I need some perspective - would this make you sad?

ShannonSky

When DD1 was born, she was 6 weeks early, <4lbs, and the delivery was pretty traumatic (severe distress followed by an emergency C-section). My parents had a scheduled vacation the following week, and decided to drive down for the weekend to see us. We still had tons left to do, and they never offered to help or stay longer (the vacation was a motorcycle trip down our way, then further south and back north in a big loop - no reservations to cancel or anything). 

Now DD2 is due 9/15, and I am full term tomorrow. We have all agreed from the start that they would come down on the following weekend, since both still work full time (my dad is paid hourly with no sick leave and my mom works shift work).  I spoke with my mom today and now she's telling me that they likely won't be able to make it until the end of September - we likely won't have the baby before this weekend, next weekend is Labor Day and if they don't work on Tues, they won't get paid for Mon, the following weekend my mom is scheduled to work on Sun and gets paid double, so she doesn't want to take it off, then the weekend after that they are attending a friend's second wedding. 

 Would any of this make you sad?  

Dr.Loretta

Maybe a little, but in my experience it wasn't the end of the world. Maybe with LO #1 they didn't want to be in the way when you had so much going on. And they know they'll see their grandchildren, just not right away.

DD came home March 5. My parents didn't see her until mid April, for a variety of reasons. I was fine with it. On one level it would have been nice for them to be here sooner, but on another we had a good schedule going by the time they got here and we could just enjoy each other.

kittylove

Yes it would. My mom droped everything when I had my son, but FIL took 2 weeks to visit for 20 minutes, complained about the house, wouldn't come inside if I was breastfeeding, wouldn't sit down. It hurt both my husband's feelings and mine.

alchris

Would it make me sad?  YES.

But, FWIW, I'll offer my experience.  Our families were here when Kira was born, and it was a bit hellish because we had so many people around.  It was important to me that they see her right away, but in retrospect I was very stressed.  With Elena being due on Christmas, again everybody was planning to be here then.  But Elena came early, and no one was here.  It was amazing!  We had quiet!  I could BF in my living room!  I didn't have to play pass-the-baby!  I didn't have to worry about anyone else!

We won't be having a 3rd baby barring a miracle, but if we did, I wouldn't want anyone here in those first few days.  My parents changed their flights and arrived hen Elena was 3-4 days old, and I was glad they came when they did, and DH's parents waited two weeks and I'm so glad they waited, but those first 3-4 days were some of my favorite as a parent.

But again, I TOTALLY get where you're coming from.  Hopefully you'll be happy in the end though.

ladychicago

Disappointed? Yes. but not sad. Our family is all long distance, and so we have no expectations of help or timely visits when the kids are born. They all come down as soon as their schedule allows, and we figure that is all we could ask for. It would make me sad if they said they weren't going to see you until the holidays!

ShannonSky

ladychicago:

Disappointed? Yes. but not sad. Our family is all long distance, and so we have no expectations of help or timely visits when the kids are born. They all come down as soon as their schedule allows, and we figure that is all we could ask for. It would make me sad if they said they weren't going to see you until the holidays!

I think disappointed is more how I am feeling. DH is kind of mad - he sees it as my mom not making me a priority (there's other background, it's not just these 2 instances). He wants me to bring it up to my mom, but I don't see the point...to me, it's enough to know she doesn't WANT to come down ASAP. We are long distance, but it's drive-able, and I'm not asking them to drop everything, but just to come down the following weekend or as soon as they can.

I think the thing that bothers me the most are her reasons behind not coming...I can get Labor Day weekend with my dad not getting paid for the holiday, but I'm not sure why they can't just come down on Friday after work or Saturday AM and leave on Monday. And with her being scheduled the following Sunday, she isn't routinely scheduled that day, so it's not like they're anticipating that money. And I know I don't have grandkids and won't any time soon, but I feel like that would take priority over some friend's 2nd wedding (they've known this friend since high school, but can't be too close b/c I've never met him and didn't recognize the name).  

alchris

My parents would have done the same thing -- no doubt -- and my feelings would have been super hurt too.   Indeed last summer I had to BEG them to book tickets to come in December at all...BEG.  In fact, even after they arrived, they changed their tickets to fly back a few days early without telling me...at one of the most special times in my life.  I posted about it here -- it sucked.

dusk42

It sucks that you and your mom have such different opinions on this, but it also doesn't sound like a surprise based on your first baby.  I also think it is too early to be sad - they might end up coming the next weekend after all and rescheduling their conflicts.  (FWIW, they probably don't want to tell their friend that they can't go to the wedding because you might have a baby that week - that just sounds weird.)  

 

If it really bothers you, I would just straightout tell her that you would really like them to meet the baby as soon as possible and ask her if they can come Labor Day weekend on the schedule you suggested above.  Suggest that if you are not in labor by next Wednesday, they can plan to stay home for Labor Day and your mom can offer to trade a shift with someone on that weekend or that she can trade with someone for a later weekend.  Etc.  If she resists, then you've tried and can manage your (and H's) expectations in the future.  

 

I grew up less than a mile from one set of grandparents and saw them less often than the ones who lived 100 miles away.  People are weird, but not easily changed. 

itsmevkb

Probably a little bit but I accepted a long time ago that my parents are who they are and although we have a good relationship and I know they love me, they aren't the "friends" type of parents. 

It sounds like your parents are a little trapped by their jobs and then too I think maybe they are thinking that you'd like to get a little settled before they visit.  I'm guessing that if their jobs were more flexible or if they were retired they would be visiting sooner.

Hugs to you.

dundasgirl

I think you have to just play it by ear.  I can understand being a little disappointed.

Reed came earlyish...Penny was well past her due date.  There's just no way to predict unless you are having a scheduled c-section. 

My perspective is probably different than most.  My Dad passed away 4 years before I had Reed...and my Mom lived several provinces away.  She got to meet Penny twice before she died.  Once when Penny was 6 weeks old, and the second time she was too sick to even hold her...So I would take your situation in a heartbeat:)

I don't mean to downplay your feelings, but it might be nice to have some time to yourselves too?  Good luck...you are getting so close!!!

ShannonSky

dundasgirl:

I think you have to just play it by ear.  I can understand being a little disappointed.

Reed came earlyish...Penny was well past her due date.  There's just no way to predict unless you are having a scheduled c-section. 

My perspective is probably different than most.  My Dad passed away 4 years before I had Reed...and my Mom lived several provinces away.  She got to meet Penny twice before she died.  Once when Penny was 6 weeks old, and the second time she was too sick to even hold her...So I would take your situation in a heartbeat:)

I don't mean to downplay your feelings, but it might be nice to have some time to yourselves too?  Good luck...you are getting so close!!!

Thank you, that is a good reminder. I just wish that we had a closer relationship since they ARE still around, KWIM?