WWYD: DD hanging w/ 'bad' kid in Kinder

veloelle

Today DD didn't get a sticker at the end of school because she talked too much w/ another student. I've volunteered twice in class, and the girl she was apparently talking to is the ONE girl who causes trouble. Mainly it's talking with anyone and everyone around her during story or learning time and in line. Essentially, she talks anytime she can, which is all the time. She talks too much, doesn't do her assignments, messes around at her table w/ the other kids, etc. Just generally isn't present.  Unfortunately the teacher has 27 kids and this girl is the least of her concerns, as there are other kids way worse.

DD sits at a separate table from "Jane" but they sit on the floor for about half the class for instruction/story time. So there is a lot of time she can sit next to Jane. I'm fully aware I'm totally going all Tiger mom here, but I do not want DD to sit anywhere near Jane on the floor.  DD knows better and swore to DH (picked her up) she wouldn't do it again.

Anyway. My choices are to zip my trap and stay out of it, forbid her from being anywhere near Jane, or talk to her about listening and consequences of that. I don't know why I'm so irritated by it; probably because DD is smarter than that.

Anyway, talk me down and if you have any good strategies, I'm all ears.

ccm1203

veloelle:

 talk to her about listening and consequences of that.

  This

DandelionMom

If she's just chatty, don't stress.  Remind your DD that you expect her to follow the rules. 

jlw2505

cjcouple:

Sorry if this sounds harsh but i think you are way overreacting. not allowing your dd to sit next to or talk to a chatty cathy? i think instead of forbidding her to talk or sit near jane you need to just tell dd to listen to teacher. if jane is talking during storytime just tell dd not to talk back.

or to say to jane, be quiet loudly so teacher hears dd sticking up for herself and doing the right thiing. forbidding her to make a friend is extreme. 

This - sorry but it is time to let go some and honestly, if your DD has some consequences at school for not listening, she is hopefully going to learn her lesson.  You can't step in and fix everything and honestly - if my mom, at age 5 or 6, told me not to sit next to someone, not sure I would have listened.  There are better ways to handle the situation such as having a basic conversation about the rules in school and not talking at certain times when you have been no talking for example.

veloelle

I did state that I know I'm being a nut about this. 

Of course I'll talk w/ her, and we certainly don't step in and make everything ok for her, she fights her own battles. The PP who mentioned her getting in trouble, you are right, it probably is a good thing for her to see there are repercussions and will encourage her to be better tomorrow. I hadn't thought about anything positive coming out of her getting in trouble, but let's hope she just needed the one day of not getting her sticker.

evaazalea

Oh crap, my kid is so going to be the one that never stops talking...

Bride2b2004

I think this is the perfect case of "natural" consequences happen and no need for parent action at all.  

I would offer an ear to listen about her day, and if she doesn't mention it ask her where her sticker is and how she felt about that and if she is receptive help her brainstorm what she could do next time (tell Chatty to "shhh" rather than talk back, tell Chatty she will sit next to her but wants to be quite during story time so they can each get a sticker, not sit next to Chatty, etc.)... and then let her make her own choices.  

Remembering my own childhood, starting school is scary and it is nice to have a friend that is open and chatty (many of the children are shy at first).  My guess is if your DD keeps getting in trouble, she will get tired of it and influence Chatty to shut it or find other friends and you don't really need to do more than be there to listen.

veloelle

-auntie-:

Two things-

1. This is not a hill on which to squander what little influence you will have on your DD vs her friends going forward. Save it for the girl who does drugs and blows guys in middle school.

This? I did not need to know.   Middle school?! My virgin eyes.

Thanks for the book rec. I also like Parenting Without Stress by Marvin Marshall. 

happy_momma

I would just talk to her about following the rules and when it's ok to talk to friends and when it's not.  I don't think of a chatty kid as a "bad" kid.  I have a chatty kid. The first couple of months of kindergarten were definitely an adjustment for him, but he did learn to keep his talking limited to when it's allowed, and his teacher said he was a pleasure to have in her class.  Honestly, it makes me want to cry to think that some other parents would consider telling their kids to ostracize him, essentially, because he's chatty.  

veloelle

happy momma - DD talks non.stop. at home. I am no stranger to verbal diarrhea. If my DD was the one in trouble for talking all the time, I'd be pretty upset at her for talking at inappropriate times because she knows better, and had been exposed to all this in pre school.

Part of my issue w/ DD being too chatty w/ this kid is that this girl also doesn't do her work and generally doesn't pay attention, so she's not a pleasure, at least at this point. Kids are 5, they're going to talk. But all the time? It's not ok.  I'm not going to tell her to never speak w/ her (I think my writing style/humor is lost sometimes...) but I'll certainly tell her if sitting w/ Jane is too much of a temptation to talk, to sit elsewhere and do all their catching up between assignments (they can do puzzles if they're done early) or during recess.

Jodi&Joe

As I tell my kids "Innocent kids don't get in trouble!"

Basically, mind your own business, don't follow someone else's lead (if they are bringing you down the wrong path), etc etc etc.

And if you chose to do that, you are going to suffer the consequences.  We don't allow the "But Johnny did it first!" or "But Johnny was talking to me!" (in your case) or what have you.  Again, innocent kids don't get in trouble.  And when/if they do, I say "Life isn't fair!" 

Glad you can recognize you are a bit too over the top with this one.  She offered that she learned her lesson.  I would leave it at that.  Don't start, at the ripe ol age of 5, who she can talk to.  I def. agree with Auntie on that one!

shopgirl78

We went through this last year as DD's BFF was in her class--she did often have to move down a color on the behavior chart, it was bad to worse: red, orange, yellow, green, purple, blue.   If you got a good color all week (green, blue or purple), you got treasure box, if not you missed out. 

DD never got in trouble at home for yellow (worst check she ever got) except one 6 wk period when she got a lot of yellow.  It was becoming too much.  I also believe that the teachers rewards and consequences are enough to influence slightly off behavior, talking.  Red check: her arse would be grass : )  So, I also wouldn't forbid your DD not to talk to her friend at this point.  If it continues, then I think you needed to step up your punishment but this one time, let it go with a small talk.  Otherwise, totally normal. We also used daily reminders to be on good behaviors and remind her of the reward at the end of the week.