2011 back at the end of 2010 

... and I told him I was stopping my BCP so my body would start to regulate.  He was told he could choose when he wanted to start and/or stop wearing a condom... we've been trying since December/January

I'm a little different though, because I really didn't mean I wanted to start trying right away, just that I was ready to stop taking BCP and would be ok if we got KU earlier than 'planned' but that wasn't the goal.

 

jenk84

I didn't have to, thank goodness. DH actually brought it up and I was like, "Hails yea!" 

Good luck and hopefully your H will be on board.  

kcblues97

We were together for 10 years before we got married.  We both knew we wanted children, so we always said "when we are married, we will start trying".  The 2-3 months that lead up to the wedding, we talked about it and made sure that we were both on the same page as to when we would start TTC.  We both agreed that we would start immediately after the wedding...lol 

Communication is the key!  You have to be open and honest about how you feel. Hopefully he will feel the same way.  GL!

Temp878586125009588

DH and I talked about it for months, and finally I let him know I was ready and after I told him I was ready, he told me he was ready too.So fro there we made the decision to start TTC. I think he was ready for it too because we were both open to sharing our thoughts and opinions to each other about it and we talked about it for a while before making the decision to start. The only way to find out about it is to talk, and you really shouldn't be nervous to talk about seriously starting TTC with your DH. You should feel open to talking about that to him. The only way to know is to communicate about it.

GL.

holly321

Ramby:

TheAnne:

We used to discuss it in the "eventually" since until I reminded MH that it could take a long time to get pregnant and even if it didn't it would still be the better part of a year before we actually had a child to care for.  That sort of snapped him out of it.

This.  MH wanted to start Fall 2011 back at the end of 2010 

... and I told him I was stopping my BCP so my body would start to regulate.  He was told he could choose when he wanted to start and/or stop wearing a condom... we've been trying since December/January

I'm a little different though, because I really didn't mean I wanted to start trying right away, just that I was ready to stop taking BCP and would be ok if we got KU earlier than 'planned' but that wasn't the goal.

 

 

That was the option I gave DH, my ob said I could still bleed from the bc for 2 more months, so I said if he didn't want another baby yet, he could use condoms.

KMac570

We discussed having children on our third date I think - lol.  Like you, it was always discussed in terms of "someday" and "when we are ready".  At the time, we thought that would be when I was thirty (that was 7 years in the future then, and seemed so old!  lol!!!).  We both wanted to work on our careers, and frankly, neither of us were ready yet. 

We started actually talking about it in "real" terms after we got married in 2009 (when I was 30 as it happens).  We both agreed we still weren't ready, but that we would be ready in a year.

Fast forward another year, still not ready.  lol  So, we agreed to wait another year - until September, 2011.

This time we were both ready (I actually became ready I think last Christmas, but honoured our agreement and respected the fact that he wasn't there yet).  However, it was touch and go for a bit with him all summer - he kept making comments that suggested he wanted to put it off again.  That really upset me, to be honest, and I struggled with how to deal with the issue.  In the end, we just talked it out - honestly and in great detail.  Turns out, he IS ready - but still a bit scared (which I totally get). 

I'm really thankful that he was ready in the end, because if he wasn't, I wouldn't have pushed the issue.  I don't believe in trying to make husbands or boyfriends TTC until they are ready.  I've seen too many marriages fail because of it.  It's just one of those things - you both need to be completely on board. 

My advice to you - talk to him about it.    Honestly, openly, and without judgment.  He may just be like my husband - ready, but a little scared.  Or he may need more time.  But either way, the best way to handle it, in my opinion, is to talk it out, and deal with it as partners.

 Welcome to the board by the way, and good luck if you do start TTC!

hsm

We have both always wanted to have children as soon as we could. For us, the decision of when to start trying was based more on financial reasons. We wanted to be sure we could afford daycare, expenses, time off from work, etc.

Penguin1318

THEANNE your siggy is a bit frightening. I hate clowns or talking dolls.

MH has ALWAYS wanted kids. If it were up to him we would already be on our 3rd or 4th child. I, on the other hand did not feel ready. Of course I wanted kids just as much as he did but I thought about the bigger picture. I wanted to enjoy our marriage and be more financially stable. He was also at that moment in the marines. I know a lot of families are military families but I did not think I could be strong enough to raise a baby on my own with deployment and casualties if I had to so our plan was to wait until his contract was up and then we'll reconsider. But 25 was my mark to start the baby making. Luckily when I hit 25 I felt secure both in our relationship and financially. When he mentioned another one of his reasons why having a baby now was a good idea I actually agreed and he became super excited and anxious. 13 months later still trying for that baby. Sorta makes me wish I would've felt ready before haha.

