Great consult...still scared though

mdotm0904

Had my consult with the lawyer yesterday. And it was pretty reassuring that some of the things she was saying, were things I had been thinking/trying to implement all along. So at least I know i'm not TOO far off base with my actions. I'm a bit afraid though of how he's going to act after she's here, but i've realized the only way he & I can peacefully get along is if I'm kissing his a$$, and I refuse to do that for the next 18yrs. But it's good to finally have some peace of mind for myself,

 -I'm giving my daughter my last name. We agreed to hyphenate last week (but this was before he sent his latest email about wanting 50/50 custody, signing over his rights so my mom could adopt, how he's more qualified as a parent than I am just because this is my 1st and his 4th, and some other hateful things) I probably shouldn't have been so nice to him about the name in the first place. The lawyer suggested if I wanted to still honor part of her heritage, asking him if there was a name from his culture that he'd like to use as a 2nd middle name, but still giving her my last name. Works for me.

- Since he's been so adamant about having a paternity test, not even giving him the option of adding his name to the birth certificate in the hospital. Just fill out all the papers myself. And that way if he wants legal rights he has to prove that the baby is his...which is what he's asking for anyway by telling me I need to give him a paternity test.

- As for visitation, she said there's no harm in allowing him monitored/supervised visits for a couple of hrs every other day or an hour a day, in MY home (or another public place) so that he too can bond with the baby in the beginning & show a judge that I've never tried to limit access. But until a custody order is in place (again, initiated by him), there'll be no unsupervised visits. Don't want to take any chances of him taking the baby for a visit and not bringing her back (that's how he "won" back custody of his other kids from his ex) 

- Also I offered to call him when I went into labor so that he could come to the hospital and sit in the waiting room while she was being born (don't want him in the delivery room). But she said I'm under no obligation to do so, if I want, I can have the baby, get settled, and then call. (still on the fence about this one).

Either way, I loved this lawyer. She was very personable, and it felt like I was talking to an old friend. I'll do everything in my power to hire her if needed but she's pretty expensive. I'm hoping it'll never come down to us having to have a custody "fight", but that we'll just be able to work something out between us, or at least between us and a mediator, if necessary.

But again, feels good to have some peace finally....

PrettyInPearls23

While I'm glad to hear you say that you refuse to kiss his a$s for the next 18 years just for the sake of avoiding drama and getting along with him, please please PLEASE stick to that. As I'm sure you've seen a lot of on here -- nice gets you screwed. Make all decisions based on you and your DD alone -- don't consider what your X will say/do/think about that decision. It's up to him to establish paternity, file for custody/visitation, and prove that he wants to be actively involved in this child's life. You don't need to make it easy for him.

BostonGayGal

This is great news. I hope you don't need her, but very glad that she was helpful. 

achase123

I'm glad you got some great counsel.  I completely agree with prettyinpearls statement that 'nice gets you screwed'.  It's best you figure this out now because you will have to learn the hard way otherwise.

As far as calling him when baby is born-do whatever you think will make your experience as peaceful/beautiful/calm as possible.  If that doesn't involve him then don't call until you're ready. 

GL!

mdotm0904

thanks ladies. Actually coming on this board has kinda given me a lot of the strength to start "selfishly" doing what's best for my daughter & myself. You guys are seriously a big help.

JewlzK

Just wanted to say as far as the hospital thing, I'm very happy that I did that alone, well with just my mom in the room.  I would not have been as calm as I was and able to deliver without any meds if I even knew my daughter's father was in the hospital.  I waited until we were all settle before I called him and it was a lot better in my situation.  He came "running" to the hospital, but hasn't bothered to see her since.  So I'm very glad I didn't give in and let him be there because he apparently doesn't want to be a part of her life.  Stay strong and do what will be best for yourself and LO in the end that is all that matters.  Glad to hear you are feeling better about everything