Need Help After Baby Arrives?

anelson01

Hi All.  This is my first baby, so I'm not sure how tired or overwhelmed I might feel after the baby arrives.  My husband is taking 2 weeks off work.  When he returns to work, his mother (who lives out of town) would like to stay with us for 1-2 weeks to help out.  I'm a very independent person and kind of picky about how I like things to be done.  I usually feel like by the time I've told someone when and how they can help out, I could have just done it all myself. Also, I'm worried that she'll get carried away with telling me how I should take care of the baby.  

I'm just wondering, do most new moms need help at home after the baby arrives? If so, how long might it take before I'm able to handle things on my own?   

 

Liz4444

We are hiring a baby nurse who will stay with us for 3 weeks after the baby is born.

mlstagner

This is my first as well, but I have asked my mom to plan on staying for at least 2 weeks.

crzygirl

My mom stayed with us for 3 weeks and she arrived right after my husband went back to work at 2 weeks. 

It was great becuase i am more of a night person so she was happy to let me keep the baby for the evening, midnight, two / three AM feeding and then she would take the baby from 4 or 5 AM until 9 AM. 

I would get to sleep 4 or 5 hours straight.  It was heaven.

 

Fweetie

yes... have her help.  my mil is obnoxious, but i found her making meals and holding lo so helpful.  dh just went back to work 2 day and this was my first day alone with lo...  lets just say im typing one handed and i havent brushed my teeth yet.. ew, i know.  i didnt know how much pain i was going to b in afterwards either  i tore and could barely walk for 4 days. so take help if u have it!!

e_delo

If you deliver vag. then the 2 weeks your H will be home should be enough, as long as he understands that the laundry might not be done, or dinner might not be cooked. And he might have to work and do these things also. However, if you deliver via CS you'll need more help and for longer. You won't be allowed to climb stairs or drive, your lifting will be restricted. You should just see how things go and after a week (or so) let her know if you'll need her help.

Peanut0811

With my first child, my husband stayed home with me the first couple of days and then I was by myself for a couple days.  After that my mom came to stay with me for 10 days.  I liked having the couple days by myself to adjust.  When my mom came, she understood that I needed to be the primary caregiver with the baby.  She took care of all the household things and took over with the baby when I needed her too but wasn't pushy about anything.  I don't think you necessarily need the help - a lot of people do it on their own - but it is wonderful if the person helping doesn't add stress to you.

Jason'swife

I didn't feel like I needed help after #1 when DH went back to work. 

However, I'll gladly accept offers of help from anyone who wants to come over this time around. Two is a whole different game.  

blckwhtyllwgirl

Honestly, it depends on a lot on the type of person you are and whether you deliver vaginally or need a c section (and BF vs formula). Some people are high maintenance, have difficulty transitioning into needing to take care of a newborn, and need a lot of help and therefore have people staying with them as long as a month (or longer!) after a birth. Others are more laid back and better able to handle taking care of their child and don't need that sort of extensive help.

If you have a c section, then it's more likely you need help as some people can't walk around, etc for days (but if you husband will be home for 2 weeks so that might be covered). If you have a vaginal birth, then you likely won't "need" the help.

With DS I had no help and it was no problem. I never once thought about how I wish I had someone there to make me meals, etc. I could have easily had people helping me for weeks but I didn't need it (or want it). Part of it also depends on whether you go with formula or BF (I EBF). With formula, then someone else can wake up with the baby - if your nursing that won't happen. 

If I were you, I'd plan on just having DH and if you end up with a c section you can wait until you're home a week and see if you really need help.

Also, going from 1 to 2 is totally different - particularly if your oldest is younger. Then having the extra help can be very useful.

JhawkCE

I know a lot of people will disagree with me because everyone is different, but I didn't need any help. It probably would have sent me into a nervous breakdown to have someone there.  I don't actually know anyone who required help when the baby came.  I mean maybe from their husband's for the first week or two if they had a c-section, but other than that no. 

My husband didn't get to take any time off.  A lot of his work is at the hospital so even the day after I delivered and the day we went home he was working. 

The thought of someone else hanging around my house for that long esp. when I'm trying to figure out the nursing and hang out with my baby makes my skin crawl.   

If you BF your nips will be so sore and walking around topless actually helps.  Walking around topless in front of your MIL doesn't usually help.   

My MIL wanted to stay nights so she could "get the baby at night", but I pointed out that he would be in a pack-n-play next to my bed the whole night and I was nursing him so it wouldn't really make any sense for her to be there.

