How did you know it was over?
Hello, I feel silly for dumping this on the internet for a bunch of strangers, but you ladies seem pretty grounded (I have been lurking for a while) and I am too uncomfortable to share this with anyone face to face yet.
My husband and I have been having a very hard time since before I became pregnant. Our relationship has been a series of ups and downs (mostly financial), and I think that I am finally just too worn out to grin and bear it. Everything in our relationship has happened VERY early. We started dating shortly after meeting, moved in within 2 months, and found out I was pregnant after about 3 months. After not even a year of dating we got married, mostly to appease my parents'. I realize this could kill any relationship, but I always thought we could work past it because we truly cared for one another.
I have been worried since the beginning, but more so now that my daughter is here. I always thought that if I worked hard at it, things would get better and years down the road I would look back and be glad I hadn't thrown in the towel. Now I am not so sure. We have had plenty of "bad" fights, but because they happened less and less closer to my due date I just chalked it up to the pregnancy. Unfortunately, more recently, we've had a few more and yesterday was especially awful.
I don't know if this feeling is from guilt over feeling like a bad mom because of the fight (my daughter was in her bouncer in the room when it happened), or if I really don't want to be with my husband any more. If fights like yesterday happen again, then I feel like I will need to separate for my daughter's sake. I know all marriages aren't perfect, but I am so scared of affecting her. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place: if I stay and our fights spiral- then I'm hurting her, but if I leave and pull apart a family that could be happy- I'm also hurting her.
I feel like he's rough enough that it leaves me a little scraped up, but no worse for the wear, but not enough that I am scared he would ever hurt her. He has criticized me as a mother while holding her, but I don't know if he would do the same thing when she's old enough to understand what he is saying. I am not perfect either, but feel like I am a good mom. I've tried hard since finding out I was pregnant to change bad habits so they will not affect her, and to make a better situation for her, but am not sure how much change he's done (I could be so caught up in my own victim that I can't tell?). I'm talking to a counselor, but he refuses to go and is especially against couples therapy.
Any advice on this matter would be wonderful. How did you know when it was time to leave? Sorry if that's a stupid question. I've never felt like this, and have no idea how to sort out my true feelings...
Re: How did you know it was over?
Is he being physically abusive? You didn't come out and say it, but that's the impression I got from reading your post. If that's the case, you need to leave and leave now. You're in a toxic and dangerous environment -- do not wait around with the hopes that things will get better.
It sounds like you got married for all the wrong reasons and you have no desire to stay married to the man that is your husband. I know it's difficult to think about your DD coming from a "broken" home, but it's far better than staying in one. Trust me.
But, to answer your question...I knew my marriage was over when STBXH had to have his GF drive him (and our son) back to my house because he had been drinking. He only had DS with him for a few hours at a family Christmas event, but he couldn't bother to refrain from drinking that long even though he knew he had to drive DS home. And then to have the audacity to have his GF bring them to my house?! Hell to the no. I was done. That was the nail in the coffin for me. We had already been separated for 4 months by this point, but that was it for me. I filed for divorce a few weeks later (after the holidays).
I knew it was over when XH went from only abusing me to abusing our daughter; I've never looked back. There were a lot of other things that went into it, but seeing him abuse our daughter gave me the strength and will to leave.
Regarding your situation, I'm a little confused by your statement about your H being rough and leaving you a little scraped up; is he being physically abusive to you? If so, then I would leave now. There is never any excuse for abuse of any kind (physical, verbal, emotional, etc.) and I truly believe that no amount of counseling will change that. If I were you I would definitely continue to talk to your counselor and be very honest and open with them. At this point I wouldn't really worry about him not going because you need to realize that you can't make him change and you can only control you.
I was going to suggest counseling until I got to the part where it sounds like he's been physical. This behavior WILL escalate and it isn't healthy for your daughter to be around. She will see that her mother is being subjected to that behavior and think that it's ok.
I knew it was time to leave because I had tried everything. I also found out my husband had been living a double life. There was verbal and emotional abuse but little to no physical, but abuse is abuse is abuse. It's all the same. And none of it is acceptable.
I knew it was over when I got divorce papers in the mail from STBXH of 7 years
He has never been physically, or verbally abusive but we have grown apart and have been separated since June. Best of luck to you hun! Stay strong!
Julie
DD 1-30-10
When my XH told me, when I was seven months pregnant, that "he just didn't feel like being married anymore." And then he moved into the same apartment complex where his homewrecking GF lived. I filed for divorce about a month after YDD was born.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I just ended it with DH yesterday. My story of trouble starts back in December. DH told me he was having an affair right before Christmas. I kicked him out on January 2nd. The affair ended and things seemed to be ok. Then I found out about affair number 2 and 3. In May I filed for divorce. In June he came back begging for one more chance. We started talking and "dating" again. Last week he started acting weird again and I called him on it. He denied that there was anything going on. Sooooo, Sunday night we had a dinner date and everything was going fine. I tagged him on Facebook with me at Outback. He was not real happy about it. Monday morning I realized that he had deleted it from his wall. I called him and confronted him again and once again he denied knowing anything about it. I decided to post on his facebook that I really enjoyed our dinner and hoped he had a good day. He deleted it and called me saying I was "pissing" on him. That was the finally straw. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was seeing someone or there was someone he was interested in. I ended it and I am at peace with my decision. I am going to let the divorce go through. I am just waiting on a court date now.
I think everyone has their own way of knowing when it is over. If the situation is abusive, I would recommend getting out ASAP. I have been in counseling since January and it has really helped me to get through this and realize that it isnt a problem with me, it is a problem with himself. I have another appointment in the morning and I am really excited to go. Hope this helps.
As everyone else suggested if he is being physically abusive get out NOW.
I knew it was over when STBXH decided that I'm only good for sex and DS is as good as dead.
When I found out he was cheating on me.
If your DH is being abusive, get out now! If he's not, I would always consider counseling first.