a proposed visitation schedule? BD emailed me yesterday about my plans for custody (last correspondence was maybe a week or so ago "asking" me about the paternity test arrangements & slight taunting amongst other things. I responded to the paternity test stuff, but tried not to address the taunting. We haven't talked about custody in about 2wks when he expressed wanting 50/50, i never responded to that).
i haven't been talking to him unless he emails me first, and if it's only about the baby. i try to keep all of my responses short, & as cordial as possible, even when he starts to play the victim card (because apparently i've been very evil to him throughout this whole thing...naming her myself, not inviting him to my shower, "keeping information from him", etc...)
Anyway, to sum it up, he emails saying that i'm "playing games" by refusing to discuss custody & he knows my "time is almost up". I told him i can't agree to 50/50 from the beginning that it's not in her best interests, which he internalized as "you're not a good father". Long story short, he continues to mention how he's probably a better fit anyway because he's a "hands on dad" with his other kids that he's raised from birth. And that if I think i can solely raise her, he can do the same as he's proven before. (i've never said anything about solely raising her, i've always made it known that i want him involved, i just want primary physical custody, we share legal. i don't think that's asking too much, especially since we live A MILE DOWN THE STREET from each other) He "agrees" that she should solely be with me for 3 months, & after that "if he's the dad" (a phrase he used often in this email) then he should have shared time (if he'd stop bulling me long enough he'd realize, i'm ofering shared time from day 1...at my house of course)
He also said this, "In short just as you think the baby has to be with you and I only have visits, the same way I also think the baby has to be with me so you also have visits" which really is leading me to believe that if given the opportunity, w/o a court order, he won't return her to me. Just to "prove a point".
So my mom of course is pissed at this point because he's stressed me out my entire pregnancy, & me being a dummy, I still let him get under my skin. She told me not to put him on the birth certificate & not to make things easy for him since it seems like we're going to end up in court anyway. I know we're definitely at least going to need a mediator to figure out this custody thing, but should I just go ahead and leave him off the birth certificate & just let him start all the legal proceedings? Or is that going to create a massive sh*t storm?
It's really breaking my heart that he's treating my daughter as a piece of property that we need to fight over. It doesn't have to be this difficult
Re: At this point, would you even offer....
i talked to a lawyer last week. she said if he's not on the birth certificate than he has no rights until it's established by the courts. and she doesn't know of any judge that'd give a man 50/50 from birth. she said the last name is my choice (we agreed a couple of weeks ago to hyphenate, after fighting about it for a long time, but i still deep in my heart, just want to give her my last name)
i was just trying to avoid problems & confrontation....
DO NOT SETTLE OR TAKE THE "EASY ROAD" JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT A SHIITSTORM!!!!
Being nice gets you screwed.
Leave him off the birth certificate and give her your last name. Do not make this easy for him. He's using his words to try to get under your skin and it's working. If he thinks he's such a great father, let him prove that you and the courts. That LO is yours until the courts tell you otherwise.
This exactly!!! When you are dealing with a DB, there is ALWAYS going to be a *** storm!! You are not avoiding one by letting him bully you! If it is not this, it WILL BE something else. Fron here on out, forget that DB exists. After your DD is born, the ball is in his court to get things started.
NICE GETS YOU SCREWED!!!! We have all learned this the hard way!
Amen.
My X and I split while I was pregnant and this last name issue was the biggest one we had. I gave DS my last name and will be forever happy I did so. He is not on the BC either.
As PP's said, let him PROVE he will be a good father. The only reason men want the kid to have their last name is for entitlement reasons and so they can use it for sympathy from others, at least in my case. I'd rather look like a b*tch than make life easier for him.
It doesn't have to be this difficult. The part that is underlined and bolded is all manipulation. Don't let him do this to you. Of course he is saying all of this because of your reaction "if I go against him will it create a massive shiitstorm?"
The short answer is that you would actually be surprised when you stand up to a bully how much respect they will give you. They are like small children. They will push and push and push. Keep giving in, and they will push more. Stand up to them, put your foot down and hold your ground and they will eventually back down. You need to do what is best for you and your daughter, regardless of what he's saying to you.
Eliminate the stress in your life by cutting off all but essential contact with him. You don't need this mess during your last tri.
You know that what these women are saying is true. You need to tell him you'll let him know when the baby is born, and he can file for visitation after he proves paternity.
It will take a huge weight off of your shoulders, I know that from experience.
Coming up with a custody plan before a baby is even born makes no sense. You will feel differently after the baby is born, things always change when you experience life with a newborn. You don't even know what you're committing to if you try to plan it all out now.
He is a bully. Men act this way so often because you have all the control, and you might find yourself acting that way if the tables were turned. But that doesn't make it excusable, and that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Stop letting him stress you out.
People have already given you great answers.
I would in no way put him on the birth certficate. EVER.
I probably wouldn't even tell him when the baby was born.