If you want help, but not baby help you could say:

"Oh, wow, thanks!  If you're there during the day helping around the house with the laundry and cooking than I can really get to focus on taking care (insert kid's name).  Thanks MIL, you're a real peach!"  

varkeyr

I never had any help but DH until baby # 3. My mother stayed 2 weeks after baby was born and I was driven crazy. This time my MIL will be here and already I'm cringing.

wolverine8

Yes, you will need the help. You have no idea what kind of recovery you're going to have. New mamas should literally stay in bed other than to sleep, eat, shower for the first 4-7 days to help your body heal. You will be more exhausted then you ever have been in your enitre life. It's awesome that your DH is going to be home for 2 weeks so why don't you just tell your mom to be open minded about how long she actually stays (unless she has to purchase a ticket). You will be SO THANKFUL for having those you love around you to help you and even give you a break from the baby so you can sleep. I was told that if someone offers to help, be it to clean, cook, watch the baby for an hour, take the dogs for a walk, take older children to the park, etc--TAKE IT! I have always had a hard time accepting help, because I too am very independant, but never before have I needed the helping hands that I did when I first brought DS home (which, btw, was 5 days after he born bc he was in the NICU-another unexpected event...). Hang in there and try not to stress about people wanting to be there to help you.

Unknown

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4LittleDucks

NEED help?  Eh, maybe not.  But it might be nice.  my mom is coming when baby is born.  DH is only taking a couple days off.  6 months ago I fought my mom tooth and nail about coming.  Now I'm actually looking forward to it (she lives 8 hours away).  We have set a few ground rules - she will be staying in a hotel, for starters.  I do not want her there to provide care for the new baby.  She is her is here to do whatever I need her to do.  She is going to help with meals, laundry, etc.  I have 2 kids who will be in school so she will help with packing lunches and transporting them, and entertaining them after school.  I also have a 3 year old who is home with me and so she may be playing Barbies and dress-up with her too.  She can help with the baby if I'm exhausted and need help but mostly she is here to do everything else so I can take care of the baby.  BTW, DH is a principal and this is the busiest time of his year so he's simply not going to be able to be around a lot and has tons of meetings coming up. 

morsey2011

I think help with the housework and cooking would be awesome. Now if all your helper wants to do is take care of the baby, then I'd have an issue with it. I had a friend who got so frustrated with her MIL because she came to help her out and took naps all day and didn't do anything except hold the baby. I would have a problem with this as well.

iverske9

Most new mothers tell me to take the help when you can because the lack of sleep is grueling, and then add laundry, cleaning, food, and just trying to shower is very difficult with a newborn. So don't worry about something until you have to. Good luck

Runnergirl2242

I know each birth/mom/baby is different so I do not think that anyone can say for sure what you will need or not. Its a tough call. I like to be alone too and I am not sure I could take a house-guest even a helpful one. However, I did love to have someone let me get some sleep if baby was fed and changed but still wanting to be awake. That is a lovely break.

nic326

It depends. My mom went crazycakes when DS was born and I actually had to send her home (300 miles away). She is a control freak. This time my MIL is going to stay after DH goes back to work and I know it will be a different story because she is extremely respectful of space and privacy and she wouldnt overstep boundaries but is a great help (like she already is with DS). Having help is a wonderful thing to have because it gives you (and your DH too!) a break which, trust me, you will need

babywing

I say yes. I'd rather have the help after DH went back to work. He also took 2 weeks off with DS. It was once he went back that was the hardest. The first two, we'd take turns getting up, he'd take late night shift and me early morning since that's when we both tend to function better. (I had trouble BFing right away so he was able to bottle feed). This time I'm hoping I don't have troubles, but that also means it's ALL on me.

emmyloustu

anelson01:

Hi All.  This is my first baby, so I'm not sure how tired or overwhelmed I might feel after the baby arrives.  My husband is taking 2 weeks off work.  When he returns to work, his mother (who lives out of town) would like to stay with us for 1-2 weeks to help out.  I'm a very independent person and kind of picky about how I like things to be done.  I usually feel like by the time I've told someone when and how they can help out, I could have just done it all myself. Also, I'm worried that she'll get carried away with telling me how I should take care of the baby.  

I'm just wondering, do most new moms need help at home after the baby arrives? If so, how long might it take before I'm able to handle things on my own?   

 

This is me to a "t" and I had a very hard time with my MIL staying with us for all those reasons. I ended up being a total emotional wreck, a complete b!tch, and I begged DH to send her home early. I had a very tough time surrendering any control to her, even though I did really need the help.

On the other hand, my mom stayed with us the first 10 days and it was awesome. She was a huge help with cooking, cleaning, helping me, helping with DD, etc...I was so sad when she left. 

This time, we are local so we don't have to deal with overnight house guests thankfully!

happymama1123

I feel the same same way you do. My mother in law won't be staying but she and my mother will want to be around all the time!!! I will be greatful for the help but this is my baby. You guys already raised yours! LOL I wish you all the luck and congrats on your baby!

Kml9876

My husband stayed home with me a day after I came home from the hospital. I managed on my own with the baby and two dogs. So it can be done. Our family lives up north so I had no choice but to do it on my own.

