New here and need advice!

lala1608

The back story...I met my ex (we were never married) and ended up pregnant 4 months into our relationship.  He then became abusive (verbally and physically) and then his family spilled the beans about his drug and alcohol addictions.  I ended the relationship when I was 2 1/2 months pregnant. 

During my pregnancy we met a few times with a counselor, I made it clear to him that he could be a part of the baby's life if he was clean and sober.  He was adament that he had not abused drugs or alcohol since we broke up which I later found out was not true.

He almost signed his rights away but then decided not to at the last second.  He took me to court to establish paternity and to seek visitation.  I could tell he was high during the hearing but nothing was decided at that time.  Another court date was scheduled but he didn't show up for that one because he was back in rehab 1300 miles away. (His parents are wealthy and have paid for expensive rehabs multiple times).

He now lives in the area where he went to rehab, he does have a job but still gets money from his parents.  He pays a small amount of child support based on his salary as a maintenance worker at a resort.

He is now demanding more time with our 4 year old child.  I am very accomodating when he comes home to visit his parents.  I let our child have overnights with him at his sister's house as long as his sister is present (she is married with two kids). 

Anytime I have asked for proof of his sobriety, he gets defensive and claims that I have no right to ask for proof.  He literally wants me to send my 4 year old to visit him 1300 miles away...I think it is crazy. 

I am married now with another child...my husband has been in the picture since my child was 10 months old.

My question is, do you think he has the right to demand more time with our son?  Am I obligated to let our son travel to where he lives?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated!  TIA

kkenner

I'm sure there are a lot more women who can answer this better but just my two cents...Do not send your 4yr old 1300 miles away. If he has never proved his sobriety..that should be enough right there. It sounds like you've already made up your mind tho..Go with your gut.

peeps61308

If you don't have a CO, get one. I have a friend who had a pill problem at one time. His ex-wife had it in the divorce papers that he had to submit to random drug tests in order to have visitation. If he failed the drug test, he had to pay for it and visitation was suspended. If he passed (which he did every time) she had to pay for it.

Also, you can have records subpoened showing all of his stints in rehab or any jail time for substance abuse and use that to make a case for supervised visitation (at his expense).

achase123

lala1608:

My question is, do you think he has the right to demand more time with our son?  Am I obligated to let our son travel to where he lives?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated!  TIA

To answer both questions: no, and helll to the no.

Please remember that substance abuse and manipulation often go hand in hand.  He's manipulating you and playing you like a fiddle.  Don't let him.  You know what is best for your child.  If he wants to be in his life so badly he will go to court, prove his sobriety and then it will be up to the judge to decide.

I bet he's NOT clean.  I'd bet a million bucks on that, in fact.  Why would he be soooo defensive when you request proof?  People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.  He sounds like a real peach. 

htomeo

You can get your parenting plan modified to have him take random u/a test, at your request, and his expense. 

This is what stbxh and I did with my step kids' mom. 

lala1608

achase123:

lala1608:

My question is, do you think he has the right to demand more time with our son?  Am I obligated to let our son travel to where he lives?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated!  TIA

To answer both questions: no, and helll to the no.

Please remember that substance abuse and manipulation often go hand in hand.  He's manipulating you and playing you like a fiddle.  Don't let him.  You know what is best for your child.  If he wants to be in his life so badly he will go to court, prove his sobriety and then it will be up to the judge to decide.

I bet he's NOT clean.  I'd bet a million bucks on that, in fact.  Why would he be soooo defensive when you request proof?  People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.  He sounds like a real peach. 

 

He is a master manipulator...it is the first thing his mother told me when we finally met after I broke up with him.  The problem is, his parents don't seem to know how to stop enabling him.

I have sole physical and legal custody, we don't have a parenting plan or anything like that.  He LOVES to send me emails quoting the "parenting guidelines" for our state and saying that he needs to assert our child's rights (which doesn't even make sense).  The parenting guidelines also state that they don't apply if substance abuse is involved.  When he starts acting like this, I know he's using.  I called my attorney, I decided not to respond to his latest email until I meet with my lawyer.

Thanks for the advice everyone...sometimes I do feel like I'm being harsh but I need to do what is in the best interest of my son.  I just wish his father wasn't so messed up.  At some point, I am going to just try to break ties...it's not fair to my son when his dad can't stay sober...I mean when do you say enough is enough?