Help me teach DD some independence!!

MommyHarrison

So DD has always been what I call a "high needs" baby.

She's always been relatively fussy, needs lots of love and cuddles, and won't sleep on her own or play on her own.  

I am a SAHM, so I don't HAVE to leave her with anyone else. She's become very attached to me. Right now, we're to the point that I get nothing done around the house. I spend my entire day trying to get her to play. The easy fix to the chores is to use the Moby, but I feel like, by doing that, I'm encouraging the behavior and am not going to fix her lack of independence.

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE spending time with her, but it's exhausting to spend my ENTIRE day trying to entertain her. I would love for her to spend half hour in her bouncy seat or playing on her playmat or in her jumperoo without me by her side. DH and I would love a date night or an afternoon to ourselves on a weekend. We have people willing to keep her for us, but we don't feel like we can do it. She will literally scream and cry the entire time if one of us isn't there. I feel badly letting DD cry and feel extra badly for whoever would be watching her!

So...any of you experiencing the same thing? Any tips of how to help her gain some independence? Or tips on how to regain my sanity?

I LOVE my little girl SO MUCH. But I.am.exhausted. 

LLH2010

Let her play alone. If she starts fussing give her a few minutes then go settle her down. Rinse and repeat until she starts tolerating it.

Even if she is only 4 months she still needs to begin learning a little independence, that is okay. I let Lila play on her playmat, in the Jumperoo, or just on a blanket in the floor many times when I need to get things done!

LLH2010

Also, I've found that the more time Lila spends with other people the better she tolerates them. Maybe try to ease her into it by spending time with other people with her and slowly easing into leaving her alone with them.

I still can't let Lila stay overnight anywhere though. Not only does it make me a nervous wreck, but she aslo will not sleep unless she is at home with us.

croberts22

I think at this point its going to be hard to teach her independence, she is only 4 months old.  However, I can see where you're coming from with wanting a few minutes to put her down or to have a night out without her.  C went through a couple patches of this, especially around 6 weeks when I started leaving her with DH while I went to work a few hours a week. 

I would stick to using the Moby to get things done around the house.  Can you have someone come over to watch her while you do things?  You could hopefully get a few things done and she could get used to them slowly while you're around to "rescue" them were she to have a meltdown. 

Does she just fuss when you but her in the bouncy or on a playmat.  If she's only fussing a little are you comfortable trying to leave her for longer and longer periods of time so that she gets used to playing on her own?

 I'm not much help and I'm sure you've tried these things, I hope you get some releif soon. 

MommyHarrison

melpatbat:

Independance!  She's only 4 months old! 

Do you really think this is the case? I have thought that maybe she just needs mommy because she is still young and I am FINE with that, as long as I'm doing the right thing. I will sacrifice me time as long as I'm not doing her any injustice. I don't want to make a wrong choice. I felt like maybe she would have grown out of this by 4 months old (to a certain degree - please understand that I am not expecting her to spend hours on end by herself!). Everyone keeps talking about their baby playing in their jumperoo or on their playmat for an hour - mine doesn't even do 10 minutes! And I know lots of moms work and take their kids to daycare. If I dropped mine off at daycare, she would be miserable.

We don't have any family around here, but we just spent a month out of state visiting our family and friends and anytime I would leave DD with someone (my grandma passed away had the funeral and DH and I wanted a night out to ourselves for the first time since she was born), she cried the ENTIRE time. Again, if this is totally normal - ok! I just want to make sure I'm not creating any bad habits or doing something wrong.

MommyHarrison

croberts22:

I think at this point its going to be hard to teach her independence, she is only 4 months old.  However, I can see where you're coming from with wanting a few minutes to put her down or to have a night out without her.  C went through a couple patches of this, especially around 6 weeks when I started leaving her with DH while I went to work a few hours a week. 

I would stick to using the Moby to get things done around the house.  Can you have someone come over to watch her while you do things?  You could hopefully get a few things done and she could get used to them slowly while you're around to "rescue" them were she to have a meltdown. 

