S/O: Adoption Fundraisers. Are these common?

MarcyLT

After seeing and reading the blog about the post below, I'm inclined to ask - is this common? People raising money through fundraisers to pay for their adoptions, I mean?

As an adoptee, this for some reason makes me very uncomfortable. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but if I found out my parents had fundraised for me, I would feel like some kind of strange charity case.

Have you ladies heard of this before? I'm a professional fundraiser, and this is the first time I've ever heard of someone doing something like this. Thoughts?

ByHisGrace7

I would say it's definitely not uncommon. Some people just stick to having a fundraiser by way of garage sales. They will have garage sales and all proceeds go in their adoption fund. Some people sell adoption tshirts on websites. Some just ask. I've seen all different kinds of fundraisers and while I don't criticize this, I am not comfortable doing this. I've never been comfortable asking others for money to fund things (even when I was in girl scouts and I had to sell cookies!). For some it works because they feel like if they can't call on their friends and families to support them then who can they call on, especially if they feel called to adopt.

 I see both sides to it and while I don't knock anyone who does fundraisers...I do not do them myself (I would apply for adoption grants, though).

MrsMcC.10409

I've never posted on this board before, but I hope you don't mind my $0.02.

I went to an adoption fundraiser about 18 months ago. A good friend of mine and her Brazilian husband are trying to bring home a 13 year old from Russia. They met the boy on a mission-type trip and fell in love with him. Things aer extra complicated because of her husbands nationality, and since the boy is older, it's not like they'll be having a baby shower when he comes home.

As an attendee, it was an opportunity for me to celebrate the new family, and be included in the whole process. I loved being a part of it, and I would attend another fundraising in a heartbeat, for any type of adoption.

Dr.Loretta

From what I understand it happens all the time. Everything from starting an Etsy store to getting a second job to outright asking friends/family for $.

I'm conflicted on it. There are those who say if you have to resort to fundraising to adopt, you can't afford to be a parent. But we all know people who have raised kids on a shoestring just fine. And we all know adoption can be $$$. However, just outright asking for $ seems tacky to me. DH's cousin and his wife sent a letter to the family saying, "Our adoption costs $30K, please help." It rubbed me the wrong way on a lot of levels (let's just say etiquette isn't their strong suit)

We paid for our adoption fees without any help, so maybe that colors my perspective as well..

noonecarewhoiam

MarcyLT:

After seeing and reading the blog about the post below, I'm inclined to ask - is this common? People raising money through fundraisers to pay for their adoptions, I mean?

As an adoptee, this for some reason makes me very uncomfortable. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but if I found out my parents had fundraised for me, I would feel like some kind of strange charity case.

Have you ladies heard of this before? I'm a professional fundraiser, and this is the first time I've ever heard of someone doing something like this. Thoughts?

You are not alone in your discomfort. I have seen your sentiments communicated before by adoptees, and I think it's a persepective that potential APs don't consider often enough.

As an adoptive parent, it took my a while to differentiate between my story (infertility, adoption process, adoption, etc) and my children's stories (including the birth mother's situation). While there are parts of my story I am willing to share, there are other parts that I'm not, because I want to safeguard my sons' privacy.

However, I am also not a strong supporter of fundraising (I would rather sell plasma and eat ramen than ask for help), so that may also affect how I view it.

So a bit of a tangent, but it's Friday and I'm procrastinating.

MamaB2009

MarcyLT:

After seeing and reading the blog about the post below, I'm inclined to ask - is this common? People raising money through fundraisers to pay for their adoptions, I mean?

As an adoptee, this for some reason makes me very uncomfortable. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but if I found out my parents had fundraised for me, I would feel like some kind of strange charity case.

Have you ladies heard of this before? I'm a professional fundraiser, and this is the first time I've ever heard of someone doing something like this. Thoughts?

Fortunately, your parents probably spent a very minimal amount on your adoption compared to what adoptions cost today. 

