Is this tacky?

GamasBabyMama

My SIL was planning my baby shower. She'd been planning since I was 8 weeks. I recently had a spat with her and told her I wasn't comfortable with her throwing the shower anymore and called it off. I wasn't searching for pity, I'm really not comfortable with her doing it. She's been saying a lot of awful things about how we are going about with the birth (water birth) and has been trying to get his parents to kick us out so she can move in. (We temporarily live with his parents until they move out of state. We're taking over the house and she's not happy.) I can't have someone like that hosting my party. My husband wants to throw our own mostly because we really want to celebrate with our friends. Not a huge shower, just a BBQ and cake with buddies. Is this tacky?  

EastCoastBride

Yup.  Tacky.  Spin it all you want, but a SHOWER is about gifts and throwing your own and (in turn) asking for people to give you gifts is tacky.

If you want to 'celebrate', after the baby is here (and everyone can meet him/her), you can throw a "Meet the baby" PARTY

PunkyBooster

Yes.

RoxyLynn

Of course it's tacky.  And you already know that or you wouldn't have asked.

srs5624

EastCoastBride:

Yup.  Tacky.  Spin it all you want, but a SHOWER is about gifts and throwing your own and (in turn) asking for people to give you gifts is tacky.

If you want to 'celebrate', after the baby is here (and everyone can meet him/her), you can throw a "Meet the baby" PARTY

Yep. Tacky as this...

Happily Overwhelmed

You and I are completely in the same boat!!!!

My sister is planning my baby shower. However isn't speaking to me and hasn't for nearly a year now. Doesn't make sense, does it?

So basically she's telling friends/family about the upcoming baby shower (no, invites haven't been sent yet). I'm horribly uncomfortable with her throwing a shower for me. Actually I'm the only one she hasn't told about the shower. So I have to be the "bad guy" and call the whole thing off.

DH said the same thing about a BBQ. Since people have already been told about a shower...

But I agree with others. It's just too tacky. A "meet the baby" afterwords would be okay but throwing your own shower is just too out of line.

So, I feel your pain.

If you really want the BBQ have a last huray party. Don't mention gifts or the word shower. Celebrate with friends and have one last good time with no children. People might surprise you with gifts or they might not. But at least it'll be a celebration!

Liz4444

srs5624:

EastCoastBride:

Yup.  Tacky.  Spin it all you want, but a SHOWER is about gifts and throwing your own and (in turn) asking for people to give you gifts is tacky.

If you want to 'celebrate', after the baby is here (and everyone can meet him/her), you can throw a "Meet the baby" PARTY

Yep. Tacky as this...

That's fantastic!  If you have to ask, you know the answer.  But if you and your H want to have a BBQ, have a BBQ, but when you invite people, just say you are having a BBQ, don't mention babies or your pregnancy or gifts. 

GamasBabyMama

Thanks, we weren't planning on mentioning our registry with the invites just so it's more of a celebration than a "shower me with gifts and attention" thing. BTW, LOVE the Santa toilet thingy. LOL 

GamasBabyMama

oh, and a Meet the Baby party is completely outta the question. She'll be born in the midst of cold and flu season and around here allergies are hell too. No germs and boogies on my baby. lol

sap05e

When are you due? I'm sure someone else would love to throw you a shower if they find out you aren't having one. I'd be turned off by someone hosting their own shower.

JessieJH

I think you're justified in telling her you don't want a shower, but then I think you should also settle for not having a shower as well. Best of luck though with the living situation and I hope she comes around eventually.

presh116

I total cantly disagree with everyone why cant you throw your own shower it is not tacky in any way and why would it be. Sometimes you have a small fam or none at all. I think it sounds great bbq invite friends Ive been to so many different showers they are all so diff. You can play games or no games and its fine If you get gifts why wouldnt it be so have fun and dont be miserable its fine not tacky and if ppl think it is forget them your close friends will be there they wont think this.....

Liz4444

presh116:

I total cantly disagree with everyone why cant you throw your own shower it is not tacky in any way and why would it be. Sometimes you have a small fam or none at all. I think it sounds great bbq invite friends Ive been to so many different showers they are all so diff. You can play games or no games and its fine If you get gifts why wouldnt it be so have fun and dont be miserable its fine not tacky and if ppl think it is forget them your close friends will be there they wont think this.....

