STBXH wants to work things out IF...

bethyboo80

So I introduced myself to the board about a month and a half ago, at which point H said he was done, didn't want to work things out, and would rather die than come back and live with me. We spent about a month going through the roller coaster of getting along one day, then fighting the next, and we're finally past the point of fighting anymore. He is still living elsewhere, and worked out of state for about two weeks, so we hadn't seen him much. When he came back, he had to find another living arrangement IN the county bc of his job (county deputy), so while he was trying to line something else up, he asked if he could stay on my couch. I thought it sounded harmless, and the first night, he asked if he could come to bed, and I said yes. That's one area of our marriage that never suffered. Anyway, so over the next few days he became more sensitive and caring, and even openly affectionate when we were in public. So two days ago, he asked me if I thought we could make our marriage work if we moved somewhere he could have a more fulfilling career - more specifically closer to where he grew up and where we lived before we moved to where I grew up. The thing is, his willingness to reconcile is completely dependent on him getting hired with a specific agency, and I'm wondering if he's sincere about us being happier if he likes his job more, or if it's just a way to get me to move the kids away from my family and this small town, and then he'll cheat on me or leaves again. He says if he gets hired, we can start counseling and individual therapy, and really try to make a go of it.I feel confused and I think I let things get complicated by sleeping with him again... But I still love him and want to make our family work. He says he still loves me, but just can't live with me under our current circumstances (we live next to my parents, he hates his job, he hates living in a small town). Has anyone been in a similar situation, or does anyone have any advice? The kids are doing well with our current arrangement, and with help from family and friends we've been managing pretty well without I'm around,but I can't help but be excited at the thought of having him back in our lives...If you made it all the way through this long rambling post, thank you, thank you, thank you.

achase123

Wow, a month ago he said he'd rather die than get back together.  Then he disappears, comes back, you not only let him back in but welcome him back into your bed with open arms.  And now he's wanting to get back together but that's completely contingent on you moving and him getting a job?  No wonder you are confused, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard of.

It sounds to me like he wants to come and go as he pleases, and is attempting to move you somewhere that you will be more isolated and so you will be more likely to stay and put up with his BS.  He's basing keeping a family of four (soon to be five I see) together on whether or not he gets the right job??  That sounds completely crazy. 

Furthermore, you sound completely crazy for entertaining the idea of getting back together with him.  He cheated on you?  While you were pregnant nonetheless?  And now he's thinks that he *might* want to get back together and you are jumping all over the idea.  You need to grow a backbone and step away from the situation for a minute.  He's doing whatever he wants, walking all over you, treating you terribly and the worst part is you are LETTING him do it.

You want advice, here it is: ditch the poor excuse for a husband and tell him HE can move wherever he wants but you and the kids aren't going away from your family and support system.  Then look into counseling because it sounds like you have some serious self-esteem issues.  You need to figure out why you would ever, for one second, entertain the possiblity of giving him another chance. 

r9stedt

Can you break this into paragraphs?  I promise I will come back to read it if you do!

carrieannew

I have not finished my first cup of coffee but I managed to work my way through this.

Are you bull *** crazy? So you said he could not leave the county because of owing money but yet you are thinking about moving away with him? Uh really?

I agree with everything said above.

keychain01

achase123:

Wow, a month ago he said he'd rather die than get back together.  Then he disappears, comes back, you not only let him back in but welcome him back into your bed with open arms.  And now he's wanting to get back together but that's completely contingent on you moving and him getting a job?  No wonder you are confused, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard of.

It sounds to me like he wants to come and go as he pleases, and is attempting to move you somewhere that you will be more isolated and so you will be more likely to stay and put up with his BS.  He's basing keeping a family of four (soon to be five I see) together on whether or not he gets the right job??  That sounds completely crazy. 

Furthermore, you sound completely crazy for entertaining the idea of getting back together with him.  He cheated on you?  While you were pregnant nonetheless?  And now he's thinks that he *might* want to get back together and you are jumping all over the idea.  You need to grow a backbone and step away from the situation for a minute.  He's doing whatever he wants, walking all over you, treating you terribly and the worst part is you are LETTING him do it.

You want advice, here it is: ditch the poor excuse for a husband and tell him HE can move wherever he wants but you and the kids aren't going away from your family and support system.  Then look into counseling because it sounds like you have some serious self-esteem issues.  You need to figure out why you would ever, for one second, entertain the possiblity of giving him another chance. 

