shower/MIL question

jstrat53

I know it is still kinda early but brace yourself for a shower question.  My mom has graciously offered to throw me a shower but I know she can't afford anything big and since my family is small and DH's family is so big, I was going to just give her a guest list (she asked me to make a guest list for her) that includes my family and our friends.  I told DH about my plan and he agreed it wasn't right for my mom to pay for a big shower in which over half the guests would be his family. 

Should I let DH tell his mom about the shower so she isn't surprised when she finds out we had one without her?  I figured if she wanted, she could throw me a shower herself with DH's family or she could offer to co-host the shower with my mom and we could have one big shower... I don't want it to come across like I am asking for her to throw me a second shower though by letting DH tell her.  What do you guys think?

rosesforme

That sounds tricky because if you have a good relationship with DH's family you don't want to jeopardize that. Could you have your DH casually mention it to your MIL that your mom is having one, but that it doesn't seem possible to invite all of his side because financially that would be hard on your mom? Then you could see if maybe MIL would want to co-host or maybe you could just invite MIL and not the rest of the crew. Kind of see where the conversation goes.

McGibbon51311

Agreed with PP. I would try and have your husband talk to your MIL before you make the decision about having separate showers. By giving her a heads up about the large number of people on both sides of the family and how showers can get expensive, etc etc she may give your husband an idea of what she wants to do. Maybe she'll help co-host the party or maybe she wants a separate one for your husband's side of the family. If you do end up having separate ones, I would recommend that you leave it open for the mothers of each side to go to the opposite party - ie. if your mother throws a shower, invite your MIL but tell her no present necessary, you just want her to be included. 

vanillacourage

I would set all this aside for another couple months as it's way too early to be down to details like a specific guest list.  I know that once I was showing & everyone knew we were pregnant, people started making comments like, "oh, who's having your shower, I'd love to help", etc - your DH's side of the family having a separate shower for you may evolve without you ever having to have an awkward conversation with your MIL. 

kiarstin

I would have both host, and give them both things to do, does you mom like cooking or decorating, give her a task she loves.  Its a time to share anyway.  There are two grandmas and one is not more important than the other they both need to be able to share.  I would talk to my mother in law...If she offered to host as well, and see if they could do it jointly, and you delegate task so they dont step on each other toes.

greengirl0909

I'd just address it 100% honestly with MIL like you did with us. Tell her you don't expect her to throw you a shower but this is the situation you're in and ask her if she has thoughts. Give her your suggestions/options about handling it. 

FWIW, even if you don't invite the extended family, MIL should be invited to the shower. 

TheMutleys

Technically speaking, I believe that your mom shouldn't be throwing you a shower as a matter of etiquette.  It is really early to be thinking about who is or isn't going to host your shower.  People will offer to help out.  I would stay away from saying anything to your MIL for now.  If she asks about a shower, say that your mom was hoping to throw one and that you are sure that she would love MIL's help.

I do agree with the poster who said that even if the rest of your DH's family isn't invited, your MIL should be.  

Also, how big are you talking?  In the interest of family relations, I would invite all family members.  Then, I would help my mom out with the shower.  She would still host but I would offer to bring some food or treats. 

I would also check with your mom to see what she was thinking in terms of the guest.  Do you know for a fact that she wasn't planning on having your DH's family?

I don't think that showers need to be expensive.  You can have a very nice party for a larger group without spending a lot of money.