Oh dear lord...

weddingbells2010

presh116:

I total cantly disagree with everyone why cant you throw your own shower it is not tacky in any way and why would it be. Sometimes you have a small fam or none at all. I think it sounds great bbq invite friends Ive been to so many different showers they are all so diff. You can play games or no games and its fine If you get gifts why wouldnt it be so have fun and dont be miserable its fine not tacky and if ppl think it is forget them your close friends will be there they wont think this.....

Okay I'll break it down for you:

1- you can't throw your own shower because it's RUDE.  It's a gift-giving event and to throw your own party and ask for gifts isn't appropriate.

2- Small family or none at all is not a free pass for throwing etiquitte out the window.  A shower is a gift in itself- it is not a right that you are entitled to.

3- I cannot respond to the rest of your comment because I cannot understand it.  Edit for grammar and punctuation and I'll take a stab at it. 

courtneyklv

I agree that you shouldn't throw your own shower. But am curious..what about when people pay for, and basically host, their own wedding? Is that the same?

presh116

Some of you girls on this board are so dumb like to fight and make dumb ass coments grow up like I said I dont see nothing wrong with it at all point blank period obviously you do thats your opinion. like I told her who ever dont like it oh well then there not true friends. And if you have no fam then that means you don't get a baby shower if no one throws it for you come on.

weddingbells2010

presh116:

Some of you girls on this board are so dumb like to fight and make dumb ass coments grow up like I said I dont see nothing wrong with it at all point blank period obviously you do thats your opinion. like I told her who ever dont like it oh well then there not true friends. And if you have no fam then that means you don't get a baby shower if no one throws it for you come on.

Well if that's not the pot calling the kettle black... 

presh116

Good luck gamasbaby I hope whatever happens it is wonderful

Liz4444

presh116:

Some of you girls on this board are so dumb like to fight and make dumb ass coments grow up like I said I dont see nothing wrong with it at all point blank period obviously you do thats your opinion. like I told her who ever dont like it oh well then there not true friends. And if you have no fam then that means you don't get a baby shower if no one throws it for you come on.

Proper etiquette is not our opinion.  Neither is proper grammer and punctuation...

https://www.babyzone.com/pregnancy/baby_showers/article/planning-the-baby-shower-etiquette

Colleen A. Rickenbacher, a business etiquette expert and author of Be on Your Best Business Behavior, does not agree. "Mothers and sisters should not give the shower because it gives the impression that they are asking for gifts for their daughter or sister," she says. "They can always help with the shower but should not initiate or send out the invitations."

And if someone whom you've had issues with in the past offers, or someone who can get your blood boiling on a good day, think hard about letting them host the event. "I would recommend against girlfriend-you-had-falling-out-with-and-recently-made-up-with (now is not the time for her to prove her friendship to you)," Mims says. "In-laws of any type are touch and go. If you are legitimately close to your sister-in-law then by all means have her throw you a shower, but remember, baby showers are not the time to allow her to finally get even for something that may have happened at your wedding. Bottom line: The shower should not be thrown by anyone that might trigger mom-to-be's hormones, bring up old grievances, or create new ones. It is her day and she should be happy."

Mims adds one more person to this list: the mom-to-be. "The shower should be thrown for her, not by her," Mims says.

https://www.lifetoolsforwomen.com/f/baby-shower.htm

Proper Baby Shower Etiquette

By Anne Clarke

The rules of baby shower etiquette are continually changing, but some timeless principles still apply. If you are considering hosting a baby shower, following are the basic rules of baby shower etiquette:

Who should host the baby shower?

Traditionally, friends or co-workers have held baby showers, but it is becoming more and more common for close family members to, as well. The rule of thumb is, if you want to throw a shower, go for it! This applies to everyone except for the parents to be.

https://www.babyshower101.com/baby_shower_etiquette.html

Who Hosts the Baby Shower: Historically, the baby shower was hosted by someone outside of the family (friend, co-worker, symbolic Aunt). Today, anyone other than the Mommy-To-Be and her mom can throw a baby shower for her friend or family member! It is most common for the Best Friend, Aunt, or sister to throw the Mommy-To-Be the baby shower! It is becoming more common for co-workers, cousins, groups of friends, or church/temple friends to throw the shower and much appreciated.

