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September 2011 Moms
Postpartum help from MIL/BIL
My midwife has a plan for three weeks of varying levels of bedrest for the post partum period. She recommends that I plan out who will be helping me each day for those three weeks. The idea is that I have someone around to help with the house and bringing me food and other things while I am tending to the baby and making sure to get tons of rest. I'm on board with the idea but logistically it is difficult to plan out.
If I knew when LO would make her grand appearance, it would be so simple, but I have no clue. My mother and MIL will be alternating days since this works with their work schedules. (And I'm glad not to have either of them here for several days in a row!!) But they can't keep that up for all 3 weeks. MIL proposed that my BIL help out some days. He's 13 (sheltered and babied so acts like he's 9). She says it would be great for him and keeps saying how much he loves babies.
How do I tell her that he wouldn't be very helpful? Also, it seems that she envisions watching the baby. I don't want a babysitter. I want a mommysitter. I'm taking care of the baby, they are taking care of the house and me, and I don't want this to be confused by her or anyone else (but esp. her!) coming to help out.
I'm not sure I've explained this very well, does it make sense at all?
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Re: Postpartum help from MIL/BIL
I think having a 13 yo old boy in my house in the weeks after PP sounds like pure torture. I can't imagine trying to get the hang of nursing, using cold packs on my lady parts, and just all around feeling/looking like a hot mess in front of a young boy- no matter how mature or immature.
I will say- I think while your m/w's plan sounds great in theory (and is how it works in many cultures), I think it's a little unreasonable. In some cultures, other women fawn over and do everything to help the new mom and baby, but unfortunately, that doesn't really happen here. I think unless your MIL and mom are willing and able to come over and help, don't push it. You'll be okay by yourself, especially after the first few days home. I know the idea is for you to get some rest while they're there, and to be able to focus on baby, not housework and cooking, but honestly, it might be easier to just have your mom or MIL come over to help with a load of laundry or cook dinner, than have them there the whole time.
That seems well, unnecessary. I definitely wouldn't want a 13 year old boy around during recovery, immature or not. Perhaps I just had a really easy recovery with DS and to be fair, he was in the NICU for the first month, but I didn't need that much help and don't think I would have needed someone around full time regardless.
What I do recommend:
Housekeeper to clean once a week if you can afford it.
Someone to come by your house for a few hours in the morning/mid-day to hold the baby and give you a chance to shower and nap (bringing you baby to nurse if you're nursing).
DH/MIL/Mom to run laundry as needed, chop fruit/veggies for snacks, cook dinner, make sandwiches, grocery shop, clean up the kitchen at the end of the day, etc. Aside from dinner, most of this can be done for a few days at a time.
I'd also get a number of quick and easy meals to have around...I hit Trader Joes up before DS came home from the NICU and will be doing that next weekend or having DH do it when we bring DD home from the hospital this time - stocked up on frozen quiches, mac & cheese, tacquitos, chicken & rice bowls, etc. They're not the absolute best meals ever, but are nice to have around on days when you need to eat something quick and don't have help around.
This won't read the way I want it but I honestly can't think of a better way to phrase it. Please read it with the best humor you can.--I find it funny that PP help from family is unnecessary to you but a paid housekeeper isn't. We see the world very differently.
I shower at night which DH will be home for and as for being brought the baby, she will be in my room already so that isn't necessary.
I honestly hadn't thought about the aspect of him being a young boy and me dealing with my lady issues. That might be a fantastic way to explain to my MIL why it wouldn't be all that helpful.
THANKS.
BIL is homeschooled so no, he doesn't need to be in school.
DH gets the laundry done as is. and I'm getting emails about meals from people at my church already.
And yeah, I'm not planning on having help 24/7 but they *are* willing to help out and both offered their time. I'm not having to push this on either of them. My MIL suggested the idea because she thinks it is an imposition on my mom which it isn't. She is sooooo thrilled to be around me an the baby.
I can see where you're coming from, but don't think you read my response the way I intended. I think post partem help from family or friends is really useful - that's what most of my post was - how (IMO) they can be useful. I just don't think it is necessary full time. In my case, I didn't have (or want to spend) the energy to straighten-up much or really clean my house - scrubbing toilets and showers was not in my post-partem motivation levels. Had my family been willing/able to do so, I would have happily had them around, but none of them actually did a good job of cleaning up after themselves, let alone taking care of the house which made me MORE stressed. Hence for me, a housekeeper would have been a big help.
The bringing you the baby comment was that it's really nice to be able to put the baby down for an hour or two to take a nap (mine wanted to be held 24-7) and of course, if you're napping and family is holding baby in the living room, they'll need to bring you the baby when baby is hungry.
Ultimately it's about aligning expectations. What do you want/need your family to DO for you post-partem? What do they want/are able to do? If those are aligned, great, but it doesn't sound like you know what you want right now (and I have a hard time thinking about a 13 year old boy doing anything much useful pp).
I wanted mine to help cook/clean up/generally just make things easier for me and hold the baby so I could take the occasional break (shower, nap/short rest, etc). Our families wanted to sit on the couch and hold the baby. They genuinely thought that would be helpful, but really? It wasn't. For short periods yes, but ultimately it meant that I needed to clean up after them, help feed them, and keep taking my baby back away from them when he wanted to eat AGAIN and they didn't think it had been long enough (it hadn't been 3+ hours - babies need schedules say old school parents) so they were trying to settle him in other ways. So for me, a housekeeper would have been useful as would family who helped more with food and who understood that being helpful meant more than just holding baby. They were all thrilled to come and visit and help with baby, they just weren't nearly as helpful as they thought they were.