- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Single Parents
JCGreene85
member
Help me..need feedback
JCGreene85
member
So I am working on a parenting plan so I have something to go off of during Mediation. I also want a jump start for when I meet with my attorney next week since i'll be paying by the hour, lol.
Ex lives out of state, and currently, he comes and goes as he pleases. He usually comes every 3 months and stays about 4 days at a friends. I have never given him unsupervised visits. BUT I do give them space when he is here. Most of the time he wants to do "family" stuff, and if we are currently getting along, I go with it. (hasnt been the case lately).
i will have full physical and we'll share legal
So this is my plan (all open for negotiation obviously).
1 out of state visit a month (when is the norm to start these? now? i was thinking 3 years)
*all visits must be scheduled 1 month prior for planning time.
1 in-state visit per month if he can afford it (or should i just leave that out? then he's essentially getting eo weekend?) these would just be sat and sun 9-5.
EX must pay for all travel for visitation (moved voluntarily) ( i can negotiate to pay for him to visit ga 1x per year?)
DS last name will not be changed. no negotiation.
Only EX can be present for drop off and pick ups. He cant send anyone else
I will get to approve any child care that ds receives in his care
He will get him fathers day weekend
he is to take a parenting class before visitation starts
1 week visits in Florida 2x a year
he is to provide everything while ds is in his care. diapers/wipes/stroller/carseat ect
we've agreed to spend holidays together (i think), if not, eo i guess 
i cant imagine spending holidays without my baby.. i have always allowed ex to come here.
what am i missing? how does this sound to start off with? all opinions needed 
thanks ladies.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Help me..need feedback
I can't remember the whole backstory but basically he's only seeing DS every three months for four days at a time, or so? It seems like quite a big jump from seeing him that infrequently to once a month. Are you sure he even WANTS to have him that often?
Plus if you are sending DS out of state are you concerned about his well being? Again I don't remember the backstory but it sounds like you haven't let your ex see him unsupervised yet.
Spending holidays together, while nice now, might be difficult when you eventually have a new relationship and/or family someday. I guess you can always modify that part.
Also, I would really advise you against doing "family stuff" together. Isn't there a way that you can meet him somewhere and basically let them have their time while you supervise?
Backstory: He lost his job in April 2010 and moved to FL. He found a job, moved in with a girl, and visits Wy when he can "afford (wants) too. I let him come here whenever he want as long as he gives me decent notice.
You're right. I guess we can work up to more unsupervised visits. I was thinking he would have a few here before I let DS go out of state.
He told me he is going to mediation expecting more than that. he says he's got nothing to lose, and that he cant wait to see my face when he takes everything away from me..
We havent done "family" time in a while. He has been so mean that I don't even want to be around him. I even took DS to FL for a visit in June. Felt like such a waste.
Stop communicating with him unless it's regarding details of his visitation or if he's asking a specific question about W. There's no reason to listen to nonsense like that, which is not only untrue but will just upset you.
You took him to FL? How much did that cost you (I am assuming here that he didn't pay for the trip). Sounds like you are being too nice, especially if he's doing nothing but being an assshat in return.
Stop communicating with him unless it's regarding details of his visitation or if he's asking a specific question about W. There's no reason to listen to nonsense like that, which is not only untrue but will just upset you.
You took him to FL? How much did that cost you (I am assuming here that he didn't pay for the trip). Sounds like you are being too nice, especially if he's doing nothing but being an assshat in return.
I'm not saying ignore him completely (as in blocking his number or something). I am simply saying that you need to set up healthy boundaries.
Making your blog private was a good thing to do. Of course he's throwing a fit, he is trying to keep tabs on you in every way possible.
Have you read any books about manipulation? I know you read my blog and I talk about it a lot but there are also several books that are great. "The Manipulative Man" as well as "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling Men".
He's bluffing. Of course he's ticked your blog is private, especially if you posted a lot about your son, he's seeing the day to day.
I was in Germany for 8 months and Jake didn't see his dad at all and I blogged just for his sake. Maybe he's asking to see pictures or updates and there's a different way you can do that. (It could be weekly or bi-weekly, nothing that takes a ton of time.)
The one flag I see is shared holiday, while I understand the feeling of not wanting to miss a holiday, it's unrealistic to expect to spend them as "family" with your ex.
Our mediation agreement includes regular visitation (EOW), webcam/phone calls, traveling, first right of refusal, holidays including the summer, and there's also something about not saying anything negative about the other parent in front of Jake.
I think you are offering a lot more than what he has been seeking. Keep and bring documentation of all of his visits. I'd be curious to see what he is going to ask for? I might take some of what you offered out and use it as negotiation. Such as the 2 1-week visits. You could use that as negotiation, but I would put something in there for him to work up to that. If your ds hasn't been away from you and really hasn't had alone time with his dad you need a plan as to how you are going to work up to that. In our situation (xh is local) he started with saturday 12-5 (and a visit during the week) for 2 weeks in a row and then moved to saturday and sunday 12-5 etc... to move up to a 24 hour period without me. Obviously your situation is different since he is out of state but he can't go from supervised to a full week.
As for holidays, xh and I share time on them- like he takes dd for 3 hours (9-12) and then I have her for the rest. This way I am never without her on a holiday. This works as xh no longer takes dd for more than a 2-3 hr visit (his choice) and he typically has work at 3pm. But if your ex is planning to come to your state on holidays- maybe offer him a little time at some point during the day so you aren't stuck together all day. If you split holidays (diff states) you need a plan for travel and costs and then it turns into more than a 1 day thing.
Put mothers day and your bday (if thats important to you)- this way he can't schedule his weekend of week during that time. Also a plan for ds bday.
If your x working with a lawyer? Maybe your lawyer can get a copy of his proposal ahead of time. That's how ours went and he had a lot of details hammered out before hand.
Good luck!
"He told me he is going to mediation expecting more than that. he says he's got nothing to lose, and that he cant wait to see my face when he takes everything away from me.. "
I swear your X and my XH are the same person. As pp said - he's bluffing. He's "throwing fists" as my lawyer would say since he's trying to break you down and isn't getting what he wants. Remember that he's trying to convince HIMSELF of the things he says, even though they dont have merit or any legal backing.
I echo achase on the manipulation stuff. You can laugh in his face when he says every action you make is being calculated - because every action he makes is being logged. RIGHT??????
STBXH and I will be in mediation soon as well. The advice I've gotten is to start off with the bare minimum and "meet in the middle" with what you are okay with. For instance, say you are okay with EOW, but offer 1/month visits instead. You will wind up agreeing to EOW which is what you wanted to begin with. You have to let him think he's "won" because this is all a power/control thing for him.
Good luck - keep us posted!
I think you need to being your paper with you to mediation BUT do not voluntarily "offer" those things right off the bat. See what DB wants, then go from there. As of right now, you know what you are willing to negotiate. It is kind of like buying a house. You know your maximum limit, but you don't make that your first offer.
ETA: My situation was different, but in my original divorce papers I have sole custody, with supervised visitation for DB (I can choose who supervises). There are no set times when DB has visitation. The only stipulation is he has to give me 24 hours notice. DB signed off on it. Had I offered more right off the bat, he would have gotten more.