My dearest Jonathan:
Much of this my son you won?t want to read?probably ever?.I know I will want to look back on it though and maybe you will want to know some parts and I bet your lucky wife will one day too!
Today you are one week old and I got to thinking I needed to write to tell you about the day you came into this world. I feel like I have always known you. I look at you sleeping in my lap and am overwhelmed with love and thanks that you have joined our family.
The one day Coco said you could not be born was Sunday (the 13th) because your Uncle Mark and family were in town from Ireland and we were planning a big ole BBQ. Well little did Daddy and I know they were also planning on a surprise party for us to belated celebrate our 30th b-days!
We woke up that morning and as I got up I thought uh oh my water might have just broken?(7:45)But I went downstairs to make your big sister and Daddies breakfast and then I knew it had broken. I called your Auntie and asked who was going to tell Coco!! But when I woke her up to tell her she jumped up with joy and sang her baby song.
We started making phone calls and had a snack since I was feeling just fine, only a little crampy. We went upstairs and Coco brought out the awesome scrapbook she had made for my life thus far, and the last page talked about our Miracle (what I called you).
We finished packing the bag for the hospital, I was soo sure you would be late and I had time that I hadn?t finished it. I sat down and just enjoyed the time I had left with you and trying to memorize the feeling of a hummingbird inside me since you were letting me know you were there. Thanks. I always loved feeling you flutter, then move, then kick and jab and finally roll. I hope I never ever forget it since it was the first of many gifts from you. And I watched Jennifer play as I knew everything was soon to change for all of us but especially her. I was scared, but silly me I didn?t know how much one little boy would make us a better, stronger family.
By this time I labor was truly starting, I realized I wasn?t too happy hearing other people talking so I went upstairs to get ready. I spent a long time in the shower while Daddy prepped the car and everything else. I wanted to go to Aunties so I didn?t get to the hospital too early but they said they wanted me to go straight in. Halfway on the 30 minute drive I realized they were right! Your Dad tried to take care of me but I let him know very sternly just to get me out of that car.
He wheeling me up and in and we went to room 7, the room we wanted since they had a tub. I jumped in and spent a little time in there while other people arrived like Coco and KellyMarie (she took all those photos!). They checked me and I was only at 1cm, I think it must have been about 12. This is Auntie and Cocos 2nd favorite part of the day (you being the 1st). They said I had to take out my tongue rings..yes honey mommy had 2 tongue rings (sorry) and KellyMarie had to take them out for me.
I crawled into bed got a cold towel over my face and laid on my side so they could check you out and you were doing great. About an hour later I was already at 3 and everybody was getting excited but I knew things were getting harder very fast for both of us. Daddy the whole time was helping me by digging as hard as he could in my back. He worked so hard for us Jonathan, to take care of us. I hope you know from the moment he knew about you he loved you and did whatever he needed to do to take care of you and your sister. We are so lucky.
They started to get a little concerned about you and wanted to keep monitoring you but you weren?t making that easy so they had to screw a little monitor in your head! I wasn?t too happy about that, but listening to your heartbeat slow convinced me it was worth it. And I wasn?t moving from my main position with a wet towel over my face. By this time I was so dependent on your Daddy and needed him with me, poor fella almost peed himself! I hated any noise and very loudly tried to drown out everyone expect him. Coco and Auntie thought your middle name would be f*ck since I said it so much. Hmmm hope its not your first word. In just a hour they said it was time for you to come.
So we all got excited and ready, Coco and Auntie were jealous how fast and furious..but mostly fast this time had gone for me. And I was ready because I had gotten no breaks in between contractions. Looking back it makes sense that if it was that hard on me it must have been very difficult for you. So I pushed?and every time your precious heartrate dropped below 60. So they stopped labor to see if we could regain some control. A few days later a nurse that had been there at this time couldn?t believe, like went and checked your chart when we said you weren?t born till 9:45.
That shot was short lived and things started picking up quickly. The doctor told me they were pretty sure the cord was around your neck..we got very worried?But trusted that we could continue on.
Somewhere in this time they tried saline injections in my back to trick the pain and it was intense because it stung so bad and I think it did take my mind away from the pain for a little bit.
They brought up a c-section and the doctor said her guess was we would end up there and they reserved a room for us! I had not come this far only to not cross the finish line.
So got to it again and I was back down to 9cm?just a lip they said. So I pushed again..and again..In all sorts of ways and with help from the nurses to try and get you all the way there. This was insane for me because it was more painful after each set of 3 pushes then any contraction by quite a bit. I was so loud then I remember feeling sorry for any other woman that had to hear me since I thought it would sound awful, but I had no control over it. Around 18 weeks we were scared we would lose you but found out my bones were just separated and this is what was causing so much pain after pushing. For the first time I was scared I wouldn?t be able to get through because I just knew this level and kind of pain wasn?t right.
They brought up an epidural to help me relax for the final ?lip?. But I first asked to try a little iv medication for an hour. They agreed it would be ok for you to wait and try that route. It didn?t work and they left Daddy and I alone to talk about it. I didn?t want to get one. I didn?t want to miss one moment of this time with you, I wanted my body to work. I knew how very lucky I was to be in this pain and I didn?t want it to be taken for granted. But Daddy just held me and told me it would be ok?and I knew he was right.
So I got one once they were sure your heart was strong enough for it. And 5 mins later they checked me and the lip was gone! I was ready to go again and this time we all knew this was our last chance to get you out. They made me wait though for 30 mins to get a few test results back. Just me and Daddy helping me wait to push. I was quite surprised that the epidural only took the edge off but I was still in a good deal of pain. But I was happy for it because it still felt real to me.
Unfortunately you were still very high but we worked and worked. And the room was flooded with so many people to make sure you arrived safe and sound. I think this was around 8:30. At the end Daddy told me how scared he was by how slow your heartbeat got at the end?They got out a vaccum to help me and did a episotomy. But you and the largest conehead known to man arrived at 9:45. Auntie kept yelling at me to look in the mirror so I could see what the Kranz team was doing!
The cord was around your neck and you were sunny side up! Quite a journey you had my boy, stubborn just like your momma. They whisked you away and it felt like ages waiting for you to cry, I don?t think I took a breathe waiting. And the nurse told me very excitedly (they were all excited to find out right along with us) I had a son?WHAT?!?! I was so surprised but happy. A son?wow?a son. Daddy was beaming.
He is actually the reason I think one day you may read this, because he loved being in that room and watching you arrive. We both weren?t sure how he would deal with any of it and he absolutely loved it. I think because you are truly our miracle we both appreciated getting to be in our roles introducing you to the world.
And they kept you over at the table for so long it seemed. All I could think was you were ours. Forever. Our name was on your little leg band. The quest to you was over all in one day. It was so different then the path to your sister that I felt so overwhelmed just knowing I never had to worry about losing you once you were placed in my arms. Such a gift you gave me the joy of you.
So I held you and cried tears of joy and peace.
The next day when she finally came to see you I dissolved into tears. Tears for Jennifer and Jonathan my children who in one moment became my everythings. Who I love in a way I never knew I was capable. One made my belly swell as he grew and one made my heart swell as she grew. I am so lucky.