Adopted son and expecting . .

musicmama10

Just wondering if any of you out there have adopted and then gotten pregnant.  My hubby and I adopted our wonderful son almost a year and half ago (he's now just over 2 yrs old).  I found out in February I was pregnant (I was told it would never happen).  I am now 31 weeks and due in October with another boy.

Right now, everything is fine, but I am concerned about our future as a family -- will our first child feel loved, will he continuw to understand he is just as important as the "new" baby we are giving birth to.

I guess I also worry because our son is of aboriginal descent (Native Indian).  Although my hubby has some ancestry way back in his past, both he and I are very pale while our son has darker skin.  We always thought we would just adopt more aborignal kids and that the skin colour wouldn't be an issue -- he would have siblings that look the same as him.  Now I'm not so sure . . and again, I worry about what the future holds.

Any suggestions, ideas, things that have worked for any of you.  Should I be concerned or am I just over thinking things!  My son's birth Mom was adopted into a caucasian fmaily and apparently she always felt like an outcast -- only adopted child, darker skin, had severe medical issues (which my son doesn't seem to have at this point) and she ended up with a broken adoption and living on the streets.  Absolutely DO NOT want that for my son -- we want to break the cycles of abuse, alcoholism, drug use, child abandonment, etc. 

HopingForOne

I stumbled on your post by mistake, but I thought I'd post.

We also have Native American blood somewhere down the line in our family.  No one looks like it, except me. I stand out like a sore thumb.  And we're all biologically related.

Similarly, one of my friends is dark-skinned (I guess half white, half-African, but looks dark) and her son looks completely white (the father is also white).  Again, not adopted.

So are far as your son standing out for that reason...I'm not sure I'd worry about it too much.  As for the other stuff, I think you may face some challenged, but that doesn't mean it can't work.  Hopefully some of the others on here will have better advice for you.

crystalpopcorn

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

 We have two children that are 25 months apart.  Our older child is biological, and we adopted the younger one.  I think that your concern about whether your son will feel loved and as important as the new baby would be valid regardless of adoption. The addition of a sibling is an adjustment to any child, adopted or not.  How he handles that adjustment will depend largely on how you and your husband handle the addition of the new baby as well. After all, a new baby is an adjustment for everybody.  Try not to over think it.  Just relax and enjoy your expanding family.  Congrats again.  

 

silliestbunny

Congratulations on your soon-to-be baby!

I am not in your exact position but have similar worries re: race and appearances.  We have a daughter that is Korean-American (we are both Caucasian) and we are matched and hope to adopt a another baby girl that is Caucasian.  Our daughter will be the only non-Caucasian in our family unless we end up adopting a third child.  It stresses me to think about doing anything that would leave her hurting or feeling isolate.  My consolation is that I truly feel that being aware of our differences and not ignoring them will help all of us be the best family we can be. 

firefightersgal

HopingForOne:

 No one looks like it, except me. I stand out like a sore thumb.  And we're all biologically related.

Good point!  I never thought of this, but it applies to me, as well.  I'm the only one in our family with very dark, curly hair.  My mom has freckles, but not as many as me and her skin isn't nearly as fair.  I don't look like my family, either, and we are all biologically related.   

epopp85

Just lurking, but this happened in my Brother's family, so I'd thought I'd post some hope for you.

My SIL has stage IV endo and they tried everything to pg for 9 years.  They decided that it obviously wasn't meant to be and adopted my nephew, T.  That is the most loved child I have ever seen.  He sticks out like a sore thumb too, but for the opposite reason.  He's milky white, freckles and red hair with the last name Rodriguez.  He'll be 6 this Novemeber.

SIL got a super surprising BFP and had another little boy, J.  J doesn't look anything like the rest of the family either.  Blond hair and blue eyes like SIL.  He turned 2 in April.  There have never been any issues with T not feeling loved or feeling isolated.  He knows that he is adopted but knows that his Mommy and Daddy love and want him just as much as his brother and there is no preferential treatment.  They were worried, but it's been a non issue.  GL!

taparham

I am African American and my daughter is too.  I am lighter skinned and she is darker but people will always find a way for us to look alike.  They tell us we have the same eyes or the same smile.

My daughther has noticed the difference and asked me several times if I was white.  I tell her no I'm black but my skin is just lighter than yours.  I tell her in our race our color range is vast and most times 2 people in a family aren't the same color, as in my families case, and that no matter what color we will always be family. 

Even though no one has been rude enough to comment on our differing color I'm sure I will handle it well when they do ask.  Your son has a family who loves him so he will do well. 

I also want to add that my mother's friend and her husband adopted her daughter and a year and a half later got pregnant after trying for 10 years.  Her adopted daughter never felt different or left out.  She treated them both the same.  Her daughter always knew that she was adopted and they have an adoption day every year to celebrate her adoption.  They go to dinner and spend the day together. 

It will be up to you and your husband to treat your sons the same.  Let him know that he's adopted but still treat him like he's yours because he is yours.  The only difference in the 2 is that you didn't birth him but you are still his mother. Good luck with your sons. 

ChavayJakov

As far as siblings of the same race...I think honestly, how the child will fare will depend on a number of things, not least important is the child's own temperment or inclinations.  I know two sibling pairs who are ethnic in race and being raised in a white family.  They have, from what I can tell, a predominately white world.  Now, I don't know if that's just what I see or if it is actual.  Both are very well adjusted, have never seemed to have had issues with being different.  They have older siblings who were not adopted (though they were pretty much young adults when the adoption took place).  I've also seen an example of children, like the mother you're speaking about, that felt like an outcast.   Having a solid, supportive loving set of parents who are on the same page together, I think, goes a long way to a child's security.  I also think that plugging a child into their cultural heritage is something that a parent should make sure happens as well.  There's nothing that says now that you are expecting that you can not continue to adopt.  (I'm snooping on this board because I have conceived, will not again, and would like to consider adoption so that this one has a sibling).

Having said that...on the topic of how a mixed sibling set may look at one another:

I have friends who are missionaries in Thailand.  They, too, were told that they were just never going to successfully conceive.  When their lives turned full time to Thailand, they adopted a young native boy.  Right after the adoption was finalized, she conceived.  Within the same year, she gave birth to a boy.  

They had the same worries about how their first son would feel...towards them (who were not of the same race as their adopted son, nor of the same race as the village in which they all lived), and towards their youngest child.  Placement in birth is very very important where they are living.  It is a status.  They have made sure that he understands that he is their son, that he was always meant to be their first, and that he was a blessing to their hearts.  He holds position of older brother...and is very very close to his younger sibling.  It is obvious that the two boys love one another...and I think in great part it is because they come from such a loving family.

Now, how he feels about himself...the time has come where younger brother is out growing, physically, his elder brother.  The younger brother does not speak well, is very introverted and shy - complete opposite of elder brother.  When visiting here in the states, elder brother does most of the talking and takes care of his younger sibling.  People will ask him questions, like how old are you...and he will proudly link his little arm to his brother , putting his hand on his own chest and announce, "I am 1st son, my name is {name} and I am {x} years old.  This is my brother {and continues with introductions}"  First son is a title, apparently, in Thailand (or at least his little village), and he's very proud to announce and never comes off as defending his position.  I'd say he's very secure in his family.