Facebook advice

jani7

Our sweet DS was born Aug 1 and after it was final I posted on Facebook that we added to our family, He was born Aug 1 and that we've been in love ever since.  I assumed everyone knew we were adopting and I didn't use the words we adopted.  

We of course are planning on him always knowing and have an open adoption so I was by no means trying not to use the word adoption. But he is just our child, not our adopted child so I don't feel the need to label it.  

 My question.  I have a few, not a ton but a few posts of "oh wow I didn't know you were expecting" etc.  Also I have family who have been asked if I was pregnant.  Should I respond on facebook to the posts individually that we adopted or just ignore them? Or should I put some quote about adoption or??  I am sure I am WAY over thinking this!  Thoughts??

I hope my thoughts kind of make sense.   

boxermama24

If it's something you feel comfortable with and want to avoid telling people individually over and over, I would just put up one post -- either a new status or a comment in your original thread -- saying something along the lines of, "Our DS joined our family through adoption and we couldn't be more excited! He may not have grown under my heart, but in it." Something like that.  Or at least that's what I would do.  Everyone is different and I don't think you can really go about it the wrong way.

Congrats!

futuremrsofficer

boxermama24:

If it's something you feel comfortable with and want to avoid telling people individually over and over, I would just put up one post -- either a new status or a comment in your original thread -- saying something along the lines of, "Our DS joined our family through adoption and we couldn't be more excited! He may not have grown under my heart, but in it." Something like that.  Or at least that's what I would do.  Everyone is different and I don't think you can really go about it the wrong way.

Congrats!

this is what we did, for people who didn't know we were adopting. We were very open about our desire and plan to adopt so almost everyone knew. 

Dr.Loretta

Agree with the pps. And yes, you're overthinking it a little.

We only saw our former next door neighbors during the summertime when we were in our yards. We brought DD home in March and I didn't see them until August I think. The neighbor said, "Please don't tell me I never noticed you were pregnant." I told her we adopted, and she was so excited.

So yeah, I'd just put something up on your FB page that you adopted your DS and you are so happy to have a family, or something along those lines.

AuburnBride06

For me, it depends on the relationship to the people. There are some I'm fb friends with who we are not close to at all and don't know about our journey and we still havent mentioned it. They are acquaintances mostly and I equate it with people we are just meeting or barely know...we don't come out and say he was adopted. He's just our son. Not our adopted son. But yea I agree, you could put something up in your original thread about it or do a post talking about the miracle of adoption if you want.

S/o of this....I hate when BM/BPs (or anyone really) refer to us as AP/Adoptive moms, etc. No, I'm just his mom. DH & I are his parents, the only ones who are parenting him. He won't go around saying "this is my adoptive mommy". The adoption was a legal proceeding that is over with. I don't see the need to attach that "adoptive/adopted" tag on to things.

Sunny1s

I agree with the above - all of it!  Do what you are comfortable with and be done with it, you are over thinking it.

I hate when people ask such questions though - it's kinda rude.  If you didn't notice I was pregnant then why are you asking about it now that I have a baby that you know is my son in my hands?  I mean, seriously.  I guess I'm just not that way - I would wonder but never ask and just move on with it.  I've had some random neighbors that we only ever wave to ask this of me - and he was already several months old.  I felt like I should ask the same of their tweens just so they could see how ridiculous it is to ask!

Dr.Loretta

AuburnBride06:

S/o of this....I hate when BM/BPs (or anyone really) refer to us as AP/Adoptive moms, etc. No, I'm just his mom. DH & I are his parents, the only ones who are parenting him. He won't go around saying "this is my adoptive mommy". The adoption was a legal proceeding that is over with. I don't see the need to attach that "adoptive/adopted" tag on to things.

But there are some times that clarification is needed. This is one of those cases. I don't introduce DD as my adopted daughter, but sometimes the conversation leads in a way that I feel comfortable telling people she was adopted. NBD

AuburnBride06

Sunny1s:

I agree with the above - all of it!  Do what you are comfortable with and be done with it, you are over thinking it.

I hate when people ask such questions though - it's kinda rude.  If you didn't notice I was pregnant then why are you asking about it now that I have a baby that you know is my son in my hands?  I mean, seriously.  I guess I'm just not that way - I would wonder but never ask and just move on with it.  I've had some random neighbors that we only ever wave to ask this of me - and he was already several months old.  I felt like I should ask the same of their tweens just so they could see how ridiculous it is to ask!

I agree

jani7

Thanks so much for all the thoughts and input!

CaptainSerious

Sunny1s:

I agree with the above - all of it!  Do what you are comfortable with and be done with it, you are over thinking it.

I hate when people ask such questions though - it's kinda rude.  If you didn't notice I was pregnant then why are you asking about it now that I have a baby that you know is my son in my hands?  I mean, seriously.  I guess I'm just not that way - I would wonder but never ask and just move on with it.  I've had some random neighbors that we only ever wave to ask this of me - and he was already several months old.  I felt like I should ask the same of their tweens just so they could see how ridiculous it is to ask!