Bethyboo, I know what Achase said seems kind of direct but right now I think you need to hear from someone who is telling you the honest truth. You wrote that your kids are doing well with the situation without him being there. Eventhough you do still love him, you can't let him disrespect you or what you have to offer. And he did, and he will keep doing it.

jmepurple

keychain01:

achase123:

Wow, a month ago he said he'd rather die than get back together.  Then he disappears, comes back, you not only let him back in but welcome him back into your bed with open arms.  And now he's wanting to get back together but that's completely contingent on you moving and him getting a job?  No wonder you are confused, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard of.

It sounds to me like he wants to come and go as he pleases, and is attempting to move you somewhere that you will be more isolated and so you will be more likely to stay and put up with his BS.  He's basing keeping a family of four (soon to be five I see) together on whether or not he gets the right job??  That sounds completely crazy. 

Furthermore, you sound completely crazy for entertaining the idea of getting back together with him.  He cheated on you?  While you were pregnant nonetheless?  And now he's thinks that he *might* want to get back together and you are jumping all over the idea.  You need to grow a backbone and step away from the situation for a minute.  He's doing whatever he wants, walking all over you, treating you terribly and the worst part is you are LETTING him do it.

You want advice, here it is: ditch the poor excuse for a husband and tell him HE can move wherever he wants but you and the kids aren't going away from your family and support system.  Then look into counseling because it sounds like you have some serious self-esteem issues.  You need to figure out why you would ever, for one second, entertain the possiblity of giving him another chance. 

Bethyboo, I know what Achase said seems kind of direct but right now I think you need to hear from someone who is telling you the honest truth. You wrote that your kids are doing well with the situation without him being there. Eventhough you do still love him, you can't let him disrespect you or what you have to offer. And he did, and he will keep doing it.

This!

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sweetie0228

beccaga16:

Didn't get through everything or all the responses...

There are too many conditions to this "relationship". A solid relationship is not built upon one person making requests and the other HAVING to follow them.

Real love is not conditional. What happens next time he is unhappy? Then you are left out to dry again. Don't be a doormat.

 

That's not true Becca and you know it.  Real love is conditional.  But it's not a one-sided conditional.  You get to make conditions too!  Real love  is a constant compromise.  And there are limits to love.  Becca you've reached them, I've reached them...heck I've reached limits to my love with my own child.  I'm not proud of that but it's honest.  My DD pushed me so far that I know where my limit to my love is for her.

But everyone here is right that you can't be a doormat and just accept his conditions.  You demand the counseling first and see if there is something to save besides the comfort of what misery you already know.   You can't uproot your children and leave your support network on a chance that moving from one small town that he hates to another small town that he's idealized in his head.

Also if there is even a possiblity of cheating going on you need to establish that and decide if that's a symptom of a bad marriage or a character flaw.  The first you might be able to work through with a lot of professional help and dedication from both sides, the other is a lost cause.

Bottom line: Dont' just accept what he wants, decide what you want and them see where and if you can meet in the middle.  I would demand the couples counseling first because you need the commitment from him that he's not going to run again when things get hard and the job's not there at this new place.

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PrettyInPearls23

Like the others have said, he's trying to manipulate you. He wants you to move away from everything you know to be closer to his family and a "better job"? Hell to the no. Grow a backbone and tell him you and the children are staying, but he can go wherever he chooses. Then file for divorce.

bethyboo80

I agree it was stupid to sleep with him. And I'm sorry about the run on post, I'm posting from my phone. I've been in counseling for about a month, and H ANSI have been working to be friends again, while I've been trying to work through the reasons he left in the first place. The emotional affair was just the catalyst for him to actually leave. As far as he has explained, and what makes sense to me, is that he is miserable living here, and hates working at such a slow sheriff's dept. His job used to be exciting and fulfilling before we moved here. He's agreed that if he can get hired out where we used to live, which is a large metro area with busy law enforcement agencies and more room for future advancement, SWAT training, detective positions, etc, that we should go to marriage counseling and he will also seek individual counseling. He says that our current living situation just makes him angry all the time, and he has felt all along that I dismissed him when he told me how much he hated living here. I don't know if this clarifies any of what I said before, but I feel like I've made progress in counseling, and H and I may have hope to work things out. I'm not going to just up and leave if things aren't solid, bc I won't move 3 states away to be a single mom without the support of my family and friends.