Lissa832

DS is 5, and I've never had a stitch of help from anyone other than DH. He's in the military, so we lived very far away from our families. He got 10 days baby leave, and then I was on my own. I've survived multiple deployments alone too. My mom is coming in town this time, only because I need someone to stay with DS while I'm at the hospital. Do you NEED help? No. Can it be nice if the help is just that? Absolutely.

DallasHorn

Lots of variables as you can see by the answers. I personally did not have help other than DH after baby was born. When #2 arrived, I did keep #1 in DC - not the same number of hours, but she did go for part of the day. This was a help because I could sleep when #2 did. My MIL would have been useless - - she doesn't/can't really cook, doesn't really clean and DH was adopted at 9, so it's not as if she really knows anything about baby's. My mom probably could have come, but it was fine w/o her. Now that I'm expecting #3, I do think I may ask her to come stay for a couple of days once DH returns to work.

cottonlily84

I'm like you.  I want to be on my own.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not super woman or naive.  I just feel like if I need help I can ask.  Don't get all in my space and assume you're going to live with me for a month to "help out", kwim?  I'm very looking forward to snuggling with my new baby sans visitors 24/7 and spending time with our new little family just the 3 of us.  Thinking of having overnight guests would be extra awful, as if I have to host them.  Having guests camp out on the sofa all day wouldn't be much better.  I'm sure it's diff if you have more kids, but you don't, or if you have a c-section.  I'm on bedrest and I still manage on my own while DH is at work all day because it's frustrating having people come in and washing my underwear...

DH has already been warned - I have a dead bolt and know how to use it!  That sounds so awful but I have a pushy family, esp his side, so if he can't help me get the message across to back off I'll just do it myself.  I already know how it will be because I'm on bedrest now.  My MIL called me just this weekend asking when my next dr appt is and assumed she'd be going with me.  I'm sorry but I like to have my girlie parts examined on my own!  People will act like they just want to help as much as they can but they rarely ask how to help.  They mean well but want to do what they think means well.  For example, they come by at all hours of the day assuming I'm bored and need company.  When in reality I can't sleep at night for some reason now and I can't nap during the day for the flow of visitors.  My MIL will occassionally ask if I need anything done and when I reply that cooking is the only thing DH can't get the swing of shes says "well I don't cook much either".  Gee thanks.  So I know most of the "help" I would get is them hogging my baby.  I'd much prefer to lie in bed with her and do the laundry when I get to it. 

I would just come up with some generic polite refusal.  I've been working on "thanks for offering but I'm ok right now" even when the offer was more of an assumption of pre-acceptance.  Then if you need help you can ask at that point.  The birth of your first baby is not a time you should feel uncomfortable in your own home or have to cringe at the thought of people roaming your space. 

2-Step

Eh, I had a c-section and my DH went back to work after 1.5 weeks, I was alone but my mom did come over a few times to help me grocery shop etc. I really didn't feel like I needed anyone after 2 weeks. I am the type who probably would've just been driven crazy by company, especially a MIL because I would be worried that the house was a mess and would want to do things my way with my LO.

If you know that you are the type to want independence then I would do what ppers say and wait to see how you feel after delivery. You'll have to ask yourself if having the extra help would be worth the extra headache if you start to get annoyed. Yeah you will be sleep deprived, but newborns sleep a lot during the day so I didn't really find a need to have people around all day long to help me with dinner etc.

This time I will be getting more help since we have two and dealing with DS#1 with a csection recovery will be difficult. However, no one is staying at my house.

laurakaz13

YES!!!!!! You will need help.  Trust me.  You will be extremely sleep deprived.  It was harder than I expected it to be. You will need help!

minff

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tnleigh

DH is planning on being home with me and baby for a week.  When he gets ready to go back to work I will decide about whether or not I need someone else to come help.  My family lives about an hour away and DH's mother is about 2.5 hrs away.  I expect they will come a lot for day trips but I would like to avoid overnight stays if possible.  Both my mom and MIL are smokers so I am not looking forward to them holding the baby.

romanceondemand

I am a FTM with two step sons. My MIL is taking the boys while the baby is born and probably for a couple days after. My oldest step son is in school and I don't want him missing much so he will come back before the younger one. Plus, I think it will easier to transition. I am hoping my husband gets some time off to help where he can. I, for right now, do not want my mom or MIL coming to my house to help me with things. I would rather do things myself because I'm ridiculous about how I like things done.

julireye

My mom is going to stay with us for two months after the baby arrives. That works for me because both DH and I are flexible and like to have a clean house and a warm meal. I also think is different becuase it is my mom the one staying with us. i don't know how would I feel with MIL staying with us, she is a sweetheart but when she is around I feel I need to get up and do something.

If you feel having your MIL at your house for an extended period of time is going to much to handle then don't do it. The house won't be clean but at least you will have your sanity

kg_08

I had some family stay with me the first 2 weeks, and honestly I felt like I was waiting on them a lot of the time. Next time I'll be alone and I have no doubt I'll be fine.