Need advice
anna2029
member
I can already tell you this is gonna be long...but I could really use some advice on this.
DH and I have been married 3 yrs and together for 7. We've had a rough time-we've prob. gone through more than most people ever will. I have lots of health conditions that have been huge obstacles for us to overcome together. Lots of sex problems-physical problems, a few diseases - not like STD's but like endo, and Meniere's (a condition causing extreme vertigo with no cure) and etc etc. These have led to several mental problems...I mean how could not being able to have sex NOT cause depression? Anyway, my question is this: My husband never kisses me and I don't know what to do about it. It didn't really bother me until recently. I'm not sure why...I don't know if I just didn't notice it, or if it was a gradual thing or what. He's never been big on kissing. He definately doesn't make out...when he does kiss it's just on the lips w/ no tongue or anything and doesn't last for more than a few seconds. During sex, he'll kiss me for a few sec. and then kiss my neck a little and that's about it for the kissing. I mean, yeah, he'll kiss me on the check sometimes, or give me a peck on the lips (maybe once a day if I'm lucky and ask for it), but never any "real" kissing. It's getting to the point were I feel hurt by it and I feel like he doesn't love me enough to kiss me. We've had TONS of conversations about it and it never fixes the problem. He usually just feels like I'm "attacking" him and he shuts down and says he'll try to kiss me more in the future-which he never does. He could just be really turned off by me. I have lots of sinus problems and have to blow my nose a lot and I keep tissues and nose spray by the bed and have to use it during the night and stuff. I've tried to not do that, but it's unavoidable. (surgery or anything won't help me, tried everything). I try not to gross him out, but I guess I do. Not sure if that's why he won't kiss me or what, he won't say. If the situation was reversed, I would still kiss him. He also will not rub my back. I've nagged him and told him how important back rubs and kisses are to me, but it still doesn't change things. I have scoliosis and have chronic back pain, so I would see it as a sign of love if he did that for me. I've bought him books and tried to teach him and everything. I've even bought a back massager, and still, he only uses it on me when I beg him, and even then it's only for 5 min at the most. I just see that as a sign of love to do something for something when they really need it, and for him to refuse it, it really hurts me deeply. So, it's 1 am and I'm sitting down here crying again over this and I don't know how to fix it.The thing is, he's a really good guy, but I just can't see where he's coming from anymore and I'm really hurt. I guess we just need therapy right? I don't want to go and I've put it off for a long time, but now I think I might try it? He gets 5 sessions free through work, so I might try it and see if it helps. I just have a hard time talking about all this w/out bawling, and that embarrasses me. WWYD?..... Thanks in advance
Re: Need advice
I'm sorry your going through such a rough time. You deserve to have a partner that is going to be there for you through think and thin. If you can't talk through the issues on your own I think therapy is your best bet. Hopefully therapy will help you work everything out.
You're not mental for being happy when he shows you affection. As human beings we crave touch and closeness. It may be beneficial for you to see a sex therapist together after you have started making progress with your therapist.
Good luck! I'm sure having all those physical problems is enough for you to deal with, having marriage problems on top of that probably makes you feel much worse. You deserve to have someone who is going to help take care of you and love you unconditionally. I hope you guys can work it out.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I think this is one of those times, where you've tried to talk it out, he knows how you feel, now I think it's the time for action.
For a week or two, try doing things for him that he likes. Get a sitter and take him out, rub his back or feet, do whatever it takes to make him feel love and affection. Usually, by dishing it out it comes back to you. This is what I try to do when I feel like my husband and I get in a rut. I'll make him some cookies or a pie, watch Hogan's Heros with him. That usually reminds him that I need a back rub or five
I know it sounds dumb, but it's usually when I feel the most neglected in my marriage that my husband also feels neglected and it takes one of us, biting the bullet and serving the other one to get things back to balance again.
I completely know what you mean. The problem is, I'm so disappointed in him, that I don't think I can force myself to be nice anymore. It's not that I"m even mad at him, I'm just really saddened and extremely disappointed. It's like the joy of our marriage died and now I'm grieving over it. I'm numb inside and I've cried so much for the past 2 years that I have no more to cry and no more to give. I'm empty inside.And now thinking back on times I was going through a really hard time, it makes me really sad to know that he didn't love me enough to help me through it and he made me go through all that alone. . I'm just out of hope at this point.
Ok not to be negative...but if he hasn't changed in 7 years, he's not going to. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you...just that he isn't that kind of person.
Even though you may really like backrubs and kissing, it may just not be his thing. Are there other things he does that you can appreciate? You may just have to take the approach that it's who he is and find other ways to feel appreciated/loved/etc. Try to look at what he does do for you and not what he doesn't.
I don't think you should kiss his a$$ and do all kinds of stuff you don't want to do just in the hopes he will do something that you want. I think taking a step back and realizing what he is and is not capeable of being/doing will help you more than you know.
He probably has his own way of showing his love for you. I'm not saying he shouldn't kiss you if he doesn't want to, but it's obviously not affecting him the same way its affecting you.
I would definitely go to counseling...but you have to look at everything for what it is. There are some things that cannot be changed. You need to figure out what can be changed and what isn't going to change.