Does she just fuss when you but her in the bouncy or on a playmat.  If she's only fussing a little are you comfortable trying to leave her for longer and longer periods of time so that she gets used to playing on her own?

 I'm not much help and I'm sure you've tried these things, I hope you get some releif soon. 

I am able to get things done in the evenings when DH is home. She will spend time with him without getting upset for quite a while. 

As far as leaving her alone - it starts as fussing and I just let her fuss. I definitely do not always just run right to her. But her fussing ends up in all out crying and screaming and of course I go get her. She's not soothing herself at all yet. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe once she begins to learn to self-soothe, she'll be comfortable playing on her own for a few minutes at a time here and there.

Lisa Frank

melpatbat:

Independance!  She's only 4 months old! 

And at 4 months, she should be able to spend 10 minutes by herself. Geez, what a helpful answer.  

OP, I would do what LLH (or whoever) suggested above. Let her be...and honestly, if she fusses (not a full out rage cry) and you need to get something done? Stop feeling guilty about not entertaining her.  

I hate to sound all 2nd-mom here, but your hindsight grows immensely when you have another LO.  My DD fusses all.the.time because I just can't take care of her, DS, make dinner etc.  Someone/something is going to have to wait and I've learned it's OKAY. 

Good luck to you.

tokenhoser

There isn't anything wrong with wearing her if that keeps her happy and lets you get something done. You're not ruining her by doing what she wants (or as I prefer to say, meeting her needs).

There's also nothing wrong with a baby fussing a bit. I know the difference now between a "I'm not entirely content" cry and a "I NEEEEEED you" cry. I do let my LO cry/fuss a bit here and there. There isn't anything wrong with that, either.

I'd say change your perspective from "I need to teach her independence" (because no, you don't) to "I need to balance this family in a way that keeps me sane" (because yes, you do). Figure out what works, and then don't feel guilty about that.

lizardknitter

Can she see you from where ever you put her to have some alone time?  I find that V will play for about 30-45 minutes by herself as long as I am visible.  Remember, babies this age do not have object permanence.  That means that once they can't see you, you cease to exist.  Maybe try putting the swing or playmat or whatever within viewing distance of where you're working.

Also, like Token said, wearing her will not spoil her or keep her from learning to self soothe.  Personally, I stopped using the Moby (because of the heat here) and got a mei tai.  Now I can wear LO on my back and get a lot more done with my hands.

Good luck! 

NothingLikeBarbie

Actually, wearing your baby and giving her lots of attention promotes independance.

https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/attachment-parenting/7-benefits-ap

Also, a jumperoo is a life saver! I just got one and it keeps my LO entertained for 10-15 minuets so I can get things done when I am about to lose my mind.

iris427

Well I think expecting a half hour might be a little bit much at this age.  But like others said, it's OK if your baby fusses or even cries for a few minutes.  My daughter never liked to be alone much as a baby and it was hard, but once she got older and more mobile, I could put her down on the floor with a bunch of toys and have more space.  Hang in there, these early months are hard.

MommyHarrison

Thanks, all. This really helped me feel so much better. I'm glad to get some reassurance when it comes to letting her cry or fuss. And I'm glad to know that this isn't totally out of the ordinary at her age. Maybe my expectations were a little skewed.  

msdonnas

My ds is similar and I agree with token. Wearing her is fine, you're not going to harm her or spoil her. Letting her fuss is also not going to harm her. I've learned about how much fuss time I get before crying and I try to get there right before. That way I don't spend 10 minutes calming him down and two hours with him being clingy. It seems like I get a little more time each day. My ds also wants me to play with him on his mat or in his jumperoo, so I clean the room where those are and talk or sing to him while I do it. In the kitchen I put him in his highchair with his winkel and do the same. Maybe some of that will help? Also, try to leave the house, the mall, bookstore, coffee shop all save my sanity and wearing him in those places doesn't seem as, I don't know, coddling, to me. Plus it makes me feel more productive even though I'm not at all. My friend and I go out each week with our boys and we carry, play or hold the other baby. They can still see us but they get used to other people. I do it with my mom too. They are the only people we leave ds with and it seems to work, he's comfortable with both.

kaeti_su

Yeah, a half hour of independent play is a long time at this age-- my DD can only entertain herself in her bouncer with toys for about 20 minutes max while I shower and dress, and that's with me right there. EJ only tolerates being worn for about 10 minutes at a time. When I'm home with her one day a week, we play and read most of her awake time, and I can get a few quick things done while she's on her playmat or whatever, but I eat and do more involved chores while she naps, which is only for about an hour at the most.