I could keep going if you really want me to...

NewFamily09

weddingbells2010:

presh116:

Some of you girls on this board are so dumb like to fight and make dumb ass coments grow up like I said I dont see nothing wrong with it at all point blank period obviously you do thats your opinion. like I told her who ever dont like it oh well then there not true friends. And if you have no fam then that means you don't get a baby shower if no one throws it for you come on.

Well if that's not the pot calling the kettle black... 

My thoughts exactly.  So how's 5th grade going?  Are they going to teach you how to use periods and capital letters this year?

rhubarb123

If you have to ask if it is tacky then I think you already know the answer...YEP it's tacky to throw your own shower.  If you want to just have a get together BBQ (party) then have one but don't even hint that it is a shower.  Hopefully your SIL hasn't spent a lot of money buying stuff for the shower you had agreed to her hosting. 

mlemonroe2

Maybe you could get your hubby to ask a friend or other family member to throw one for you.  You souldn't have one yourself and ask for gifts.

Liz4444

mlemonroe2:

Maybe you could get your hubby to ask a friend or other family member to throw one for you.  You souldn't have one yourself and ask for gifts.

Asking someone to throw a party for you IS asking for gifts.  A shower is a gift, not a rite.

Liz4444

OP, I'm sorry that your thread has turned into this.  Based on your responses, it seems to me as though you really do understand proper etiquette and want to do the right thing and not be rude. 

plroland88

i swear these women on these posts...

NO its not tacky! i think its cute your husband wants to throw your shower!! i wish mine would! plus on top of the situation your in, its prob the best. go for it!! just make gifts mandatory!! lol 

Liz4444

plroland88:

i swear these women on these posts...

NO its not tacky! i think its cute your husband wants to throw your shower!! i wish mine would! plus on top of the situation your in, its prob the best. go for it!! just make gifts mandatory!! lol 

Your husband throwing you a shower is the SAME THING as throwing your own shower.  Why is that such a hard concept to comprehend?

backinpgh

Is it just a coincidence that the people who have poor etiquette are also rather inarticulate?

OP, I understand your situation but it seems like moving on without a shower is the best thing here. If you have a close friend nearby  you could tell them how you and your sister had a falling out so the shower has been cancelled, and how sad you are, and hopefully they will feel bad and take the reigns. Or what about your MIL?

mlkauffman

It's not 1950 anymore! I'm in a similar boat! Its not tacky! Why can't you have a nice party? Everyone deserves a get together of their liking. Not everyone has a friend or family member that has the money or can throw a party for the mom to be. Its silly in my eyes to be mean and rude to people that want a shower but have no one to throw it for them. You are asking for gifts no matter if you buy the cake or your Bff does. Its a special time for mom and being mean to other bumpies isn't the answer be supportive. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I respect that but please try being nicer about it.

GamasBabyMama

Ok, thanks for the opinions and support but all this etiquette talk is rather ironic since most of you are being really bitchy towards each other. (Some even to me.) Also, I said it was a celebration, not a shower. We're not asking for gifts. I said that. I agree w/ presh, our close friends will understand and even w/o asking, they'll bring one. *sigh* Please be nice to each other from this point on. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. 

Ms.Jade

presh116:

Some of you girls on this board are so dumb like to fight and make dumb ass coments grow up like I said I dont see nothing wrong with it at all point blank period obviously you do thats your opinion. like I told her who ever dont like it oh well then there not true friends. And if you have no fam then that means you don't get a baby shower if no one throws it for you come on.

See, she "don't see nothing wrong with it" OP. This is the person you want to take advice from. Right here with her 4th grade writing level and all. The fact that this person thinks it sounds like a great idea should have you running in the opposite direction! 

ldeo

This post has been edited by a moderator
to remove the redirecting hyperlink spam

ldeo

This post has been edited by a moderator
to remove the redirecting hyperlink spam

PLEASE STOP SPAMMING THE BOARDS

annily81

srs5624:

EastCoastBride:

Yup.  Tacky.  Spin it all you want, but a SHOWER is about gifts and throwing your own and (in turn) asking for people to give you gifts is tacky.

If you want to 'celebrate', after the baby is here (and everyone can meet him/her), you can throw a "Meet the baby" PARTY

Yep. Tacky as this...