GL to you and just talk it out with your husband. If you're both ready then you are ready.

bethj516

I was ready for awhile before my DH and would bring it up every few months, and he kept saying that he was ready emotionally but he wanted to pay off some bills first. After his best friend had his baby, he saw the connection they had and decided that we had 9 months to prepare plus however long it took to TTC and was ready to start trying then. I started taking prenatals and had my yearly checkup at the GYN and then we started trying.

Karrotelle

I sat down with DH and told him "I'm ready to start trying for a baby, are you?" and honestly, when I brought it up, he wasn't. He wanted to wait awhile so we did. So after about a year I brought it up again and said "What are your thoughts about trying for a baby now?" and he said "I'm ready, let's do this!" and that was it.

dani2480

I had been ready to start a family since shortly after we married. Right around our first anniversary, I started pushing to start TTC. We had always talked about having a family "someday", and I had wanted to start a family before I turned 30, and was just shy of 29 at that point.

DH initially agreed... but I later learned that he wasn't fully ready. He went along with it because I wanted it, and he didn't want to create conflict. I found this out when, after taking a couple month break to get settled into the new house we had just purchased, I brought up resuming TTC and DH flipped out and started telling me he wasn't even sure he wanted kids, and that he didn't want to talk about TTC at all at that point. I was crushed and confused.

It was the beginning of a rough period for us (some other stuff also happened in our lives around the same time that caused us a lot of heartache and stress). We became consumed with dealing with the other issue that popped up, and TTC became fully off the table for both of us. During this time we also realized that our relationship was undergoing enormous strain, and sought help. We've spent the last 1+ year fixing the mess we were dealing with, and simultaneously making a lot of changes and improvements in our marriage and as individuals. The outcome is that our relationship (which is now nearly 14 years old) is far better than it has ever been. And we're both different, and better people as individuals.

So, when the topic of having a family randomly came up a couple of months ago, I had a very different outlook on it. I still wanted a family, but I had learned that it was wrong, immature and selfish of me to push my needs onto DH without fully taking into consideration his own readiness and desire. I expressed my desires and feelings to him, but made it clear that his feelings and needs mattered just as much -- and I meant it. Fortunately, DH had been spending a lot of time on his own considering the topic, and had independently come to the conclusion that he did really want a family too, and that he actually didn't want to delay too much longer. His freak-out a year earlier had been an extreme reaction to having felt like he had been sort of railroaded in the decision (even if he acknowledges now that he was partly responsible for that, for not speaking up and just "going along"). We both now have a deeper understanding of what was going on back then, and how we share in the "blame".

And that's why, even when he told me he was now feeling ready and desiring to start a family, I suggested that we wait a little longer. First because I was training to run a half marathon next month, and being pregnant could complicate that. Second because there were some other house projects that would be good to finish first. Third because it would allow us to take a few months to have deeper conversations about starting a family and what that will mean for us, and what we each want that to look like, so we can ensure we have as much consensus as possible on things. And lastly because I wanted to give him time to "back out" if he had any reservations. I do not want to be caught off-guard like I was last year by another freak-out. I asked him to continue thinking about it and discussing it with me, particularly if he had any reservations, feelings of fear, concerns, etc., and that we could always postpone a little longer if he needed.

I think that making this a fully joint decision and process was one of the biggest things that helped DH feel ready and comfortable. We plan to start TTC again in a month, and DH says he is extremely excited. He also is acting differently this time around -- wanting to be more involved/informed in the process of TTC (including learning about charting and having me read him things about TTC and starting a family).

And because of all of the hard work we've done on ourselves and our marriage, and because TTC will be a fully joint decision, I feel confident that we will be bringing a child into a far better situation than we would have two years ago, when we were first trying. And for that reason, I'm actually thankful that we were unsuccessful at TTC back then.

brookelynpaisley

I'd open it up with the types of goals you want to accomplish before you start trying: is there a target number you want ot have in savings? Do you need to buy a house? Trade in a car for something bigger? Is either of you considering a job change that you want to get through first? Or is one o fyou in a new job and need to wait for FMLA to kick in?

I think guys tend to think about the "providing" end of it, so I know for my husband, sitting down and talking about the expenses and knowing (roughly) what to expect was important. But this goes for other goals, too, both the ones I named up there and others. Talk about where you want to be financially and emotionally before starting. Then, if things are in line, talk about a plan - when you'll go off BCPs, start taking PNVs, etc. My husband and I both like plans and timelines, so we found it helpful to have a sort of checklist.

The big thing to remember is that there's a difference between having a normal healthy fear of the unknown - it IS a big life change to have a baby - and being NOT ready. If he's truly not ready, then you'll need to back off, and maybe agree to talk about it again in 4 months (or whatever time frame you set). I feel that it's fine to set deadlines so long as they're agreeable to both parties and that they're reasonable and not ultimatums.

