Hello, I am new to this group but I have been dealing with PPD, Anxiety and I guess regular depression for a long time now. I should also add that I suffer from insomnia and my sleeping pattern is really jacked up. Sleep aides don't work. I am a stay at home mommy with no motivation to do anything. It's a struggle to even get out of bed in the morning. My son was born last April. Before I got pregnant I had been on zoloft for a few years due to my father's battle with cancer, which saddly he lost a month and a half before my son was born. At the time I didn't have a chance to deal with my sadness and grieving because I felt I had to stay healthy for my baby, plus as the oldest sibling I had to take charge of the arrangements and all the other things that go along with the passing of a parent as my mother completely fell apart when my dad died. Now, I should add that I did go off the Zoloft when I found out I was pregnant at the advice of my OB since I had been feeling really good and we didn't think I needed it anymore. Pregnancy went more or less well and delivery was a breeze. I was ok for the first few weeks then the "baby blues" set in. They just never left and I kept feeling worse. I felt like a failure as a parent. Nothing went the way I expected it to. I REALLY wanted to breastfeed and it never quite worked out. I tried pumping only to have my milk dry up after a month. I felt like I was in a downward spiral. It's now a year later and I am still in a downward spiral. Iam afraid that my son isn't meeting his milestones and I don't know what to do to help him or me. I have seen a psych Dr. only to feel a huge disconnect from him after a few visits. All of the different meds I tried seemed to work in the beginning only for me to fall right back into my old patterns. I even had a "desperate cry" for help in December that I felt didn't give me the help I needed. Now I am trying to find a new Dr. and there is a very limited selection with very limited hours. My husband is at a complete loss as to what to do or how to deal with me. Our marriage is failing due to this and I'm afraid of him leaving me. I don't spend much time with my son because I don't feel that I am good enough for him or that I am a good parent. Thankfully my mother is right here trying to help me as much as she can, but I can see she is getting burned out, and even she doesn't know what to do with me anymore. I continually have negative thoughts and regrets and never feel up to the task of being a mother. I never thought I would go through something like this and I feel defective and useless. This is never how I imagined myself as a mother. Please, I am at my wits end and I don't know what to do or where to turn anymore. I just want to get better for the sake of my child and my family.