As far as crying with other people, you might just have to let it happen, if you need the time away. My DD cried and screamed a lot of the time with other people until about the last few weeks. I don't know if it's because her demeanor has changed or if my dad just knows her cues and how to handle her better (he watches her while my husband and I work), but she's doing much, much better now. If you have someone you can trust and they understand that your little girl will probably cry the whole time she's with them, it's worth your sanity to leave her with that person for a set time so you can have some time to yourself. 

Temp38995750004016

tokenhoser:

There isn't anything wrong with wearing her if that keeps her happy and lets you get something done. You're not ruining her by doing what she wants (or as I prefer to say, meeting her needs).

I am going to adopt this phrase for myself and hopefully talk DH into meeting a lot more of my needs around here!

tokenhoser

pook:

tokenhoser:

There isn't anything wrong with wearing her if that keeps her happy and lets you get something done. You're not ruining her by doing what she wants (or as I prefer to say, meeting her needs).

I am going to adopt this phrase for myself and hopefully talk DH into meeting a lot more of my needs around here!

Well, if you're 3 months old, go for it.

My point was that babies don't actually cry just to make you dance.

nycdueinmay

MommyHarrison:

I am a SAHM, so I don't HAVE to leave her with anyone else. She's become very attached to me. Right now, we're to the point that I get nothing done around the house. I spend my entire day trying to get her to play.

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE spending time with her, but it's exhausting to spend my ENTIRE day trying to entertain her. I would love for her to spend half hour in her bouncy seat or playing on her playmat or in her jumperoo without me by her side.

So...any of you experiencing the same thing?

I LOVE my little girl SO MUCH. But I.am.exhausted. 

I whittled down your post to the things that yes, I am experiencing. So this is what I think you are saying or need to hear:

-No, you are not alone! My DD is a little better than yours as in she will play without my assisting her for about 15 mins at a time on the play mat, I can probably get 2 of those sessions per day. She can also handle about 10 mins in the bouncer while I am in the shower, but the last 5 mins of my shower is usually her fussing and I dry off while she cries...

-I also wonder what I am supposed to do, especially as a SAHM. DD is an *amazing* night sleeper. But naps? She will only nap on me. Seriously, no matter what I do. So I am in the same place as you where it is like, well I am a SAHM so I don't care that she naps on me, but man, I would sure like to have some time away from baby while the sun is out. But is this hurting her, developmentally? Should I be trying to make her nap independently, or, as a SAHM, do I just suck it up and let her nap on me? I think that is exactly what you are saying; is this how it is supposed to be or am I messing up?

-Like I said, I can now get her to play on her own without my assisting her play, but that is recent. Does our DD like the playmat? Do you have to sit right next to her and interact, or can you slowly start talking to her from across the room? I sit on the sofa and will say stuff like "Who is that baby in the mirror?!" or "You got your blue bug! What about the green and orange?" I tried to teach her that I am there to interact with her even though I am not sitting right next to her and also touching the toys. I am usually within eye sight.

 

I totally hear what you are saying and I want to reiterate that you are not alone! I may not be having identical issues, but I also struggle with trying to figure out what I should just buck up and deal with (especially as a SAHM), and what I am supposed to correct. I think I hear you saying the same. PM me if you ever want to vent!

mzsparklepdx

I can't get 30 minutes at a time, but what works best for DD is to put him where she can see me and talk to her the whole time I'm running around doing whatever I need to do.  She fusses and that's OK, but I know the signals of when it's crossing from fuss to cry and I try to get back to her before she loses it.  I've been struggling with making dinner because that's her super fussy time but I used the Ergo the other day and after crying a few minutes, she conked out and I got 25 minutes to get dinner ready.

