Single Parents

Not knowing if its mine or not...

I am not sure if there is a section on this site for men to post things and discuss topics but I am in a crazy situation where I don't know if I am the father or not until we get the DNA test. Obviously I have never been in this situation before and I have no idea what to expect. I have received some legal advice given to me by my lawyer on how to proceed If I need their services.

I will say that if the tests come back saying its mine then I will take care of my responsibilities as every man should. I was just wondering if any men on here has been through this or any of you women know of any men that has gone through this and have any thing to add or suggest. Me and the girl get along but we don't see eye to eye on everything like parenting skills for example.

I have decided earlier on, that i wasn't gonna do anything to become attached the child during her pregnancy for the simple fact, I just don't know. Its either his, or its mine! She is due soon and I can't even go out and buy baby stuff or prepare a room in my house for the baby until I know for sure via a legal document if its mine. 

For now I just have to sit and wait. She wants me in the room when she gives birth which is odd because I won't know the results of the test till about 2 days after she gives birth. I told her I would wait in the waiting room and come in afterwards and she didn't like that saying if I wasn't in there during the procedure then don't come to the hospital at all. Crazy right? 

My situation is just messed up to say the least. 

 So if anyone knows of someone that has been in this situation before and has something to add that I should or shouldn't do, I'd like to hear from you.

Thanks! 

Re: Not knowing if its mine or not...

  • Did she decline an amnio paternity test? 

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  • I know not knowing is tough but would it hurt to go in the delivery room?  What if the baby is yours will you be ok not having experienced his or her birth?  I can understand about not getting attached.  I am female by the way. I can only advise you to follow your heart.  Good luck with your situation and I hope you will get some good advice on this site. 
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  • imagetaparham:
    I know not knowing is tough but would it hurt to go in the delivery room?  What if the baby is yours will you be ok not having experienced his or her birth?  I can understand about not getting attached.  I am female by the way. I can only advise you to follow your heart.  Good luck with your situation and I hope you will get some good advice on this site. 

    I second being present for the birth. Hey, you might not want to see her pushing, that's fine. But I would be there that day to meet the baby. Honestly, it's going to take more than seeing the baby once to get attached (or at least in my opinion - I had a hard time after delivery bonding with my children).

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  • If you don't feel comfortable being in the delivery room, she should understand. The only advice I can give you, DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING until you have gotten the results of the paternity test back.
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  • I'm sorry you are in that situation. I can't imagine not knowing.

    As for being in the room, if the child IS yours, would you want to be there? Are you willing to take the risk? 

    I hope all goes well for you.

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  • imageAngiesmommy:
    If you don't feel comfortable being in the delivery room, she should understand. The only advice I can give you, DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING until you have gotten the results of the paternity test back.

     

    I second that!  This must be a horrible situation for you to be in.  I would really think about the delivery room.  I understand where you are coming from.  Go with your gut, if you for sure dont' feel comfortable then do what you feel you need to do for you.  Your LO will not be upset one day because you weren't in the room when he/she was born.  How does your family feel about this situation?  Are they being supportive?  It is good that you and your childs mother get along.  That will be important if he/she is yours.  You won't always see eye to eye, but if you can get along and work as a team a majority of the time....that is awesome!  Good luck!

  • Thank you for all the replies. I have been contemplating being in the room for some time now and I have to say If I find out after the fact the baby is mine, and I chose not to be there, I would be upset with myself. Some say thats not a big deal and the baby won't know if you were there or not but I don't have an issue with being there but again it does feel awkward not knowing. 

    My immediate family knows about this situation but nobody else not my co-workers, nor many of my friends for that matter. So it will be a HUGE shock to a lot of people if it turns out to be mine. They are all left in the dark on purpose for the simple fact I have no idea how this is going to turn out.

    I also agree that I will NOT sign anything until I know...that was one thing the lawyer stressed!!

    The only thing I can do now is just pray and hope for the best...thanks again for your comments! 

  • That sounds like a horrible situation to have to sit and wait.  My advice would be to proceed with your actions as if it's yours for now (no, don't sign anything, but be there for the birth if you wish to be, buy and outfit, etc.).  Yes if it's not yours it will be hard to let go of some of those feelings and move on with your life, but IMO that will be easier than if it IS yours and you chose not to be part of the pregnancy or birth or those special first days.  You don't need to set up a room in your house for quite a long time, but I'd be there and be interested and attend any events that you feel you'd deeply regret if you found out later that the baby was yours.
    J1 1.19.07
    J2 11.17.08
  • It sounds like a difficult situation.  Everyone has given great advice as far as not signing anything - I guess worst-case scenario - if you are there in the room and the baby is not yours, then you have witnessed the (messy) miracle of birth, and been there to support someone who is probably as freaked out as you are.

    My advice for being in the room and all that...  My ex-husband and I were separated when I had our younger daughter.  I debated letting him in the room to the last minute.  Not really crazy, but it's an extremely emotionally and physically draining time, and stress can stall labor and cause complications.  So, if you're there, just do whatever the pregnant lady wants (as long as you don't sign anything).

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  • I can only imagine how you feel. I am currently in an odd situation myself and have been juggling a lot of mixed emotions. Background: Pregnant, live with my best friend (male & the ex) but the baby is not his and there is no "father" in the picture. Ooh what a whirl wind.

    From all the wonderful things people have posted, the one thing I didn't notice was; what you would like the outcome to really be. I understand manning up and being there for the baby if it is yours, but in the end, if it isn't, are you going to be heart broken or sad? Since you get along with the mother, would you be willing to be a male influence in the babies life if the other guy doesn't share your view on fatherhood?

    We are our own worst enemies, so if you know that you will be upset with yourself for missing the birth, should the baby end up yours, I would suggest being there. If it isn't, at least you have the knowledge in your heart that you were there from the very beginning and no one can accuse you of not caring.

    Best of Luck!!

     

  • I'm sorry.  I am currently putting someone through something similar, tho wough I am like ninety seven percent sure who the father is.  From a woman's perspective, it is nice for you to be there as much as you can, but also as much as you feel comfortable with.  Right now, the unlikely choiceis being supportive and the more likely one is saying that he can't have a child right now.  What would you prefer - that it is yours or not.  Right now I'm holding on to that little three percent because I want a father for my child.  Good luck and God Bless.

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