3of4DDs

Thanks for all of your stories!  Hearing about your DHs being ready when talking...or at least eventually being okay with it...eases my nerves a little bit. 

I'm mostly nervous because he is usually resistant to big decisions like this - although he ultimately comes around, the initial resistance is frustrating.  (For example, when I told him I was ready for a puppy - which we'd been talking about for over a year - he was resistant, even said "I don't see a dog in my life right now"...I was angry, sad and confused all at the same time.  After talking about it for a few weeks, he said okay - we found a great dog a few months later and within a week of having the puppy, & up to this day, he has been saying "getting a puppy was the right thing to do - you were so right in that decision!" 

I just hope he sees TTC a baby as "the right thing to do now"!

Thanks again! You all are so helpful!

 

ncjulia12

Like many DH I think, mine did not (and still does not) have a lot to TTC or baby knowledge.  He doesn't like to put cart before horse so we haven't even had many "when we have a baby or when we have kids" conversations, both we both knew we wanted kids eventually.  I have been READY for over a year and it was painfully slow sometimes waiting for him to get there.  

I tried to just casually bring it up every so often and not nag him about it.  Over the months, I've dropped little factoids to move him my way (how it can takes months or even years to conceive; how, generally speaking, there are less risks the younger you start; reminding him that 9 months is a long time to finish fully adjusting to the idea of being a dad, etc. etc.)

I wanted to plan a TTC start date so I could start taking prenatals early, get insurance lined up and all that, but he still wasn't fully on board.  I could tell he was leaning though and started prenatals just in case, and then- out of the blue one day, he was ready too...and here we are! 

LLS1215

I told DH that I was ready and that I wanted a baby. After a few months of dropping hints, he opened up and said he wants children but he's worried. Then after a great conversation of figuring out what he was afraid of or worried about we figured out our situation and now he wants one more than I do.

Unfortunately we're kind of on hold for now.

gingermom2

Luckily my DH and I were on the same page. I hinted that I wanted to get off birth control and 'see what happens' (as a way of feeling him out) and he said he we might as well start trying! We started dating at 14 though and at the time he said he wanted seven kids...I talked him down to 4 We shall see how it goes.

MrsT0522

I never told him. I just threw away my BCP's. He still doesn't know we are trying.

brookelynpaisley

MrsT0522:

I never told him. I just threw away my BCP's. He still doesn't know we are trying.

Ha!

3of4DDs

MrsT0522:

I never told him. I just threw away my BCP's. He still doesn't know we are trying.

 Besides feeling bad about tricking DH into having a baby this way, I can't use any of the "stopping BCPs" to break the ice and start a conversation.

After 7 years on several different types of BCPs, I stopped taking them about 4 years ago because they messed with me too much - caused more headaches, longer and more painful periods and night terrors.  Weird, I know, the hormones apparently just really mess with my system!

So we've just been using condoms...I guess it could be - "let's stop using condoms...!!"

I really am just afraid of the response I'll get! 

honcho22

New to the bump myself and just started TTC. Sounds like you are in a good place. I would just let DH know how you feel. There will never be the right time, but you seem to have the basic covered.

My DH and I have always talked about having kids but I had to take care of some medical issues and I wanted to finish my masters. Once that was done then it was how about you work a year first. I was just upfront and honest and told DH I finished the important stuff first, physically I feel great and you have a good job. So here we are trying. 

Good Luck!!

ryansmamaxo

DH wanted a baby from the second we started dating, he's always been the Daddy type which I love about him. So a year into dating when we got our little surprise BFP he was always supportive & excited. He came to every appointment his work schedule allowed, and when the baby came he raced me inti the room pushing me aside to change diapers & give bottles. Of course this only lasted so long, lol. He's a wonderful father but we all of course get worn down.

Now that we are trying for number two , and he knows what to expect he's more realistic and I can see he's a little nervous about all the work two children will mean. But we both miss having that tiny little bundle to hold and want to give DS a baby "brudder" or sister that he wants so badly. I also want 3 children and would like to be done around 30 , I'm 26 now so time is ticking.

All first time Dads are of course nervous and you could be safe to assume he will fall in love when the baby comes and get over any anxiety or doubts he had... But if you feel like he truly isn't ready, you definitely need to talk instead of just getting KUed right away.

amanda31H

When we got married we both said we wanted to be married for 4 years before a child was born.  We revisited the discussion on our anniversary every year - it was fun.  On our third anniversary we decided to begin "not preventing" 6 months later...but when the time arrived I wasn't ready.  We set a new date for 2 months later.  I still didn't feel completely "ready", but realized that I probably never would.  I knew I wanted kids and a big family (4 kids), but I was so nervous about changing our life style.  Setting the date really helped me.