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Toddlers: 24 Months+
Pls. Help...
I just don't know what to do...
DD is 2.3 and I'm having such a hard time. I feel like I'm always disciplining her, she is always on time-out, always being told NO, everything...I feel like she probably hates me at this point. I know that I should discipline her, but there is only so much that she and I can take of it...when will it "kick" in.
She does super weird things too...I know that she's 2.3, but she grabs the dogs privates, eats dog food, puzzle pieces, crayons, play-doh, (you try to do a "craft" time and forget it), it's like I can't leave her alone to go pee, unless I know that anything that she can swallow is not close to her...she is always telling me no, throwing herself on the floor, (our wood floors), she bangs her head sooo hard I am afraid that one day she is going to seriously hurt herself, she bangs it soo hard that she starts to cry, mid-tantrum, because she's in pain, and then wants to cuddle. She throws everything, she spanks my hands away, she chews on my fingers for no reason, she can't even get through a bath without a tantrum...I've talked to my doctor, but she keeps saying "it's normal"...
REALLY? This is NORMAL? I'm going nuts!!! I feel like I'm just constantly losing my patience with her...I find myself locking myself into the bathroom just to get away from her sometimes because it's just awful!!! And then...I feel completely awful for feeling that way...like I should be lucky that I even have her...
I'm so frustrated at this point, I just don't know what to do... 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Pls. Help...
Honestly the only thing that struck me as odd is that at over 2 yrs old she is still eating random stuff. I don't really know the norm for that though, I just know my kids stopped that some months ago. It sounds a bit like some kind of oral fixation- I wonder if a speech therapist or OT could help you with that...does she talk alot? Maybe some of it is frustration w/ communication?
GL and don't feel bad for getting frustrated...my LOs were throwing simultaneous tantrums today & I just about lost it on them & it doesnt sound as challenging as your situation.... it sounds like you need some further assistance to help, maybe try to ask the pedi one more time?
That's what I was thinking, that maybe its her molars...but she won't let me see...
She has great speech...(well, at least I think so)...I understand every word, and she just started sentences...(instead of 1 word it's now "I found Goofy" and such like that...)
Pediatricians are not behavior specialists. If your daughter's behavior is that disruptive to you and your family, you can seek out a second opinion from a behavioral therapist, child psychologist, etc.
It sounds like some of her issues are pretty normal, and some might need to be explored. I agree with PP that beyond 2, it's more rare for children to be mouthing/ingesting that many non-food items. What is it about the bath that bothers her?
I'm sure it would be worth it just for the peace of mind it could give you if you sought out the opinion of a specialist.
It does sound normal to a point... like groovygirl asked, I'm curious about her communication... are transitions always hard? Does she seem to have sensory issues? What's her eating like, sleeping, does she complain of pain? My 2 yr olds are getting their 2 yr molars and they are bears at times but I am able to tell 2 yr old tantrum from pain typically.
It also sounds like you are in Supermom overdrive. Discipline IS very improtant. But 2 yr olds are about asserting independence- it is a PITA and critical to development. Are there ways you can negotiate disciplining and exploration? The problem I have with timeout is that it is easy to fall into the trap of using it for every single undesirable behavior, thus creating a situation where the child is in timeout more times than there are hours in a day and then it is just a habit, not a tool. Maybe select 2 things only that she goes to time out for and the rest try redirection or ignoring. In our house our 3 rules are Kind Hands. Kind feet. Kind words. At this point hitting, kicking, and really nasty screaming between siblings go to time out.
Or try a variation of time out where she doesn't go, just the object she is eating, throwing, hitting with. DS was ramming his trucks into his sisters and TO didn't work,, but putting the truck in timeout for the rest of the day worked after 2 days.
Also, if I anticipate a tantrum, I wrap DD#2 in a deep pressure hug and supply her with the words she needs to get her needs/desires met to diffuse. She is SO fiery, and explodes the instant she perceives an obstacle in her plan, but is now learning to stay calm and try to speak calmly and in desperation say "What, Mommy? What words you use?"
As an option- not to jump the gun or diagnose your child or anything, you could self-refer to EI and say you're concerned about her communication/sensory/social-emotional development. I can't say if it's excessive, but generally if a momma is hiding in the bathroom to collect herself, there is a disconnect, and an eval might help you determine whether it's normal, behavioral or problematic.
Good luck- and know I've never met a momma who's never felt the way you do now.
I'm thinking that this is summing up most of what's going on...
