PTSD, Anxiety and issues with ds's upcoming procedure

hollerjeepgirl

hi all, i dont post in here very often. i was diagnosed with anxiety and ptsd, most of which is caused by prior unresolved incidents from when i was younger. i have a very rough pregnancy; type 1 diabetic, put on insulin pump and my membranes ruptured at 23w1d and i stayed in the hospital until i delivered ds at 34 weeks and he was in the nicu for 47 days. i'm always freaking out about his well being and a few months ago i started having intense thoughts of his death. if i'm carrying him from one room to the next i feel like i'm carrying my dead child, when hes only asleep. i guess his body reminds me of deceased people in movies? i dunno. well we scheduled a circumcision months ago and it's happening this friday. on monday i took him to the pedi because he's been congested for a while and i wanted to make sure it wasn't a sinus infection. it's a very minor one and he's on the nebulizer treatments and amoxixillan.

i was feeling ok about the surgery until i was told i need his pediatrician to clear him of surgery. now i feel utter despair that even if they give him an 'ok' that they will miss something and while he's under anesthesia that he'll drown on mucous or get pneumonia afterwards and die. i was told all of the statistics and looked online and think that there haven't been a lot of circumcision related deaths this year therefore jackson is going to be one. i'm sick to my stomach and want to hurl. i feel like tons of signs are being thrown at me but know it has to be done (his doctor said he's going to need it one day anyway) but i feel like i'm just convincing myself that he needs it when he really doesn't. how do i handle this? i hate feeling this way

*Taycie*

I have anxiety, worry all the time. I talked to my doctor and she put me on Lexapro and recommended a counselor. I was skeptical on the counselor, but it works. I had things happen in my past too, built them up, never talked about it until I met with counselor. Got it off my chest and I feel good about it. To the point your body/brain says enough is enough. Every time I see an object hammer, scissors I get freaked out thinking I would use this to harm my boys. Then I take the objects and put them away-fear of using them. Then I get sick to my stomach cause I know I could NEVER harm them. I wish there wasn't any depression or anxiety out there. I want to be my old self. Good luck...

hollerjeepgirl

Thanks ladies, I feel a lot better now that we're home and he's alright. Madison, I was doing cousneling but we don't have mental coverage and I can't pay $150 every week to talk to someone. Once I start my new job I'll look into their insurance. I'm with you Taycie, I feel the same way when I see things like that around the house and I feel such guilt. I wish I hadn't seen so many bad movies as a kid, that may have helped me and my disturbing imagination