Just remember, we're not "purchasing" our children.  The fees raised are those to pay for legal and agency costs or to support birthmother's by providing living expenses they don't have access to during their pregnancy...they aren't supposed to have anything to do with the child.  With the downturn in the economy, there are far fewer financial institutions willing to finance adoptions and you have a large number of people competing for a few number of grants.  You could save for years, as many folks do, but then you get to a certain age and agencies/programs won't accept you any longer or you become less desireable to birthparents.  So some adoptive parents do things that make them slightly uncomfortable (ask for help) in order to have a family.  Many (like me -- we fundraised less than $2k of our overall cost of $12k) pay it forward once they get their tax credit refunds.  And if I ever see a donate button on a blog, I try to donate something even if it's just $5 or $10.  And FWIW, I've only very rarely heard of anyone who was able to fundraise a substantial amount of their adoption costs.  It is usually a very small portion of the total cost.

I think it's awesome that people are able to come up with the money easily via selling a property, an inheritance, taking a loan against their retirement or whatever means...but for others who don't have those means, I don't think it's fair to say they can't have a family b/c they can't come up with tens of thousands of dollars in a short period of time or that they have to do foster care or some other route that doesn't work for their family (in some areas you can't request a child under 5 or they require you to be open to siblings or special needs...and just b/c you can't afford an expensive adoption doesn't mean you should be required to have children you're not prepared to parent).  It doesn't mean they're bad savers, it's just a lot of money at once and many people are working against the clock for whatever reason.  I hope my DD never feels uncomfortable.  Her birthmother chose us because she said we are the type of parents she wished she had.  Our DD is a miracle and we value her above all else.  She is in no way a charity case.  She completes our world and we can't imagine loving anyone as much as we love her.  I hope she will know that the people who bought calendars or raffle tickets or sent us checks loved us so much they wanted us to be a family by making it easier for us to help take care of her birthmother (whose support system refused to help her because she chose adoption and chose to continue the pregnancy) or pay for the lawyer's time in guiding us through the process.  We didn't fundraise to pay for her.

Your feelings are your own and are certainly valid, but I hope this offers some perspective on the other side of the coin.

srmmm09

MamaB2009:

 Our DD is a miracle and we value her above all else.  She is in no way a charity case.  She completes our world and we can't imagine loving anyone as much as we love her.  

This is lovely and the heart of every parent.

I think it's really unfair to say bc you don't have $15,000-$40,000 lying around (and/or don't want to jeapordize your family's future through loans or digging into equity and retirement) that you don't have the money to be a parent. It took us $2,100, not $21,000, to have DS biologically and we haven't had any trouble raising him so far. It's a darn shame that there's such a disparity. 

Would it make you uncomfortable if your parents' salaries were fundraised bc they worked for a non-profit? That's our child's reality: everything we buy for DS, his food, his clothes, his shelter, all comes from generous donations. So that colors my view a little bit. :-) If our kids don't like it, it's kind of too bad. 

MayDayGirl

we were given a fundraiser when we tried to adopt.  My sister and SIL decided to host a day of family photos and instead of keeping the money they gave it all to us, it totaled $3500.  No one asked for anything, everyone who gave $ got something in return. we were completely blessed.

We were also given approx $2500 in gifts (unrelated to the fundraiser) from people who supported us and wanted to share with us their blessings.

As someone who had to pay almost $60,000 to have 2 kids (and wants 8 more lol), it was extremely generous and helpful, especially at the time we were at in life (dh was still in med school).

We have payed it forward by giving away close to $3000 toward other people's adoption fundraisers. I typically don't have something to buy and so we just give cash.

I am currently donating 2 photography sessions ($300 worth) toward an adoption fundraiser, it's my way of giving back and I am HAPPY to help.  most people who give are.

Incidentally, the money for our adoption fundraiser ended up going toward IVF bc our adoption fell apart. We sent a letter returning all the $ bc we didn't want to assume that people wanted to fund our IVF, but every single person ripped up the check.  So my biological sun was fundraised and not my DD who is adopted.

Adoption is crazy expensive and for those of us who plan to build our families this way, we have a harsh reality of either limiting the number of children we want, or spending hundreds of thousands of dollars having the family we want.

My sister has had 5 kids, she has told me they could never have afforded adoption.  But they can afford to raise their 5 kids.  So I don't buy the argument that if you can't afford to adopt you can't afford kids. That's bogus.