I don't know what you mean by transistions? She has some hyper-sensitivity to things, strangers, water (being poured on her, not sitting in it...), cutting her nails, brushing her hair, these things are extremely difficult...
She eats well...but is preferring softer foods...nothing really chewy.
I think your right about TO/over-drive...I think we are spending more time in time out than anything else, and that could be partly me being over-retentive about things...
TKS for the advice...I am cautious about an eval., only because other pple, gramma/memme/aunts that see her often are telling me this is normal behavior too...but maybe it is something to consider...
By transitions I mean does she have excessive anxiety when going from one activity to another? If she is eating and there's a fun activity after the meal, is it still hard for her to end meal and start the fun thing?
A big help to me with the grooming issues has been making it fun and exciting. My first DD I had to trim one nail as part of every diaper change. Even if 1 of the 20 nails didn't need a trim, I whipped out the clippers and did a single snip so that it was part of the routine. This part seems very normal to me- only alarming in a 3-4 year old.
Timeout overdrive is simply you being a dutiful mama wanting your LO to behave and have a positive interaction with the outside world. It is a natural reaction. Quick wuestion- is she the same out in public- on the playground/at the store? My kids are saints in public. I get compliments because I can take all 3 out to a restaurant or even the grocery store without a stroller or cart and they are sweet and mindful, but at home they are intense. I mean, we've had stitches and a tooth knocked out in the last 3 months intense. but because they pull themselves together at times tells me their behavior is normal. If one of them was always in a state of hyper-sensitive I would worry more.
An early intervention eval is not a big deal or life-sentence. It is free. It is non-intrusive. Mama's gut is 8/10 times spot on despite others' views. I expressed concerns about my DS's communication since 6 MONTHS old and pedi, family, friends told me I was crazy. Now he is in EI with over a year delay in speech. I've had clients defer treatment because everyone said they were crazy to be concerned and then at 3 they were diagnosed with one thing or another. Momma's intuition is strong- if you look at your kid and say- "God I love you but you're seriously a pain in the butt," That's normal sucky terrible two stuff, BUT if you're secret pesty voice is ssaying "I know everyone says X, but I feel like it's Y, then you should follow up. No financial or psychological cost to evaluate, just a couple hours of time.
I think to ease your mind, you could consult with a behavioral therapist. I also think maybe that would help you learn how to communicate with her better and cope with her tantrums better. No one ever gives a us a how to for parenting and it's hard sometimes. Discipline is not an easy thing and I struggle with it all the time. DH thinks I'm too easy on him.. he gets upset over things that wouldn't normally upset me.. we go back and forth about it all the time. So at minimum maybe it would put your mind at ease and maybe help you learn how to handle it better.. even if for your own sanity!!
That being said- I do think she's pretty normal. I think it's hard for little kids because even though they know how to talk, they still don't always know how to communicate or express their emotions. DS can be a handful at times also. He hits and bites and kicks and spits.. he can be a little terd. I have a hard time with him sometimes too. I do time outs or swats on the butt or stern talking to him.. at times nothing seems to work and when he cries after I discipline him I feel horrilble and guilty.. but I know I hvae to do it.
Good luck!!
Yes, we do all of this too. If she is having a meltdown (wants M&Ms at dinner time) I try to divert her focus on something else. *TRY* sometimes this doesn't work. Sometiems I say, just 1 m&m. Now she'll say,"M&M pls, JUST ONE!" This is a very difficult age, we fight w/ our dd every day about everything. We do the same thing 5 days a week, get ready for school/work, brush hair, get dressed etc, and she fights it. GL...let's pray it's a phase!!
I wouuld encourge you to have an IE evaluation done as well. FInd out who does them in your state -for me it was easter seals - Early Steps. It took about 2 months to get an appt. It took about 1 1/2. It is voluntary so at any point you can refuse to accept services or stop testing - the told me this a bunch of times (my ds had a great time and "played" with the therapist).
My therpist works with high risk children and everytime the mom says they have a specific concern the always do a referal to the appropriate therapist or for further evalutation - even if they observe no problems or concerns. She says mom's gut is almost never wrong. If you are wrong you feel better and have only lost a couple hours of your time in which your LO was probably playing and having a great time.
My other suggestion is to ignore - tantrums especially. I pretend to read a magazine or have a drink of water. If ds grabs at me or yells at me I say "I will do ______ (usually pick him up or talk to him) when he comes down or asks nicely."