Theoretical question about when our LO's hit the teen years

vtkgirl77

I was thinking about this the other day and I was just wondering what others' responses would be. What will you do if your LO confides something in you and asks you not to tell the other parent? I'm thinking about things like: I want to get on birth control or want to buy condoms. I did sexual things or had sex with someone. I tried alcohol/cigarettes/drugs. In other words, things that you would like to know as a parent that is going on but that you can understand them maybe not wanting the other parent to know. Do you lie to the kid and tell the other parent? Or do you tell the kid that you won't keep things from the other parent at the risk of them not telling you? Or do you and your spouse agree that some things can be kept with one parent and not shared with the other? How would you feel if you spouse kept something from you?

vtkgirl77

As with everything, it depends on the specific situation. Since I have girls and since I hope to foster a good relationship with them, I'm hoping that they would come to me to tell me things like this. I'm guessing that they may feel more comfortable talking to me about these types of subjects because I'm a woman and also because I tend to be more level-headed than DH.

I feel like it would be really hard for me to keep things from DH and I think it's important in a marriage to be open. Plus, I'm a horrible liar. I think I would tell my child that I may tell DH part of what is going on but not necessarily all of the details and that I will ask DH not to bring it up and discuss it with them (unless they bring it up with him). As far as my DH not telling me something important that the kids share with him, I don't think I would be happy about it because I'm a control freak. But I guess if he gave me the high level of what they said and left the details out, maybe that would be okay (although my inquiring mind would want all of the details).

Oh, and I totally hope my girls are not having sex, drinking, doing drugs, etc. while teenagers but if that does happen, I think I'd want to know so I can at least offer my advice. Kids are doing things younger and younger these days and it scares me.

Sofka

I have thought about this too. I told something to my Dad (many years ago) and to this day, I believe he did not tell my Mom (it was neither of the above scenarios). And I think, what if my kids told my DH something, would he not tell me also? As a child, I am very glad that he can keep my confidence but as a parent, I want to know everything!

So, my answer is - I don't know!!

 

vtkgirl77

Sofka:

I have thought about this too. I told something to my Dad (many years ago) and to this day, I believe he did not tell my Mom (it was neither of the above scenarios). And I think, what if my kids told my DH something, would he not tell me also? As a child, I am very glad that he can keep my confidence but as a parent, I want to know everything!

So, my answer is - I don't know!!

 

See, I didn't even think about how it was when I was a teen. My mom and dad were divorced by that time and I told my dad some stuff that I wouldn't have told my mom but since they were divorced, they wouldn't share that information. I guess I shouldn't assume that just because I have girls that they are going to tell me stuff. Maybe they'll be telling DH and not me like we did with our parents.

doggylovr

my kids are never going to be teens...end of story:-) I can't even think about that yet!!! haha but I know I probably should

belizeitornot

doggylovr:

my kids are never going to be teens...end of story:-) I can't even think about that yet!!! haha but I know I probably should

hahah, i like this line of thinking!

i think it depends on what it is. but DH and I don't keep secrets from each other, certainly I don't want to start that where our kids are concerned, so I'd probably tell him. with the caveat that he keep it to himself.

Artslvr

Yeah, I'm with pp, my kids will be 4, 2 and 9 months forever, right!?

Even though my mom was the really strict one, and my dad was the calmer parent, for some reason I did tell my mom stuff instead of my dad because she was a girl.

Not saying my kids will do that, but there was something "woman to woman" between me and my mom, that when I told her stuff that was really serious she took it well - and most decidedly told my dad - but then dealt with me herself.  Sort of like - I knew she told him, and she knew she told him, but he never mentioned it.

I kind of like that scenario.

QueSrah

Artslvr:

Not saying my kids will do that, but there was something "woman to woman" between me and my mom, that when I told her stuff that was really serious she took it well - and most decidedly told my dad - but then dealt with me herself.  Sort of like - I knew she told him, and she knew she told him, but he never mentioned it.

I kind of like that scenario.

I can see doing that.  I don't think I could promise not to tell DH, even if it was something T didn't want to directly discuss with him herself.  (Though it would be kind of crazy for her to tell me and not want her dad to know - he was a lot crazier as a teen than I, so I expect I'll be the more judgmental one re. sex/drugs/alcohol.) 

Hey Jellisy

I remember all of the wonderful daydreams I had before DD was born about how lovely it was going to be.  Oh, in my day dreams I imagined a fussy child (easily soothed of course) and other problems - but those daydreams were a cake walk compared to the day in and day out reality of being a mom.  I'm afraid to even think about the teenage years.  Who knows how much worse than my imagination things will be. 

mommmyz

My dad kept a secret from my mom for me, and then she found out about a year later - and it resulted in a huge blow up. I gave myself away, it wasn't my dad's fault, but she was NOT happy that he kept it from her, obviously.

I think it's situational  for me - talking about girlfriends/boyfriends, feelings, etc. is way different than drinking/drugs, etc. I would not want to keep those things from DH because I'd want his help in making decisions about what to do next.

However, this is all not going to matter, because DS is going to just be so cute and little forever! I can barely wrap my brain around kindergarten!

zeptattoo

I run into this all of the time since I work in a HS.  Here is what I'm thinking:  if it is something that has already happened (I tried alcohol, I did this..that) then they are probably telling you to get it off their chest.  They feel guilty about it.  So, if they don't want the other parent to know, there is a reason for that.  It is not earth-shattering, so there is no need to break that confidence.  However, if you know you have to tell the other parent because it is something big, the kid needs to know that and why upfront.  If you go behind their back, that trust is gone.

Since Snuggle is a boy, it really would not suprise me if DH knew more about him than I did.  Like I said, as long as it is something that is not going to change our lives, then they can keep that between them.  There is a big difference between "I had sex" and "I had sex and now have an STD."

DCtoLowcountry

I would trust my DH to use his discretion if he felt a secret needed to be kept from me. It would be very hard for me not to tell my DH. Basically, I agree that whatever the agreement is it should be kept to honor the child's trust - if one parent not be told, or one parent states that's something she can't keep in confidence.

bh2720

::plugs ears and sings LA LA LA LA LA LA::

mah baybay will never grow up!!!!!!!!!