PPD. Need help/advice (sorry, long) — The Bump
Postpartum Depression

PPD. Need help/advice (sorry, long)

Hello, I am new to this group but I have been dealing with PPD, Anxiety and I guess regular depression for a long time now. I should also add that I suffer from insomnia and my sleeping pattern is really jacked up. Sleep aides don't work. I am a stay at home mommy with no motivation to do anything. It's a struggle to even get out of bed in the morning. My son was born last April. Before I got pregnant I had been on zoloft for a few years due to my father's battle with cancer, which saddly he lost a month and a half before my son was born. At the time I didn't have a chance to deal with my sadness and grieving because I felt I had to stay healthy for my baby, plus as the oldest sibling I had to take charge of the arrangements and all the other things that go along with the passing of a parent as my mother completely fell apart when my dad died. Now, I should add that I did go off the Zoloft when I found out I was pregnant at the advice of my OB since I had been feeling really good and we didn't think I needed it anymore. Pregnancy went more or less well and delivery was a breeze. I was ok for the first few weeks then the "baby blues" set in. They just never left and I kept feeling worse. I felt like a failure as a parent. Nothing went the way I expected it to. I REALLY wanted to breastfeed and it never quite worked out. I tried pumping only to have my milk dry up after a month. I felt like I was in a downward spiral. It's now a year later and I am still in a downward spiral. Iam afraid that my son isn't meeting his milestones and I don't know what to do to help him or me. I have seen a psych Dr. only to feel a huge disconnect from him after a few visits. All of the different meds I tried seemed to work in the beginning only for me to fall right back into my old patterns. I even had a "desperate cry" for help in December that I felt didn't give me the help I needed. Now I am trying to find a new Dr. and there is a very limited selection with very limited hours. My husband is at a complete loss as to what to do or how to deal with me. Our marriage is failing due to this and I'm afraid of him leaving me. I don't spend much time with my son because I don't feel that I am good enough for him or that I am a good parent. Thankfully my mother is right here trying to help me as much as she can, but I can see she is getting burned out, and even she doesn't know what to do with me anymore. I continually have negative thoughts and regrets and never feel up to the task of being a mother. I never thought I would go through something like this and I feel defective and useless. This is never how I imagined myself as a mother. Please, I am at my wits end and I don't know what to do or where to turn anymore. I just want to get better for the sake of my child and my family.

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Re: PPD. Need help/advice (sorry, long)

  • ((hugs))  You are not alone.  As bad as you feel about yourself, know that your son loves you and he knows that you love him too.  You're doing exactly what you should be doing - you sought out help, you're trying medication.  It may not be working quite as well as you hoped, but you will get there.  Just don't stop trying.   

    As far as your son's milestones; what does his pediatrician say?  Here is a website with different activities that you can do, geared towards developing milestones based on age.  Pick a few and just play with your son.  I've found that when I'm really upset, one-on-one time with my babies helps me feel "better."  I'm still depressed, but I don't feel like a failure as a mother all of the time.  I 

    http://www.fisher-price.com/fp.aspx?st=2322&e=activityDetail&cid=33346&cminAge=0&cmaxAge=72&ctypecode=np&ccat=play_and_learn&minRelAge=12&maxRelAge=18    

    As far as your marriage is concerned, do you guys have anyone that you can go to for marriage counseling?  A therapist or a religious figure (priest, etc.)?  I'm sure that it's frustrating for your H since you're in pain and he doesn't know what he can do to help.  When H and I went through our counseling sessions, early on in our marriage, the first thing our therapist had us do was write down a list of what we needed from the other person.  Articulating our needs allowed us to focus on what we could do to help the other person.  Try it.  Figure out what he can do for you to support you through this, and have him make a list of what he needs for you, too.  The key is to articulate it; you can't just say "support me" because that doesn't tell the other person HOW you want them to support you, ya know? 

    I won't attempt to attempt to understand the depth of your depression, but I can say that, for me, I know when I'm having an angry day or a depressed day.  I can't always affect how I feel, but I can usually say, "honey, today's an angry day"  and he knows what that means - don't antagnoize me and try not to take anything that I say too personally.  For my part, I try to recognize when I'm about to make a snarky comment about how the dishes aren't done or the laundry is all over the floor, and say instead, "Wow, honey.  Looks like you had a rough day..."  

    Every day I make a conscious effort to not let the PPD beat me.  I try to remind myself that how I feel isn't really how I FEEL.  It doesn't always work, but some days it does, and you know what?  The days that it does work outnumber the days that it doesn't.  I hope that maybe it works for you, too. 

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  • I agree with PP that you are doing the right thing in seeking help.  I don't have an y additional advice, but I wanted to say that I hope you are able to find something that works well for you.  You will be in my prayers ~hugs~
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