I understand not wanting to "spoil" them but I figure very shortly she isn't going to want or need me nearly as much and I'm going to savor the snuggles as long as I can!

MommyHarrison

nycdueinmay:

MommyHarrison:

I am a SAHM, so I don't HAVE to leave her with anyone else. She's become very attached to me. Right now, we're to the point that I get nothing done around the house. I spend my entire day trying to get her to play.

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE spending time with her, but it's exhausting to spend my ENTIRE day trying to entertain her. I would love for her to spend half hour in her bouncy seat or playing on her playmat or in her jumperoo without me by her side.

So...any of you experiencing the same thing?

I LOVE my little girl SO MUCH. But I.am.exhausted. 

I whittled down your post to the things that yes, I am experiencing. So this is what I think you are saying or need to hear:

-No, you are not alone! My DD is a little better than yours as in she will play without my assisting her for about 15 mins at a time on the play mat, I can probably get 2 of those sessions per day. She can also handle about 10 mins in the bouncer while I am in the shower, but the last 5 mins of my shower is usually her fussing and I dry off while she cries...

-I also wonder what I am supposed to do, especially as a SAHM. DD is an *amazing* night sleeper. But naps? She will only nap on me. Seriously, no matter what I do. So I am in the same place as you where it is like, well I am a SAHM so I don't care that she naps on me, but man, I would sure like to have some time away from baby while the sun is out. But is this hurting her, developmentally? Should I be trying to make her nap independently, or, as a SAHM, do I just suck it up and let her nap on me? I think that is exactly what you are saying; is this how it is supposed to be or am I messing up?

-Like I said, I can now get her to play on her own without my assisting her play, but that is recent. Does our DD like the playmat? Do you have to sit right next to her and interact, or can you slowly start talking to her from across the room? I sit on the sofa and will say stuff like "Who is that baby in the mirror?!" or "You got your blue bug! What about the green and orange?" I tried to teach her that I am there to interact with her even though I am not sitting right next to her and also touching the toys. I am usually within eye sight.

 

I totally hear what you are saying and I want to reiterate that you are not alone! I may not be having identical issues, but I also struggle with trying to figure out what I should just buck up and deal with (especially as a SAHM), and what I am supposed to correct. I think I hear you saying the same. PM me if you ever want to vent!

THANK YOU!!! You read my mind - and definitely said this much better than I did! First of all, I'm a first time mom and don't know exactly what to expect at each age. I read all these posts about babies doing this and doing that and I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. I know all babies are different, but even so - I want to make sure I'm not doing mine any disservice by being with her all the time.  

I am often able to calm her by talking to her from across the room. This will sometimes get her to play on her own for a couple of minutes.

Now that I know this is "normal" behavior for a child her age, I feel so much better.

Thanks for understanding! 

iris427

My daughter would never nap without me.  She is a normal 3 year old who is not at all clingy or too dependent on me.  Kids are resilient--you are not ruining your kid for life.  

nycdueinmay

iris427:

My daughter would never nap without me.  She is a normal 3 year old who is not at all clingy or too dependent on me.  Kids are resilient--you are not ruining your kid for life.  

I'm happy to oblige her when she needs to nap, but it is still annoying (yes, annoying) to lay in my bed awake for an hour while DD sleeps on me three times a day. I'm sure you can relate.

In other words, I love the "cuddle time", but when does it stop?! When did your DD start napping independently?

SFBayMrs

LLH2010:

Let her play alone. If she starts fussing give her a few minutes then go settle her down. Rinse and repeat until she starts tolerating it.

Even if she is only 4 months she still needs to begin learning a little independence, that is okay. I let Lila play on her playmat, in the Jumperoo, or just on a blanket in the floor many times when I need to get things done!

Agreed. I do the same with DS.