LOL, that toilet is... amazing.  I'm all for a little holiday decor throughout the house, but who wants to lift up Santa's face to take a dump?  Yikes.  :-P

rosebud218

mlkauffman:

It's not 1950 anymore! I'm in a similar boat! Its not tacky! Why can't you have a nice party? Everyone deserves a get together of their liking. Not everyone has a friend or family member that has the money or can throw a party for the mom to be. Its silly in my eyes to be mean and rude to people that want a shower but have no one to throw it for them. You are asking for gifts no matter if you buy the cake or your Bff does. Its a special time for mom and being mean to other bumpies isn't the answer be supportive. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I respect that but please try being nicer about it.

 

Agree!! Throw your own party!!

Liz4444

I'm done, you can't reason with stupid. 

OP, you were given some very good advice by some very smart people at the beginning of this thread.  Please listen to them.  Good luck.

MySallyGirl

presh116:

I total cantly disagree with everyone why cant you throw your own shower it is not tacky in any way and why would it be. Sometimes you have a small fam or none at all. I think it sounds great bbq invite friends Ive been to so many different showers they are all so diff. You can play games or no games and its fine If you get gifts why wouldnt it be so have fun and dont be miserable its fine not tacky and if ppl think it is forget them your close friends will be there they wont think this.....

 Use spelling or punctuation much?  

EvenAngelsFall

MySallyGirl:

presh116:

I total cantly disagree with everyone why cant you throw your own shower it is not tacky in any way and why would it be. Sometimes you have a small fam or none at all. I think it sounds great bbq invite friends Ive been to so many different showers they are all so diff. You can play games or no games and its fine If you get gifts why wouldnt it be so have fun and dont be miserable its fine not tacky and if ppl think it is forget them your close friends will be there they wont think this.....

 Use spelling or punctuation much?  

I find it hilarious that the only people who think its ok to throw your own shower are people who can't spell, punctuate, or capitalize fo sh!t!!!!

greengirl0909

You can have a "we're having a baby party" but you can't call it a shower and you should request no giftts. Otherwise, tacky.

PunkyBooster

presh116:

I total cantly disagree with everyone why cant you throw your own shower it is not tacky in any way and why would it be. Sometimes you have a small fam or none at all. I think it sounds great bbq invite friends Ive been to so many different showers they are all so diff. You can play games or no games and its fine If you get gifts why wouldnt it be so have fun and dont be miserable its fine not tacky and if ppl think it is forget them your close friends will be there they wont think this.....

What? Let's try this again. 

I totally disagree with everyone. Why can't you throw your own shower? It is not tacky in any way. Why would it be? Sometimes you have a small family or none at all. I think a BBQ with your friends sounds great. I've been to so many showers and they are all so different. You can play games or choose not to. It is fine to get gifts. Why wouldn't it be? So have fun and don't be miserable. It is fine and not tacky and if people think it is, forget them. Your close friends will be there and will not think these things.

presh116:

Some of you girls on this board are so dumb like to fight and make dumb ass coments grow up like I said I dont see nothing wrong with it at all point blank period obviously you do thats your opinion. like I told her who ever dont like it oh well then there not true friends. And if you have no fam then that means you don't get a baby shower if no one throws it for you come on.

Again. Let's try again!

Some of you girls on this board are so dumb. You like to fight and make dumbass comments. Grow up. Like I said, I don't see aything wrong with it at all. Obviously you do, so that is your opinion. Like I told her (the OP), whoever doesn't like it, well, then they are not true friends. If you have no family, then that means you don't get a baby shower if your friends do not throw one for you. Come on. 

 

Who, exactly, are you calling dumb, presh? Because I know 3 year olds who can speak better than you can. 

reason00

srs5624:

EastCoastBride:

Yup.  Tacky.  Spin it all you want, but a SHOWER is about gifts and throwing your own and (in turn) asking for people to give you gifts is tacky.

If you want to 'celebrate', after the baby is here (and everyone can meet him/her), you can throw a "Meet the baby" PARTY

Yep. Tacky as this...

 

 

I wanna shiit on santa.

Natalie3398

Yes you cannot host your own shower. It's so tacky and if you are worried about your SIl now wait till everyone gets the invite. They might be so annoyed and now show.