Because people are curious, and it's a pretty normal conversation.  If a person is pregnant, no one feels like they have to shy away from discussing it, so why is it taboo is a child is adopted.

I agree with not making your child feel like the adoption is a constant in his/her life and guarding your child's privacy, but being upset if someone asks if they missed a pregnancy borders on wanting to hide the adoption.  In my mind, that's what encourages the stereotype that adoption is shameful and something to be hidden away and discussed only in hushed whispers.  If we could just be open about the fact that our children joined our family through adoption, maybe it would help to normalize things.  Addressing it now will take away from a lifelong of wondering and behind-your-back murmurs, and is a far cry from sharing all the intimate details of your child's story.

In the interest of full disclosure, everyone we know is aware that we adopted M and are adopting again, and yet I still have a hard time using the word "adoption" with M or "orphanage" to just about anyone (although not when I use the Spanish word for it when talking with M, remarkably).  I talk to M about when he "came to us" and "joined our family" but for some reason I always skip a beat and have to force out the word "adoption."   I believe this is in a large part because of the stigma attached to adoption, and I hate it.

CaptainSerious

Oh, and to the OP:  I say, do whatever you are most comfortable with.  If you want to announce your adoption as such, have at it.  If you'd rather handle it more subtly, that's fine, too.

In truth, all I was trying to say in my previous post is that I don't understand why some people are offended by these questions.  I can understand them hurting if you suffered through IF, but I think they are just an extension of natural curiosity because adoption is not the first thing that comes to people's minds.

jani7

CaptainSerious:

Oh, and to the OP:  I say, do whatever you are most comfortable with.  If you want to announce your adoption as such, have at it.  If you'd rather handle it more subtly, that's fine, too.

In truth, all I was trying to say in my previous post is that I don't understand why some people are offended by these questions.  I can understand them hurting if you suffered through IF, but I think they are just an extension of natural curiosity because adoption is not the first thing that comes to people's minds.

I agree and I'm not offended in any way by the questions.  I just wasn't sure exactly how to respond.  

 

I really do appreciate everyone's responses!   

sw_in_kc

I responded to the first person who commented "I didn't know you were expecting". I said "Thanks, but we have an amazing birthmom to thank for this amazing little girl" or something like that. Most people caught on from there.

rensheng

Post edited by moderator for hyperlink spam.

hereonceagain

I have a different view.  If I knew somone adopted but they never announced they adopted and just stated they are parents now, I'd feel they are somewhat trying to hide the fact it was adoption.  I personally am proud of adoption and in an announcement would definitely use the word.  I love the word.  If it wasn't for that word, I wouldn't have my child.  So for the purposes of announces, yes, I think you are overthinking it and I'd state your child was adopted.  Or what I did was show a photo and it's in front of the judge and most people understood from that.  However in day to day conversations I would not be saying "my adopted daughter" ...of course it would be just "my daughter".  But to say she's not my adopted daughter, she is my daughter seems to go overboard IMO.  Because she IS my adopted daughter, even though I may not personally use that term.

jani7

hereonceagain:

I have a different view.  If I knew somone adopted but they never announced they adopted and just stated they are parents now, I'd feel they are somewhat trying to hide the fact it was adoption.  I personally am proud of adoption and in an announcement would definitely use the word.  I love the word.  If it wasn't for that word, I wouldn't have my child.  So for the purposes of announces, yes, I think you are overthinking it and I'd state your child was adopted.  Or what I did was show a photo and it's in front of the judge and most people understood from that.  However in day to day conversations I would not be saying "my adopted daughter" ...of course it would be just "my daughter".  But to say she's not my adopted daughter, she is my daughter seems to go overboard IMO.  Because she IS my adopted daughter, even though I may not personally use that term.

Yes we are definitely not trying to hide the fact that he is adopted.  We have lots of adoption books, his baby book talks about his adoption and has pictures and his birth mom and his birth family tree, our adoption is open, etc.  So I'm not trying to hide the fact that he was adopted - just in my first announcement I didn't use the word we adopted - because I didn't think about it - just announced we were excited we could finally share our exciting news etc. (we had to wait to post anything on social media until after a waiting period)  I also did have pictures of me cutting the cord so I"m really not sure how everyone was so confused but...  I just didn't know how to go back and address the fact that we did adopt that wasn't an awkward "oh by the way".  

 I have loved hearing everyone's thoughts on this!  What I did was responded to comments/questions individually (but where others could read)  saying we had adopted and then also made a status update of this beautiful quote.

I didn't give you the gift of life, but in my heart I know The love I feel is as deep and real as if it had been so. For us to love each other is like a dream come true. No, I didn't give you the gift of life. Life gave me the gift of you. -Author unknown 

And now I officially hate Facebook