Anyone with a similar story want to share? PTSD/Traumatic birth/NICU
leneae10
member
I'm pretty sure what I'm feeling isn't normal. I have daily flashbacks of my LO's birth (emergency c/s due to no fetal movement). I have a history of loss and had a complicated pregnancy. We almost lost him at near full term (35 weeks). He had lost almost all his blood, was severely anemic and was in respiratory distress. He spent 17 days in NICU. We got him home and went through another 2 weeks at a Children's Hospital after we figured out he had Group B Strep infection.
He's super healthy now, but I just can't stop worrying about all the things that can go wrong each day. I walk through a restaurant with him and see pointy knives on tables, hot drinks to be spilled on him, dropping him, etc. I am scared to leave him with anyone. I flash back to his birth and the feelings I was feeling at the time. They seem so real. Why can't I move forward?
Twin boys born too early at 17w4d and 18w2d in February 2010
Transabdominal cerclage placed September 2010
DS born at 35w1d in February 2011
Twin girls born at exactly 36w in February 2013
Re: Anyone with a similar story want to share? PTSD/Traumatic birth/NICU
I just responded above that exessive worry is a classic sign of PPD - and if you've had a traumatic birth you are more likely to develop PPD.
My daughter was born 4 weeks early and I was not prepared AT ALL. She spent only a few days in hospital, but this was extrememly distressing to me. Apparently I am OCD (found out after she was born), so her coming so early threw me right into a severe case of PPD. I would worry all the time about her well being...but I would have thoughts that were super violent, like me stabbing her (not intentionally though), or her falling down the stairs, etc. etc. I could not go into a room without imagining what violent things could happen in there.
I definitely think you need some additional help ( you didn't mention getting any help so far..?). I know it's not always ideal, but medication could help you HUGE in getting past these thoughts. I am on a lot of meds and they have finally gone away. Sometimes you just need the medication to get you past that hump.
GL to you, please feel free to msg me anytime or email me at amanda_braun1@yahoo.ca
I understand what you are feeling but not sure what it might, if anything, be called. DS was born after 3 years of IF, IVF, a lost twin early on...24 week bleed due to placenta previa, car accident, fall on the ice all sent us to L&D early and each time I had to sign that they could do an emergency cesarean if they had to. Then when I went into labor at 39 weeks I got some kind of infection and flu and was throwing up, had pieces of the calcified placenta breaking apart, while I was pushing his heart rate dropped and I had a super fast cesaran that is all a blur. Anyway, he was born and right away I said something was wrong with his head. I was ignored, I was nuts. My peditrician didn't think so though and she sent us to a few specialists and it was determined that his soft spots closed early! It is a rare condition that happens to 1/1500 or so births. So at 4 weeks old I learned that when he was 3 months he would have to undergo a procedure where they would remove his top skull, sew the skin back on and a new skull would grow...with the help of a helmet it would all grow in fine.
OK...3 years later and my son has a beautiful head. Seriously he is a gorgeous boy and I should learn how to post a picture. But I had those same feelings that you are describing and still to some extent have them. They have gone away a little at a time and I don't know if there is anything that I could have done to help myself. It was a freakin nightmare from getting pregnant to keeping the pregnancy to having the surgery. SO I guess what I am saying is that your feelings are totally valid. Maybe you can make an appointment with some kind of therapist and run your thoughts by them and it will help to hear what they have to say.
Good luck to you, he is beautiful!
Thanks, mamas, and ((HUGS)) to you, too. I only have these days about once a week now. I think it's just a part of "dealing" for me.
Twin boys born too early at 17w4d and 18w2d in February 2010
Transabdominal cerclage placed September 2010
DS born at 35w1d in February 2011
Twin girls born at exactly 36w in February 2013
It took us two years, and IVF to get pregnant. We learned of DH's deployment orders about two weeks before our IVF cycle was to start. We choose to move forward as planned. We were fortunate to get pregnant. At about 18 weeks, we moved me from VA to TN to be near my family. At 20 weeks, DH left for 12 weeks of training in KS. At about 32 weeks (on Mother's Day), he deployed.
My OB and I had a difference of opinion, of six days, of what my EDD was (I said June 30th, he said July 4th). I figured because I am an older mom (37 at the time) and LO was an IVF baby, my chances of delivering between 38 and 40 weeks were good, so I did not push the issue.
I wish that I had. My LO was late. My OB refused to consider inducing me before July 11th--even though my BP had been borderline high most of my pregnancy (and was climbing the farther along I got), I had not seen my ankles in months and I NEVER felt good (in retrospect, I had put myself on modified bed rest because I felt so terrible). Well, at my last OB appointment, he finally scheduled my induction for Friday. Long story short, either my OB or his nurse FORGOT to put my induction information into the computer and L&D was full. The news infuriated me and my blood pressure spiked. Again, leaving out huge parts of the story, my son was delivered by emergency c-section at 12:24am, at 41w,6ds, because I had pre-eclampsia, and HELLP Syndrome and LO was going into distress.
Because LO was so far past his EDD, he had meconium in his throat--which is an automatic ticket to the NICU. They told me he'd be there for 48 hours. Fortunately, because they'd gotten the crap out of his throat before he aspirated it (meaning I did not hear him cry in the OR), they moved him to the regular nursery after 12 hours.
They sent me back to L&D for 36 hours to treat my pre-e and HELLP (30 hours on the magnesium sulfate drip was awful). Oh, and did I mention my DH was in Iraq? Yeah. I finally got to hold my son when he was 28 hours old.
We were discharged from the hospital when LO was three days old. Soon as we got home, my PPD hit. I could not stop crying. I felt that I had ruined my life, DH's life, LO's life and that I was a burden to our families. I was seeing, at one point, two psychiatrists. They made me wait two weeks to make sure it wasn't "baby blues". The longest two weeks of my life.
The good news is that LO is a happy and healthy two-year old. I am healthy again. I am still on my antidepressant, but that is a personal choice. I also have ADHD (which I also take meds for). I had dealt with depression in the past, so PPD was not a surprise. The severity of it was surprising. It took me over two months to get back to being functional. I am still angry about how and why things happened the way they did, but I am less angry than I was a year ago. I imagine I will be even less angry a year from now.
So, that is my story. PPD/PPA sucks, but it does not last forever and there is help. A therapist can help work through feelings and, if deemed an option, meds work well, too. (Better living through pharmaceuticals! LOL!)
I'm sorry to hear you are struggling but it WILL get better. You may need help to get there but it will get better.
My son was born unexpectedly at 26 weeks 3 days while I was on a business trip 300 miles from home. My husband wasn't there, and I was only in labor for about 2 hours. He spent 70 days in the NICU, and, while he's doing great now, I've also been diagnosed with PTSD.
For me, I was having intrusive thoughts all the time. Everything always brought me back to L&D. Being sad at work made me think of L&D. Driving down the street made me think of L&D. It was like I just couldn't get away with it. I was terribly short-tempered with my husband and was getting enraged with my son.
Like others above, I got help. Now, 7.5 months after my son was born, I'm feeling much more normal again. It's definitely something that will get better if you keep working at it.
Good luck, and PM me if I can help.
I had a traumatic labor also. I developed a high fever during labor (104) and passed some sort of infection to my son. He spent 10 days on antibiotics in the NICU. Every time he sneezes or coughs, I'm sent into a panic mode. He had a stomach virus over Labor Day weekend and I didn't eat for 4 days because I was so sick with worry. I have an appointment tomorrow with a counselor that specifically deals with PPD/PPA. I'm actually pretty excited to talk to her so I can get on the road to recovery.